Step 9 help please

[lotus]

About five years ago I was obsessed with one of my husband's friends. We hung out almost every week as a group. I stared at him all the time and tried flirting with him. It got to the point where I wanted to leave my husband (then boyfriend) for this guy, but my husband I guess talked to him about it to make sure nothing happened on his friend's end.

Today, we aren't really friends with him anymore. We see him once or twice a year at parties and that's it. However, I do talk to this guy's recent girlfriend on Facebook and was thinking about inviting her to my birthday party.

I can't decide whether it's appropriate to reach out to apologize to this guy. I never did, and I feel so bad about the situation I put him through. I worry, though, about the negative consequences of stirring up old stuff. One, because he is a very private person and I feel bringing this up might just embarrass him more. Two, it's been such a long time and we aren't really friends anymore. And, Three, I seem to be pursuing friendship with his girlfriend, which complicates things.

Any thoughts?

[primrose]

Could you do a spiritual amend rather than a face to face amend? If you feel it may hurt him or complicate matters with his girfriend, perhaps it isn't right to do a direct amend. I wrote letters to the people I needed to make amends to but couldn't do it in person and read my letters to my HP. It helped a lot. P.

[trout46]

Lotus:

Let me offer a male perspective on this (that basically agrees with Prim's suggestion).

Obviously, your H was on to the sexual tension between you and his friend. He obviously spoke to him, and more obviously, kept you apart after you were married. Your H was, in other words, very concerned about the possibilities.

Moreover, this sounds like a classic POA in the making. Were you to reach out to express an amend to him, the chances are high that the previous "tension" would reignite. Is this what you want? If not, stay away. Don't forget that the 9th step says, "unless it would cause harm." I think this (possible) outcome would qualify as "harm," so in situations such as these, it is always better to make the amend in an alternative way.

Your comments identified a number of alternative reasons why it might not be a good idea to make direct amends with this person, but the reason I would be most concerned about wasn't included among them. Perhaps you don't see the possibilities there, but again, having been a H (twice), and as a recovering male LA, you should at least consider the way your H could perceive this, not to mention the possibility I mentioned above.

I'm only offering this as a FWIW. I'm very sorry if it came off stronger than that, because I did not intend for it to. Must be triggering me in some way--perhaps touching a jealousy button re my POA. (I'm now at about 10 weeks of hard core N/C. Have about 5 to go before the semester begins, and then it must morph into LC. I find myself anxious thinking about mid-August, and (again), I think this triggered me.)

[lotus]

Thanks, both of you. The point about it being dangerous is a good one. It's a little concerning that I didn't really think about that.

I'm going to have to do a spiritual amend for all my past POA's it seems, which makes sense. Which leaves my husband as the only person to do direct amends to...

Trout, you did not come off too strong, and I do really appreciate the male perspective (and am very happy there are men on these boards!). Sorry if my post triggered you. Let me know if my wording could be more neutral.

[trout46]

Lt!)otus:

No problem at all! I was writing quickly, as I have so little time to post right now, and worried that you may have misunderstood me. (Or, my codependency is just playing out.)

[sexlessw]

Lotus:

I like the idea of the spiritual amends. Why directly confront this man if everything is OVER? That won't help you out any. What's done is done. Time to start afresh - esp since he has a nice GF.

Just MHO.