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Post by recovery1st on Jun 12, 2010 22:59:13 GMT -5
KnowLove, Thanks for asking. We talked. I apologized for my horrible outburst. We are moving forward, roommates as usual. He said he did feel bad for me cuz he could tell I was suffering. It was nice to hear a lil compassion, cuz usually my LA acting out just comes off as a pain the bud.
I don't get my way & don't even know what my way would be but I'm willing to put more faith in to step 3. That has brought me some peace this evening.
I feel dazed but productive, not out of control, not hurting at the moment.
Wow, he reminded me, he is not in love with me & does not want to be a couple with me...that's what my qualifier said too...dang.
Eyes on HP. No searching for one the loves me. Searching for new ways to love myself. & avoid an outbreak like that for a very long time!
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Post by g on Jun 13, 2010 1:11:52 GMT -5
Yep. Learning to love ourselves is key. We LAs have so much love to give I think. But not to ourselves. That would be like admitting we're worthy of being loved! And we wouldn't want to do that, would we? That said, I have been saying to myself ' I love you G. You are a good person. You deserve to be happy!' Sometimes I even believe it. Hang in there R1st. I can imagine how painful it is to see your h moving on and being happy while you are in a dark place. Jealousy is what seems to drive my addiction more than anything and it is soul destroying. . Lots of love to you and a big hug. (((R1st))) G
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Post by primrose on Jun 13, 2010 6:08:20 GMT -5
DY, take good care of yourself today if you've just had contact. It's never an easy thing to deal with.
I feel quite strange today. I'm doing DA HOW at the moment and I'm on the 30 questions in 30 days. I usually speak to my sponsor early in the morning, and one of my sponsees in SLAA is doing the 30 in 30 and I speak to her last thing at night. It's a lot. It won't last for long and I've chosen to do this now, but last night my husband was saying to me I am extremely busy and he asked me what was going on. I know I'm using my recovery to numb some of the pain about the IVF and my friend dying. Yesterday I had a lovely day. I went out with my husband, we saw a rubbish film that we both enjoyed and then we walked through a beautiful part of the city and had a meal in a very quiet little restaurant. It was so nice! When we had dinner my husband said to me that he could see I'm distracting myself from my feelings by doing too much. It's true. I woke up this morning feeling that there is never any time for me and I burst into tears. This feeling is intense, but really in my life I get to do mostly what I want. My life, despite the fact that I have money worries, is really a very good life. I feel I could do with sitting under a tree in a lovely garden for about a month, and maybe then I would feel that I had time for myself. But perhaps no amount of time off would take away this feeling. I am driving myself at the moment because the pain I have to feel (which I am feeling a lot of) is probably too much.
Grief is just horrible basically. It just is. And I suppose I don't really want to feel all of it, so I'm going into busyness to take the edge off it. But going into busyness for me these days is anti my self-care. I guess I can't even use on busyness for very long! So feeling all of this for now. I guess I just need to take it a day at a time. P.
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Post by phoenix on Jun 13, 2010 7:56:33 GMT -5
Hey DY~ hearing your POA unexpectedly after these weeks of recovery must have been a challenge, bound to stir up feelings of some sort. Sounds like you handled it very well. The concern you have for her children adds another layer of complexity for sure. You have def come along way from where you were~you sound so much stronger.
I had the strangest, most difficult night night since the breakup 6 weeks ago. One of our favorite bands some of our friends are in was playing last night near my new place. As much as I wanted to support my friends there ws no way I was going to take a chance on running into my POA, especially when he is drinking (he becomes very maudlin & emotional in contrast to his normal wall of avoidance)
Instead I rode my bike for hours til i was exhausted and came home early to do some reading. In my travels on the internet I came across this picture of a little girl in a corner crying. She looked very much like photographs of me when I was little. My heart started racing and I began crying from some deep place. I then started obsessing about what he was doing and if he missed me. I wanted to email the image of the little girl with no words, just the image. I literally paced the floor, cried, reasoned, prayed, bargained with myself. I finally convinced myself if I still wanted to send the image I could send it in the cold light of morning. of course, now I see how destructive it would be, for both of us.
I am so amazed that this happened to me. I really felt like my attachment to my fantasy was very light...I was firmly on the road to recovery.Seems as my anger is lessening I am not as strong as i was. But last night I really wanted to communicate my sadness to him and make him feel guilty. I am baffled by this turn of events. Phoenix
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Post by primrose on Jun 13, 2010 8:42:37 GMT -5
I really relate to that Phoenix, that terrible pain and wanting them to see it. Good for you for not sending the picture. It sounds like you're connecting to a lot of childhood pain and that, for me, really helps loosen my compulsive behaviour in the long run, but when it's on me and I'm in agony? Wow I want to act out.
