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Post by jfriend on Jun 16, 2010 17:35:19 GMT -5
There are many ways I can "check out" in recovery. Without getting too graphic, I came home from work today - very depressed. Summer is coming up, and I know I'm going to have a LOT of time on my hands. Anyway, there were healthy choices - feel the pain, journal about it, call someone in the program, exercise, pray, etc. But instead, I chose to get on the internet and "numb out" while looking at graphic images from an adult site. Anyway, it seems like almost all the guys I know occasionally do that; however, it is COMPLETELY a way of avoiding pain for me - and it's not a good way. It's interesting that there are things (such as I mentioned above) which are good to do when we're in pain. However, there's also things to numb the pain - junk food, sex, drugs, etc.
I don't know, folks ... sometimes the pain simply seems too damn much. I think of last year at this time, and the summer vacation plans we were making together ... and NOW, I'm alone. It's really getting to me, and I just pray that it gets easier. And, if I choose to engage in recovery during the pain, things WILL get easier. However, if I choose to sit around and numb out ... then I'm just delaying the inevitable, and things will get worse.
OK, so now I have a choice: Do I beat myself up ... or do I move on? I choose to jog on the beach and move on. Perhaps recovery isn't NEVER "checking out" ... perhaps it's just getting back on the saddle a bit quicker each time, to the point where we eventually cease to numb our pain. Time to take a jog ...
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Post by knowlove on Jun 16, 2010 23:23:41 GMT -5
Very true Phoenix-huge help with your posts! Hard to believe a compliment when we are so distrustful. I do the same thing. Think you are very smart and wise. No, I am not just saying that!!
Jfriend, I used POA's as my escape as I call it. I know the routine well. You just tell yourself you will get back on the saddle again tomorrow and start fresh. We are addicts and we certainly aren't perfect (I know so hard to believe ;D). Don't waste your energy or time beating yourself up. I do believe the times get fewer and farther between and hopefully, someday, will be gone altogether (yay!). Tomorrow (well officially today) is a new day!!
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 17, 2010 1:05:54 GMT -5
Glad you went for a jog on the beach, jfriend. Sorry things are so difficult for you right now. The pain surrounding LA is hard to take at times.
Maybe we could all contribute to a list of strategies for dealing with the void left by our POAs. This could be an opportunity for you to try new things or meet new people. Perhaps your POA (and mine) were getting in the way of you doing something important in your life or connecting with people who are healthier for you.
I vote for not beating yourself up. One of the ways to recover from LA is to build yourself up. Love yourself. Reach out to your HP.
Phoenix, I share your fear that I won't be able to move beyond fantasy and future projecting, but that is just a critical voice in our heads that we need to silence. In the context of design, being able to visualize something completed is a gift.
Give yourself some well-deserved credit for that. Like I said to jfriend, we have to learn to love ourselves. Hope you are sleeping well tonight.
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Post by primrose on Jun 17, 2010 3:55:08 GMT -5
Jfriend, when the pain of withdrawal gets really bad, other addictions do often appear to block the pain. I use on work and started being constantly busy. I had to go to workaholics anonymous meetings I got so obsessed with work. Then the withdrawals hit afresh. You could bottom line porn if you're using on it. I wouldn't beat you up for using, I doubt anyone else would either, don't think there's any need for you to give yourself a hard time for it. People slip, they numb out, they drink coffee or pick up a cigarette, they call a POA, it happens. And then they fess up and start up recovery again. In SLAA people do slip questions that help them work out why they slipped, think that would be good to have here. Something else to vote on Best. P.
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Post by g on Jun 17, 2010 6:36:04 GMT -5
Yes Phoenix, I agree that this is a great thread. Proving that we can talk respectfully about issues that affect us all without burying our heads in the sand. I'm affected by S issues too and have to bottomline behaviours that harm me and impede my recovery. But really, let's not beat ourselves up about it Progress not perfection and let's not kid ourselves that it's something any of us will resolve overnight G
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Post by rickfaith on Jun 17, 2010 8:02:57 GMT -5
Ijust wrote perhaps the best aricle i ever wrote for this ior any site...on healing...and hit the wrong effing hutton and it dissappeard...i am so weffing pissed off. uurrrhhhhghhh...will try later.
