LIMITED CONTACT

[g]

Please post your suggestions for LC on this thread.

[quinn]

Okay, I'm moving the post I left in Our Writing on LC over to here:

I am one of those people for whom NC is not an option right now. I married my POA and am in the process of divorcing and selling the house which requires (at least for now) contact almost every week. Once the house has sold, there will be further meetings with lawyers until, I imagine, at least the new year.

LC has been very very difficult for me. Every time I have a week away from him I start feeling strong, I see him for who he really is (alcoholic, avoidant, anger issues), and I know I will be okay on my own. Then I see him and I lose contact with reality. I imagine again that he is a wonderful, kind, good person who needs me to save him. (Sometimes even an email from him, one that is just about business) sends me down this road.

So clearly LC requires extra measures in order to get through contact without being back at square one every time. I have found that, for me, the crucial steps are:

1. Before contact, call or email friends (who understand recovery) and let them know contact will be happening today and you need to check in afterwards. Then call or email afterwards so you can get a reality check in case you developed contact-induced-amnesia about POA.
2. Before contact, read your journal! This will remind you of who POA really is and you will be less likely to get lost in a fog of nostalgia. After contact, again, read your journal! Do this immediately (your journal should be in the car or purse with you) before the contact has had too long to settle into your brain in a negative way.
3. Spend at least 10 minutes with HP before and after contact. This will remind you that POA is NOT your HP.

[kelleyboy]

Mine is moved here too.

I would just like to ad my two cents regarding this issue. Some of us are not able for whatever reason to do no contact. For instance I work with my POA. To say "contact" means acting out is not necessarily true in my experience. Newcomers should know the whole story about contact or no-contact when it comes to POAS. Certainly it is the best case scenario for us. But I have found that, although sometimes difficult, it is possible to recover while in limited-contact with a POA. At first I needed to stay as far away as possible from this person as I could. My psyche just couldn't handle being around them much. Needed to check my motives, and call program people a LOT and go out in the parking lot and cry like a baby everyday. Overhearing her conversations, accidentally running into her, struggling with objectification were all potential landmines I navigated everyday. I did none of this perfectly, and slipped a lot at first. Slowly, little by little I have found the pain lessen and my perspective about this situation has become more positive, and less addictive-ly charged.

My main bottom line behavior was NOT to pull her aside to salve my wounds. I haven't done it in months. I am a torch bearer and this person will probably always have a bit of "power" over my emotions(hopefully not) while I am around her. But, I can attest that, if I really do not want to be tyrannized by this addiction, and I do a few simple things while in proximity of this person and try try try to have patience with myself, day by day I get better.

We all have different experiences with addiction and recovery. We all have different backgrounds. Sometimes situations are not optimal for NO Contact. It is preferred above anything but life is not black and white. HP will give you what you need to get through it, and in the end should probably be the Ultimate Consultant.

KB

[primrose]

I take my hat off to both of you for going through LC. I think you are amazing for doing it. I was grateful that my POA lived on the other side of the world, NC was hard enough for me, actually seeing my POA regularly would have been horrendous and I don't know how my withdrawal would have gone if I'd had to go LC. I think you are both incredibly brave. P.

[g]

You can say that again Primrose.

One ping on FB and I was reeling.

Hats off to you, Quinn and KB. And to Bluejay too.

G

[g]

Thank you for this post studentm.

Your experience is precious and I'm glad that you shared it on this board

G