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Post by g on Jun 27, 2010 3:30:54 GMT -5
Let's share the techniques we used to stop ourselves thinking obsessively about our POA.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 27, 2010 18:27:13 GMT -5
Greta:
At this moment in time, I don't think I personally HAVE any techniques. I could share what I've heard other people do.
1. Allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about the stbxPOA. Say an hour. Or 15 minutes. Clock the minutes. Once that specific amount of time is up, say to yourself "It's time to focus on other things."
2. Reading something challenging but not utterly understandable. I said this before - I began to read "The Economist" cover to cover 10 years ago when I was withdrawing from my first AP.
3. Engage in coversation with other people - at work, at the store - at the gym - wherever you are. That may blunt the "What is the POA doing right now?" line of thinking.
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Post by g on Jun 28, 2010 4:34:09 GMT -5
I read somewhere that it helps to know that we are not our thoughts and that we should just let these thoughts flow thru our mind without taking an interest in them. Watch them, observe them but just let them float past. If we don't give the thought any power it will fade away.
This has helped me a lot. And it has got easier over time. Sometimes they do come back though and i have to step back again and stop fuelling them.
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Post by g on Jun 28, 2010 5:48:04 GMT -5
Just spoke to Angel on Skype. She misses everyone and says hello.
She just reminded me of the rubber band to stop obsessive thoughts. You put a rubber band around your wrist and ping it whenever you start obsessing about your pOA. The repeated pain you feel is associated with your POA and eventually your brain won't want to go there.
Thinking about your POA stings. Literally.
G
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 28, 2010 6:40:39 GMT -5
Hello Angel!
Greta: The rubber band theory was another one I'd heard about. Not sure exactly HOW many persons have actually used that one. If anybody has, I'd like to hear their results.
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Post by Rilly on Jun 28, 2010 9:42:31 GMT -5
Two approaches that worked for me are Distraction and Reality Check.
1) When I first broke up with my POA it was very difficult. One of the things I did to survive was find an old TV series on the internet and watch an entire season of episodes in one day. I actually enjoyed the series, and it kept my mind thinking about something besides my POA. Others forms of distraction will also work, such as books, working hard at my job, posting on the forum, etc. Certain types of TV shows or movies will work, and others won't. Obviously, watching romances may not work. ..lol. Old westerns or thrillers worked for me, with just enough violence to keep my attention.
2) Reality Check is something that helped me a lot. POA's are not perfect. Love addicts tend to live in a fantasy world and only see what they want to see. Everything they see is wonderful. We somehow don't see the flaws. We just see fantasy and don't realize that it isn't real! My POA was cheating on her husband. She was dishonest, she was a liar, she was selfish. There were times when she also lied to ME. She did a lot of disgusting things. I concentrated on all those things. So instead of trying to stop thinking about her, I focussed on all her bad qualities, the ones that weren't part of my fantasy. This helped me to wake up and accept that my fantasy world with her wasn't real. My obsession diminished quickly as the image became less pleasant.
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Post by serenity on Jun 28, 2010 16:31:42 GMT -5
Yes i'm a rubber band advocate, it worked well for me and i used it for about 2 months whilst in the early to middle stage of withdrawal. Give it a go everytime your poa comes into your mind, ping that band and chuckle as you remember you are now taking good care of yourself at last and CELEBRATE YOURSELF!! Blessings, Vee
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Post by dreamer on Jul 20, 2010 19:02:43 GMT -5
I have used the rubber band technique. I've used it when I felt like crying and it definitely distracted me. I still cried at times but it did help.
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Post by CJ on Jul 20, 2010 21:34:23 GMT -5
Sexless already made the point, but I sometimes just give myself permission to obsess for a brief period of time. When the time is up I try to think of the reality of the person Poa is and how I felt while in the relationship. It seems to help when I face small triggers; I can push them away thinking "you already did this today". The occasional big triggers do slip through and can be very disruptive. I do find they are decreasing in frequency and intensity. I try to visualize my Poa obsessions as being in a box and every day the box is getting a little bit smaller. NC is helping; support of friends is helping. Someday I will pinch that tiny box between my thumb and forefinger and drop the crumbs in the bin.
