Relapse Alert!

[miztex]

Yikes! I must be relapsing. My POA's BD is tomorrow and I actually spent the last couple of days obsessing about whether to email him a happy birthday or not.
Had major panic attack just like the old days before NC(3 months now)
and went through all the reasons in my head for NOT contacting him.
I have decided I can't contact him, even if I want to; it would be too humiliating. This man stood me up multiple times, is a freak, sex weirdo, and a narcissist. But I put up with his abuse for 40 yrs. off and on because he never let me hang around him more than a few hours at a time. I really never knew him; just IMAGINED that I did.
Mr. shy, awkward, slow, romantic, and safe was in reality Mr. scared, inappropriate, stupid, unromantic, and NOT SAFE!!
I do NOT want to hear him talk(boring), so I need to remind myself that what I REALLY want is a fix! I want to be seduced again. He did that soooo good. I fell for it every time.
EYES WIDE OPEN NOW. I am worth sooooo much more than Mr. Creepy pedophile. My HP put him in my life to teach me that both my parents were emotionally absent and always would be. So I keep trying to recreate the situation and "fix it".
Insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting different results.
Send prayers and positive thoughts my way tomorrow.

miztex

[iwillsurvive]

Miztex -- Sorry you're struggling with POA bday. It is also trout46's bday tomorrow so send him a birthday wish instead of your POA. I agree breaking NC will hurt you. I just so after three-plus months of NC and it wasn't fun. 40 years is way too long of a probationary period! Oh how LA takes hold. I'm glad you learned some important things in the process of your recovery. That is a gift to you from HP. I will pray for you. Hugs. IWS

[g]

We have to be especially careful round birthdays and anniversaries soppy LRAs that we are

Ah our lovely POAs miztex! Ghosts from our past who will never stop haunting us
Did you know that mine pinged me a couple of months ago? A personal message on FB just to tell me an old friend of ours had died. He wasn't sure if it was okay to contact me...because he didn't know if I'd remember the friend after all these years. PUKE!
Not a hello or a how are you just the usual SW.
I can't actually remember the exact dynamics but I had looked at his FB earlier in a moment of weakness and my jealousy was triggered big time when I saw he had just becone FB friends with my highschool rival and his old crush.
Told him I needed NC. That I was an addict in recovery. Wished him well. It made me obsess for over a week cos I can't help thinking he pinged me so I'd find out about OW.

They're vile toads and will stay that way if they never get into recovery. That pull will probably be there for the rest of our lives Miz but if we keep working our prog, and stay close to recovery friends we will be SAFE. I know that if I were to stay away from the board I'd get into trouble again pretty fast because loneliness makes me feel that longing for him. My teenager knows that he is the one that is best equipped to mess around with my head, my heart and my soul. Mr Right. NOT

Prayers coming your way. Stay strong honey. Stay close to us
G

[primrose]

Hi Miz, so lovely to hear from you! Anniversaries are hard, big hug for the longing. Just keep close to your programme if you need a bit of extra support, the feeling will probably peak and then disappear quickly. Once you don't act out on a birthday the urge does go very fast, that's the one good thing about an anniversary that's triggering, usually it doesn't trigger you the day after! Best. P.

[knowlove]

Hi Miztex,
So glad to hear from you. I am so sorry you are going through this struggle but from your post it looks to me like you actually are doing pretty darn well considering! I think on special occasions its going to be the toughest and even though you obsessed you still told yourself all the reasons you should not contact him instead of just doing it to satisfy your need for the fix. Any type of anniversary is going to cause emotional turmoil, heck we are LA right? The change in the wind can do it sometimes. Instead of focusing on HIM today focus on YOU and do something YOU would like. Celebrate the fact that you have come so far and see him for what he truly is and celebrate YOURSELF. You know what the results will be already if you contact. Pain and misery.
Prayers and big hugs to you today. I agree with Prim, once today is over, the overwhelming feeling will pass. Keep busy and post here if you need us. We are always here for you.

[sexlessw]

MizTex:

Hello!

Well, did you survive the BD and wanting to contact him? Do tell.

[miztex]

Hi all,

Been very busy. But here is the latest; no, I didn't contact him on his birthday. I decided not to after my dream(which follows and is self explanatory):

I dreamed I was in space, free floating with millions of other objects. I suddenly became aware of a tugging from one direction. I felt drawn, captured, and I saw that it was a black hole. I couldn't stop looking at it! It was amazing! So Dark, so vast, and every bit of light or energy that got near it was sucked into it. Watching it was like watching a tornado; you watch in horror and fascination until you get too close and find yourself in the debris zone. Then you better get out fast(if not already too late) or you will be destroyed.
As I watched, I suddenly realized that I was being sucked into the black hole. It was devouring all my energy, love, compassion, empathy, and life force. At the same time, it was giving me fear, physical and mental stress, and of course it was TOTALLY unaware of its' effect on me. It simply existed.
I had to fight and claw against the pull, but eventually I got away. Close call. Still,......I watch it from a safe distance. And I am left with a frightening reality. They are out there. I have to be on guard forever. The universe is a scary place.
I think about him from a distance, but I have had four or five close calls in my 40 yrs. with POA.
I didn't even know what it was the first times! Now I know, and I can NEVER contact him again in my life. He is a Narcissist, black hole of selfishness and empty of all empathy. Nobody home.
Damn my curiosity! That was what hooked me each time.
Oh well, I am concentrating on my REAL life, not fantasyland. reconnecting to friends, family, and living. Doing o.k. for now.