I've been feeling a lot of sadness today. I think coming to terms with the fact that I will never see my friend again is letting me accept that I will never see my POA again. Why would I? The only reason I would contact him now would be to act out, and I just don't think I could act out with him. So it feels very final. I don't think my child-self can really cope with knowing she'll never see my friend ever again, and she'll never see my POA again. I've always had people in my life who sparkle. My child likes people who are funny and enthusiastic about life and who light up a room. My friend was like that, so is my POA. Strange that it should happen together, but I think going to my POAs street on Friday has shown me that our paths are never going to cross again, he lives on the other side of the world, he's in my city twice a year, I'd never just bump into him. It's finished. My child has had such a strong attachment to the fantasy of a new daddy that it's hard to give it up. But death is very final. Death ends connection, and grieving my friend dying is what it is. It makes sense of endings. It hurts so much, but it makes sense of them all. You can't escape the reality of death, and it makes other endings clearer. My POA is alive, but my EMA is over and so is my connection to him. Endings really really hurt at the moment. Ohhh I miss being avoidant. I used to walk and never look back. Now I can barely wrench myself away from fantasy. Oh well. At least I am in contact with my true feelings and I do what I can. That's good enough. P.
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Post by phoenix on Jun 13, 2010 9:15:00 GMT -5
Thanks P.~ You're so right, its the finality of it that is getting to me. I never like endings. I really hate giving up my rock n roll , cool couple fantsy (UGH) For me, the most difficult aspect of LA is how irrational it is. The rational, analytical side of my brain is definitely baffled. If I didn't learn about my addiction and what is happening I would be so lost. Education is really key for me & connecting with other LA's (did I say thank you for this board?) I think for me too, whatever abandonement I felt occurred at a time before words, as images and locations seem to trigger me intensely. "In a dark time the eye begins to see" (Roethke) * I am learning I use anger to protect myself. & I always have. This is a theme I see emerging as I write my LA history. To get over my intense anger and subsequent revenge fantasies I wrote a note to my POA (in the interest of stopping the hate & blame. (I never sent it of course): You were a total gift to me, this experience opened my heart & everythig I have repressed came spilling out. Our brand of relationship destroys everything, including the false self. Everything is broken down & I am on my knees, with no efenses against my ancient pain. It might have worked a little too good... Thanks for all the support. Phoenix *In a Dark Time In a dark time, the eye begins to see, I meet my shadow in the deepening shade; I hear my echo in the echoing wood-- A lord of nature weeping to a tree. I live between the heron and the wren, Beasts of the hill and serpents of the den. What's madness but nobility of soul At odds with circumstance? The day's on fire! I know the purity of pure despair, My shadow pinned against a sweating wall. That place among the rocks--is it a cave, Or winding path? The edge is what I have. A steady storm of correspondences! A night flowing with birds, a ragged moon, And in broad day the midnight come again! A man goes far to find out what he is-- Death of the self in a long, tearless night, All natural shapes blazing unnatural light. Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire. My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly, Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I? A fallen man, I climb out of my fear. The mind enters itself, and God the mind, And one is One, free in the tearing wind. Theodore Roethke
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Post by primrose on Jun 13, 2010 9:39:18 GMT -5
I love that poem, thanks for posting it. Like you I always used anger to protect myself. My contempt and rage did a good job of keeping my pain at bay, and my POA tore all of that away. So I'm grateful my false-self was destroyed, but oh it hurts to be without a wall or ten for the little girl in me to hide behind. She feels very vulnerable without her rage. Less brittle though, so that's good. Best. P.
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Post by quinn on Jun 13, 2010 10:48:23 GMT -5
So glad for you that you didn't send the photo Phoenix. Getting through the night until morning is such a good strategy. Everything does look so different in the morning. I know what you mean about thinking the fantasy and the attachment are much lighter and then some random thing happens (like the photo) and you find yourself in some crazy desperate place of longing. It just proves how much this really is an addiction and how thinking we are "cured" is dangerous. Every time I get pissed off at POA I think I'm over him, but the smallest thing can make me fall back into thinking I love him.
Prim, I too have always had best friends and partners who "sparkled." Made me feel like I was the special chosen one, just to be in their presence. It's like being on stage with a spotlight on us. I imagine the spotlight would never shine itself just on me, but by standing next to, and being loved by, the most charismatic person in the room, I feel like a celebrity in my own right.
Strangely, my POA/H was not really charismatic at all. I actually thought when I chose him that I had broken this old pattern and was making a mature, smart decision to be with someone who didn't walk around having to being adored by everyone. Of course I was wrong. The only thing that was different is that I had chosen someone to be my own personal spotlight. He adored ME and only ME! Until the inevitable avoidance started and I became nothing more than an object that was getting in the way of having everything be about him. It's all so convoluted and crazy. I'm not anywhere close to ready to think about dating, but every now and then I think about the day I will be ready and it scares the cr@p out of me. How will I ever be able to trust myself to see people as they are instead of how I want them to be?
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Post by knowlove on Jun 13, 2010 12:09:36 GMT -5
Phoenix, I too like the wait till morning decision. Things always seem better or less then they did the night before (not sure why this is). Kudos to you to know this though and not give in to your addictive feelings. When we start doing things like this, we know we are healing!
