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Post by knowlove on Jun 14, 2010 14:53:49 GMT -5
What do you do when you are trying to find independence and have an H who is fighting it? He liked me being dependent on him. Very tough to do and I know I need to do these things for myself to get better. Anyone want my H for awhile? ;D
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Post by primrose on Jun 14, 2010 14:57:49 GMT -5
This is from an old post of mine about mirroring from mothers, I think it might be relevant here.
It's very important to detach one's sense of self from others, which is at the heart of why I (and I'm sure others) become addicted to a person.
Children look into a mother's eyes for mirroring, as babies we search our mothers eyes to know who we are. And if we are lucky, we have mothers who look at us with love and as babies we learn that we are loveable.
If for whatever reason that process is interrupted (a mother may be ill and need to be hospitalised, she may be an alcoholic and be unable to bond with her baby), if the child doesn't receive enough healthy mirroring then that child can spend the rest of his\her life looking for that lost love in others' eyes.
A lover's eyes can become the place where that adult-child searches for a sense of self. In sex and love the adult-child can seek out a re-play of that essential early bonding missed out on with the mother.
The only other time in life people look at each other with the intensity one looks at a mother when one is a baby, is when people bond in early courtship. Romantic love is a re-run of our early experience of bonding with our mothers as tiny babies. We release the same hormones, the eye contact is the same, we make the same sounds. People often revert to baby talk with their partners.
That is why love can be so utterly compelling for the people who didn't get enough of it in early childhood, and who some people bond so intensely with a POA. As a baby it is natural to learn about the world through one's mother's eyes; this is good, this bad, this is safe, this dangerous. We are led completely by our mothers. As adults we should be able to do this for ourselves, but for the adult who still carries around a need for "love through another's eyes" and who didn't have the chance to internalise self-esteem from their mother's eyes (like me) it can be very difficult to have a strong sense of self and not be swayed by how others see us.
The steps really help with the process of detaching our sense of self from others. Working steps 4 & 5 really helped me understand why I had always sought a sense of self through others, and it really began to free me from it. P.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 14, 2010 18:46:16 GMT -5
prim,
I have such a difficult time imagining you as a narcissist. You have so much empathy and give a lot of yourself to others. You take responsibility for your own issues. For me, that does not compute.
Anyway, I read your post about mirroring from mothers several times. There is so much in it. Thanks for sharing it. I'm a little confused about my lack of sense of self because I've always believed that my mother loved me. But, I had a difficult time feeling separate from her and I provided emotional support for her a lot of the time. I always thought my pain stemmed from my father's criticism, abuse and distant coldness. Was he my mirror as well?
Thanks for the hope provided that in working Steps 4 and 5 you found some freedom in detaching your self from others. OK, I need to get on to Step 4 ...
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Post by quinn on Jun 14, 2010 21:51:04 GMT -5
Prim, Your comment "The greater the charm, the deeper the damage" was a total revelation for me. I have never thought of that before. I always thought incredibly charming people have been blessed with a gift (like beauty, or a great sense of humor.) It had never occurred to me that charm is actually used to get what one wants and that it is a way of getting all the attention for oneself so one doesn't have to be present for others. But when I think of the charismatic, charming people I have known, this description completely fits. This is SO helpful for me. Thanks for the post.
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