miztex

[g]

Happy for you miztex.
I have to be very careful of the teenage allure my POA has for me. His knowing me as a young girl is probably what draws me to him more than anything. He gives me the illusion of eternal youth. But his sweet poison almost killed me and I have to bear that in mind forever.
My problems are in the here and now and he must stay in his own world. As far away from me as possible.
G

[primrose]

What a powerful dream Miz! I know I have to stay away from my POA but I'm quite keen to explore the feelings that lead me to black holes. I was really interested in you writing that the universe is a scary place. I don't trust in the universe, I am very blocked around trust and it's having had such an early wound that means I can't trust. Okay, in lots of ways I do trust life and people etc, but I still have the wounded child in me who relies on no one and is so self reliant because the world is just dangerous. But a self reliant child doesn't know much and can't learn much if she doesn't trust anyone! Your black hole made me think of my birth. I have had dreams like that where I know I will be crushed and destroyed (I was born dead) and in my dreams I am absolutely terrified. I do intend to enter all the black holes in my mind, but not by going anywhere near my POA. Well done for staying away from yours on his birthday Miz. P.

[serenity]

I'm a bit speechless reading your insight into why you don't trust Prim. I was born with a hole in my heart (seems apt now) and nearly died so was in an incubator which meant i couldn't bond with my mother and i have always felt scared of the world. Apparently until the age of 5 i would only look at the world from behind my mothers legs as i was so scared. Bless my darling little vee, I could cry i love her so much. Ahh thanks for this guys, feel blessed to have read this today. Love to all, Vee

[primrose]

Ah Vee, am so sorry you had such a frightening start to your life. Am happy for you that you love your little girl and can connect with her the way you do. My therapist specialises in working with people who had traumatic births (the mothers as well as the children). I found her after I saw the bomb in 2005 as she is a trauma therapist. The effects of trauma like terrorism aren't so very different from having a traumatic birth and she's helped me with both. When the feelings from my infancy come up I hate the world. I hate everything and feel hard and cold and if that opens up, I feel so much terror that it's like I'm going to die. When I work in therapy on those feelings I do stop breathing. My primal therapist used to say over and over to me "breathe breathe don't stop breathing" but the breath just goes out of me and I have nothing in me. I am not ready to feel the full feeling yet, it may take me years, but I'm okay with that. Death is very scary, so having already experienced it I'm not surprised I don't want to go there yet. My defenses protect me from experiencing the full horror of that early experience, and I'm okay with that. I have a feeling that if I have a child, giving birth may trigger me into my own birth, but I don't know that for sure. Probably that's one reason I've been so afraid of becoming a mother.

I am happy for you that you have such a strong faith Vee, I think it helps so much if the early wound is birth related. I wish that I did, but my birth stops me believing in god. My baby mind still believes my mother killed me when I was being born, so if I can't trust my mother, then there is nothing in the world that can be trusted. Apparently, it is possible for babies to overcome a difficult birth if the mother is secure and can attach with love, but my mother wasn't able to do that, so my wound just got intensified in my primary relationship, but it's never too late to recover, and I'm grateful that I've found therapists in my life who understood me and didn't think I was bonkers when I talked about my birth. I always knew instinctively that I'd been strangled at some point in my life. I HATE to have anything tight around my neck, and when I read Janov I was sure I'd been born with the cord around my neck, which my mother confirmed for me.

Phew, sorry Miz, gone waaay off subject here, it was your dream that brought all of that up for me. Best. P.

[knowlove]

I find all this so fascinating! I too have very little trust in humanity. All my life anyone I was supposed to look up to and take care of me failed 9except my grandparents) so how can I trust anyone if the very people I relied on early on failed me? Miz, interesting you dreamed of a big black hole when so many of us call this deep need inside us a black hole within.
I love reading your thoughts Prim. You always have so many interesting things to say and I learn from all of it!
Miz so glad you were able to keep busy and not contact POA. I find it amazing that so many of us had a traumatic birth experience.

[quinn]

Miztex—I love your dream! It's the most perfect description of what it feels like to be near a narcissistic POA. I was especially struck by how the black hole was giving you fear and stress and devouring all your energy, love, etc., but it didn't have any awareness of its effect on you. This is SO true. It makes me realize again how pointless it is to try to get a narcissist to understand me, hear my feelings, my reality. It's never going to happen because a narcissist/black hole has no capacity for empathy. As you say "it simply exists."

I just love it when dreams make things absolutely clear for us so all questions and doubt about what we need to do are erased—a gift from HP I always think.

[knowlove]

Quinn, Ive learned one thing (and we've discussed it here as well). We cannot control how others feel or think BUT we can control how we react and deal with situations. I learned we just cannot get people to see our way of thinking and after beating my head against a wall endless amounts of times, I now work on myself and my feelings to people and situations. Not always easy but a work in progress!

[lotus]

I was obsessed with sending the birthday wish the first year away from my POA. I felt so horrible about the NC that I wanted to show him I didn't forget him. Luckily, my husband and therapist knocked some sense in me, and I didn't do it. This year his birthday almost slipped by without me even realizing it...almost. I'm hopeful for next year.