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Post by primrose on Jun 17, 2010 8:22:08 GMT -5
Think that's so true G, it isn't going to change overnight, but it will change if we work a programme. I am very impatient and I want good recovery NOW and FAST, but my experience is that when I let go and trust and accept, true change comes in its own good time, bit by bit and often slowly. I used to feel so miserable that it was taking me forever to get over my POA. I saw other people in SLAA get well and seem to move on faster than I did and I was so unhappy, because I really was working my programme well. I did not want to be someone who said 4 years after an EMA "I think about my POA every day". My blood used to chill when I heard that sort of things in meetings. But what I was so horrified by (the deep pain of love addiction) I did have to experience and accept in myself. I am someone who has had a long term obsession, and it doesn't make me bad, it doesn't mean I'm someone who hasn't worked a programme, it's just the nature of my condition and if I accept it, I can work with it. The more I love myself and all parts of myself not just the acceptable bits, the freer I am. I used to loathe my vulnerability and splitting off my vulnerability made me very vulnerable. Anything I hate in myself, I give power to, and it's not a good power. Love the addict I say :-) love her, love him. The more love I have, the more I can cope with change. It might not come as fast as I'd like it, but it will come. P.
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Post by quinn on Jun 17, 2010 12:32:06 GMT -5
Phoenix, I'm so with you on the obsessing that ensues after emails with POA. I'm in the same boat as you (as you know) with there still being things to have to communicate about. I'm so glad you don't have to actually go back to the house for the lawnmower and other things you need. It's hard enough to have to be emailing each other, but visits to the house are Hell.
And about the compliment—I think of being able to envision or imagine a design as completely different from fantasizing and projecting about things. I hope you can think about what your customer said as a positive thing. It certainly sounds like one to me.
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Post by jfriend on Jun 18, 2010 15:59:18 GMT -5
Primrose - I really enjoyed what you said. Just because I completely obsess over my ex at times does not mean I'm totally defective. The more I beat up on myself because I can't stop obsessing, the more power I give the obsession. I need to simply ACCEPT that I have an obsessive personality - THAT is the way it is right now. It doesn't make me bad - it just is what it is. I can't beat up on myself thinking, "Gosh, I am really screwed up for still obsessing over her for this long!" That is another way to keep in me in pain and misery. I'm really going to try and accept myself for where I'm at.
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Post by serenity on Jun 23, 2010 3:38:12 GMT -5
I also think that it would help everyone if we had slip questions on here to help us focus back on ourselves. I did my first slip q yesterday and i really enjoyed thinking about important words like prayer, meditation, recovery, love, hate, subconscious, etc to bring me back to where i need to be.
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Post by primrose on Jun 23, 2010 4:28:18 GMT -5
I think so to Serenity. Slip questions have helped me a lot. I like that they turn me back to the programme and ground me after I've acted out. They're really helpful. I look forward to voting on them! P.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 23, 2010 16:13:52 GMT -5
Going into OT territory - lead me to knowledge. What is a SLIP QUESTION???
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Post by knowlove on Jun 23, 2010 18:51:48 GMT -5
Slip questions are thought provoking questions to help one who has "slipped" or "acted out" in their addiction. The questions help them (hopefully) to find why or what led them to this slip.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 23, 2010 19:10:20 GMT -5
Got it. I'm going to take this further - I must write "slip questions" to some posters. At least they FEEL like SLIP QUESTIONS when I write them.
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Post by serenity on Apr 20, 2011 5:37:11 GMT -5
'Anything I hate in myself, I give power to, and it's not a good power' (Prim)
Needed to hear this today! I so often want to 'check out' from my feelings and I have been giving myself a hard time about it in my head. I hand these feelings over to you Father God about feeling like a weak person because of how I use food and fantasy to check out of my life. It is part of me and I know you forgive me once I bring it to you, thank you Father God.
I also give to you the judgements i make about women and the disgust i have of them, these are not my thoughts, they are my Dad's and because of my Mothers low self esteem which do not belong to me. I shall hold my inner child close to me now whilst i imagine resting in your arms Father God receiving your light and love. Amen
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