Daily Check In 2

[serenity]

Yes I think of IWS and pray she is at peace now.

How are you doing G? Did you have a look at the slaa how anorexia meeting on skype?

Love to all who are reading/posting.

Vee

[rick]

Hi all... well we had our first major fight... went to a sing a long an dof course i was asked to play guitar... so we are all standing there and ten feet in front of us is my gf... and she kept looking at the guy singing...top top bottom etc... i have been working hard on my jealousy... but i made sure that i knew what i was seeing... i mentaklly dopuble checked... and she was def blatnatly checking him out... and i was very hurt by that. i asked her later... if this is what you do in front of me what do you do when i am not here? anyway,... we eneded idn an intesne yelling match...her denying and me telling her what i saqw was real... anyway...no clontact since then... she told me i was crazy...she cried. i felt awful and still do.. i feel awful for yelling like that, and feel awful for being yelled at... i also feel pretty awful for seeing her staring directly at another man like she was single and i meant nothing at all. I doubt she will want to see me again.. maybe in few days... but i have this gnawing in side of course.. we all know that gnawing dont we? If i get it a fgew days it might be better but i want to mkae contact now, and i know she doersnt want that and i am so insecure, so afraid..afrauid of her going out, of her going back to her old life, bars etc,. and of me being left alone again. a minute seems like an ahour/// i am afraid t make contact for fear of her feeling strong and being tough and hard with me... not wanting us to be together... like some sick contest.

i will try and hang in there. hugs all

[rick]

now she wants to vacation at the calgary stampede with her partying sister... last time she went on vacation alone she said... 'never again without you its too lonely".... now its the cowby 'thang'. like who goes to calgary stampede for vacation? meat markeyt and dead horses rode to death... for 17 days?? anyway... i am trying to stay grounded.

[g]

I think I've reached the end of the road with my poa. very painful weeks. two months I think.

he is in a lot of pain too as I am so volatile and crash violently after a couple of hours of being out of contact. Says he's not good for me and what we do is not good for me. True.

I want to get back into recovery but there just isn't enough support at the moment. I keep to-ing and fro-ing and I'm exhausted. I'm tiring out nayone who has my best interests at heart.

I'm going to start journaling. Actually writing rather than typing because I'm sick to the back teeth of the internet and emailing and talking to walls. I'll maybe try skyping more often and actually hearing human voices and seeing peopleìs faces could help me become more grounded in reality.

[rick]

Hang in G, hi all. xoxoxoxo.... lets love ourselves...by being loving to ourselves.

[g]

Thanks Rick. i'm trying

[serenity]

Hi guys,

I had some surprising news yesterday and wanted to share it here as a lot of you know my background with regards to my work.

I have been working as a self employed marketing manager and the business I was working for was sold last month so I was out of work again but I may be able to do some freelance work for 1 or 2 days a week. Yesterday my father who has an accountancy firm where I used to be the marketing manager emailed me to say he had to sack the woman who took over my job 2 years ago and offered me my job back 3 days a week.

I have handed over my decision to God and am asking if this is a gift from God in whatever way. I am considering staying self employed and working freelance as my fathers marketing manager as well as with other companies so I wouldn't be reliant on him for my entire income. I am getting into debt now as I wasn't paid for work I carried out last month because of the company being sold so I am in need of work asap. Over to you Father God.

[g]

Sounds good Vee. xxx

[rick]

Hugs to all.... we are living our reality...even if it slips at times.

[rick]

well she is gone on vacay with some sisters, theree weeks... i feel like i am not important...course thats what love addictsfeel like right. one day at a time... hold tight to the self care plan... restart as needed. hugs to all

[g]

Ihave finally decided to go NC. I'm not doing too well and fear withdrawals will hit hard by tonight. Is anyone around?
Love G

[g]

have been NC since Friday night. Very lucky to have my old sponsor there for me and she is talking some sense into me.

I had a major relapse this time and knew what I was doing. i still didn't know what was driving me to act out and I was acting compulsively but unlike my first bout of addiction 3 years ago this time I KNEW. I was being defiant and allowing my addict to act wildly and as irresponsibly as she wanted. i was taking higher risks than before and repeating behaviour I had sworn to myself I would never repeat till my dying day.

I need more support and would be willing to do service and help others but I can't find anyone.

I went back to the other board briefly but was badly triggered by a reply I received. i still believ in principles over personalities. No gloating for me when someone else slips or relapses.

Addiction IS cunning and baffling. I honestly never believed I'd be back in this living hell. I'm actually feeling a bit better today but still need to cry and release tension. Not easy when there are people around me.

G