Prim,so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know only to well of not dealing with pain! Been my problem for as long as I can remember. Why I fantasized/obsessed. But you REALIZE this so you know you've come a long way. Knowing that your friend has left and you will never see her again as well as thinking about your POA and acknowledging it is painful indeed. Right now you are most likely overwhelmed and dealing with it as best you can but your awareness is important. Going out with your H for a nice walk and quiet dinner was something you probably needed to do just for YOU. I am working on this myself. Recovery I am learning to try and love myself as I know ive spent most of my time putting all my efforts into OTHERS. Yes G- actually admitting I deserve to love myself! Who would even think of it? I am ever so slowly realizing my little girl ached for love and that love came in the form of undivided attention from males whom we perceived as loving us and caring for us by attention (sexual or flirtation) whatever that encompassed. In the arms of a man feeling totally enveloped means love and safety. Because MY H cheated and hurt me, I no longer felt cared about or loved. he broke that trust and the pain was too severe to deal with. I cannot believe how far i have come to learning about myself. it is utterly amazing to see why Ive done what I did and I totally understand it. It really makes perfect sense (to me anyway). So nice to have a place to share and support here. Love to all.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 13, 2010 17:50:07 GMT -5
Phoenix, what a beautiful poem.
I feel: -high, because I just chatted with the kind nice guy from the online dating site -a bit nauceous (sorry I give up trying to write that word right), from the excitement -tired -stressed out over work (but part of it is because I've been offered more hours and a steady contract, still it stresses me out) -joyful
Moonlight
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Post by knowlove on Jun 13, 2010 21:42:27 GMT -5
DY, Im sorry to hear the email has caused more thoughts and what ifs. Amazing isnt it how such little contact can bring so much pain. I do understand what you are going through. What you are going through I call Squirrels. Heard that term a long time ago on another board and it refers to the constant over analyzing and questions we ask about how another person is feeling and we get insecure. Focus as best you can on how far you've come. I know it is much easier said than done. Tell yourself you'll see how you feel tomorrow and then the next day do the same. Hope you find more peace of mind tomorrow. Moonlight glad in all of this you have some joy.
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Post by quinn on Jun 13, 2010 21:56:02 GMT -5
DY, I'm sorry you're having a hard night. I so relate to feeling strong and then fading into a bad place after an email. I think you're absolutely right though that she is pinging you because she needs a fix. As soon as she gets it from someone she won't be interested again.
I'm feeling bad tonight too. Praying for both of us.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 14, 2010 4:28:29 GMT -5
I feel very nervous for having to call my boss. Anything to do with my job on a free day makes me very nervous. I've been procrastinating for one hour now. I'll do it and than finish this post.
Ok, did it!!!! Nothing wrong with that call, the man was very nice. I didn't expect anything else, but it just gives me the creeps to think of the work period. Tomorrow work again. I feel like a whuz, I'm sooooo scared of grown up responsibilities!!!!!!! Still I decided to take the offer of more hours, so not avoiding that. Hard. Higher power, please give me the strength to do what I have to do today, so that it will be Yours.
Love, Moonlight
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Post by primrose on Jun 14, 2010 8:21:32 GMT -5
DY, big hug for having to deal with that ping. It will get easier. The last time I spoke to my POA he did a big old super seductive hooky thing. He is a total player and knows my triggers very well, but it didn't work. Yay! I used to collapse in a heap after he called me. Literally flop on the floor and be paralysed from the high of his voice. I'd be in lala land for hours after speaking to him. Last time I realised how little return I got from the addiction. If you keep doing what you're doing, the programme will work for you. The power of the ping is temporary. While it still has power, be very good to yourself, and don't ping back. It's hard, very hard, but each time you don't ping you do develop emotional muscle. I nearly pinged SO many times. All those beautifully crafted funny perfect little pings I never sent, don't regret not sending any of them.
I felt very scared this morning. Doing DA is hard and I feel a lot of anxiety working the questions. Had lunch with a client and that was very nice. I've got a lot of work to do today, and not much motivation... P.
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Post by serenity on Jun 14, 2010 9:57:31 GMT -5
Hi guys, I'm a bit anxious at the moment as i'm going away for work to Edinburgh and that means i won't be able to get to any meetings for 4 days and i don't know whether my pc will be able to connect at the hotel, fingers crossed it will and i can do an online slaa/coda meeting. I'm also a bit anxious about going away with my father who is also my boss, I have decided that it may be the right opportunity to make my amends to him for my coda programme and i am ready and willing to put myself in fearful situations for my own growth so it could well be a good thing. I'm also having to find a new housemate as mine is moving out in 4 weeks. I'd like to find another christian girl to live with and have to keep handing it over to God. I've set a date now to read my step 4 and after friday nights meeting i'm feeling really positive about my recovery as i love being part of a fellowship where people want to grow and learn about themselves and are so willing to support one another, much like we do here!! Hope to speak to you all soon V
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