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Post by knowlove on Jul 21, 2010 18:04:17 GMT -5
I have yet to find an answer but sometimes will just tell myself to stop and find other things to keep my mind busy. Keeping busy seems to be the only thing that works. Down time is not my friend.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 21, 2010 18:04:28 GMT -5
What has worked for me is discovering what the POA represented, what the attraction and attachment was all about. What need was I trying to get met through the POA?
It takes the magical spell off the POA and exposes the fantasy. It is like in the Wizard of Oz when the curtain reveals a mere man instead of a giant powerhouse. Oz tries to hide, saying: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Oz the mere man represents our POAs and when we look at them in the light of day we see they are not the source of our security and life. For me, that role is with my HP and a POA is a very poor substitute.
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Post by miztex on Jul 23, 2010 15:01:22 GMT -5
I got through it by reading books and internet stuff like this board to take my mind off the POA's good stuff fantasy and see the reality. A good dose of reality medicine is in order.
Books I recommend are:
****"Narcissistic Lovers: How to cope, recover and move on" by Cynthia Zane and Kevin Dibble
"Children of the Self-Absorbed: A grownups guide to getting over Narcissistic parents" by Nina Brown
"Confusing Love with Obsession" by John D. Moore
***"Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody
"The Wizard of OZ and other Narcissists"
***"Emotional Unavailability" by Bryn Collins
*"Odyssey of the Heart: The search for closeness, intimacy, and love"
"Obsessive Love: When it hurts too much to Let go" by Susan Forward
*Feel the Fear....and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers
"A boy called "IT" and "A Man called Dave" by Dave Pelzer (warning:disturbingly graphic abuse)
**The Sex and Love Addicts big book(available on their website)
**"How to break your addiction to a person" by Howard M. Halpern
I also gleaned a great deal of info about sociopaths and people unable to feel empathy from reading true crime stories. Particularly "A Deadly Game" by Catherine Cryer (about Scott Peterson, the N who killed his pregnant wife and child) and the story of Casey Anthony and her pathological lying and N that led to her daughter Caylee's murder. It is called "Mommy's little girl" by Diane Fanning.
Also, "You might be a Narcissist if....How to identify N in ourselves and others and what we can do about it. " by Paul Meir, Lisa Chalebois, and Cynthia Munz
And the best for last,
***"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw
Reading all this should keep ANYONE from obsessing! LOL! : ) (and it WORKS!)< cross my heart>
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Post by miztex on Jul 23, 2010 15:08:12 GMT -5
Also, Exercise, facial, massage, sunshine, good friends, a movie; all help. You still obsess, but you are filled with Seretonin(the feel good chemical) and that works wonders.
P.S. Alcohol, drugs, sex, binge eating, smoking, DO NOT HELP! They just cover up the pain and postpone it. You HAVE to go through it. Come to the board instead to vent.
Good luck to all newbies reading this thread. I know it sounds corny but, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. BTDT!
It does get better. Really. It even gets good again. REALLY!
miztex
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Post by rickfaith on Jul 23, 2010 16:33:37 GMT -5
Hi Mztex and all ya'll... I found that walking a lot helped...and i would pray with each step...when the pop ups hit...qwhats she doing, who with, when, why wont she call, why dont she care...and all that other centered garbage... I wouild walk and pray walk and pray...each time the pop jup hit i would say... i am powerrless over that...God please take that from me.... and do that over and over... it helped...but do what ever you have to.... i fuind the jealousy and not being good enouigh thoughts the worse oparts for me.
her loooking at another man thoughts...ouch... but i know it is my garbage...and i also know that it is not healed and probably wont ever be totally.,...but i have learned that i will survive it...i will cause i have for 47byears...it wont kill me...it really wont....it just feels rotten cause it is associated with childhood stuff and is deeply ingrained.
Who ever is struggling...you need to realize this: YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.... if you work this 12 step program you will get through...you will see the sun again....and it will feel good. hugs to you.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 23, 2010 17:02:00 GMT -5
Good ideas Rick! I remember reading your posts on the other board and you often were going on a walk. Thought that was great. Praying with each step is even better. Like the pop-up concept too. Great visual.
By the way, read about you being in the ER recently and wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you went through that and glad that you're getting good treatment. Also, I read parts of your story involving childhood abuse and it touched me. Very sad. You are a survivor. Glad you're here in our fellowship.
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