Post by primrose on Jun 17, 2010 8:49:48 GMT -5
One of the lovely things that has come out of recovery for me, is that somehow I know how to take care of myself in a way that I didn't before. It's as if my instinct and behaviour are now linked up in a way they weren't in the past. Before my instinct was jumping up and down in a fright yelling "NOOOOO Stay away from the BAD man" and my behaviour was all excited and running across rooms to seek out that elusive alpha narc. Now the two of them seem to agree a lot of the time. It feels really good to be able to trust myself. Before my withdrawal I was really ashamed of the part of me that wouldn't stop chasing, that wouldn't give in, that kept going back knowing full well that with my POA each time I had contact with him he wanted a new humiliation. His kick was chosing a woman he really had on a pedestal and sullying her bit by bit. I knew that's how it was, but knowing it didn't change my behaviour at all.
I can't say exactly why recovery heals the breach between instinct and behaviour, perhaps it's having bottom lines because they stand as boundaries until they become habits, maybe it's that, but I think it might be something more difficult to pin down. I have felt my own preciousness in recovery. The core badness I always felt has lifted. So I do feel a sense of worth that means I just KNOW I don't deserve guff. And so there is less guff. Also, when guff comes along, it takes me less time to identify it and deal with it. I think that's such a gift of recovery. Red flags about people and what they mean actually do mean something and people are able to act on instinct. And it feels good to know "wow, I can look after myself". It's one of the promises of SLAA (and AA I think) that we'll instinctively know how to take care of ourselves. P.
I can't say exactly why recovery heals the breach between instinct and behaviour, perhaps it's having bottom lines because they stand as boundaries until they become habits, maybe it's that, but I think it might be something more difficult to pin down. I have felt my own preciousness in recovery. The core badness I always felt has lifted. So I do feel a sense of worth that means I just KNOW I don't deserve guff. And so there is less guff. Also, when guff comes along, it takes me less time to identify it and deal with it. I think that's such a gift of recovery. Red flags about people and what they mean actually do mean something and people are able to act on instinct. And it feels good to know "wow, I can look after myself". It's one of the promises of SLAA (and AA I think) that we'll instinctively know how to take care of ourselves. P.