Post by primrose on Jun 23, 2010 2:30:44 GMT -5
Often LAs have a fantasy of perfect care. If you have it, it might be a good idea to bottom line it as it puts unbearable pressure on relationships.
In my own case, my need for perfect care came from my mother's inability to care for my emotional needs as a child. I felt furious as a child that she couldn't love me. And I was very hurt. As an adult I expected my husband to meet all of my emotional needs like a mother. I expected him to listen to me, to comfort me, to care for me, to be my parent as well as my spouse. I wanted a partner who indulged my child and who took care of everything for me. That was wrong and very selfish of me and my husband could not and would not meet my insatiable needs for care. I got so angry being asked to do simple things around the house, I said I wasn't the kind of person who was interested in being domesticated (but I expected him to be) I was so angry that as a child I hadn't been taken care of sufficiently, that I harmed my marriage by being irrational and demanding. I tried to get revenge for my childhood by being avoidant in my marriage and punishing my husband for not being a perfect mother to me. Poor man. He didn't know what was going on. What he did for me was plenty, but I was always wanting more, and when he said "no" to me I reacted like a child (I was a child in this way) and I was furious if I didn't get what I wanted.
The fury and the selfish behaviour only started to lift when I began to really take care of my own needs and grieve that as a child I wasn't taken care of properly. Nothing will bring my childhood back so I can have a mother who was present for me. I have to be my own mother. I can't make any other person in my life responsible for my happiness. I can't expect my husband to be my nurturing parent. Those needs are historical. My husband is a good man who can be present enough and give enough in our marriage. And I have to be equally prepared to be present enough and give enough. And the historical emptiness I have in me, that is for me to address.
In the past all I felt was "I need, I'm not being given too, I'm FURIOUS and HURT" those feelings blocked out reality. Now if those feelings come up, (it's rare that they do actually as I've grieved a lot and I do take care of a lot of my needs now), I don't act out on them by raging or being a demanding child. I can accept that my needs won't be met by someone else and I can live with that.
Really, why should other people meet our needs? It's crazy to expect that they will! But I carried that unconsciously in my marriage and I damaged my marriage with my demands and rage. Perfect care is a very powerful fantasy and if it's operating unconsciously it is the very thing that stops a person getting their genuine needs met. P.
In my own case, my need for perfect care came from my mother's inability to care for my emotional needs as a child. I felt furious as a child that she couldn't love me. And I was very hurt. As an adult I expected my husband to meet all of my emotional needs like a mother. I expected him to listen to me, to comfort me, to care for me, to be my parent as well as my spouse. I wanted a partner who indulged my child and who took care of everything for me. That was wrong and very selfish of me and my husband could not and would not meet my insatiable needs for care. I got so angry being asked to do simple things around the house, I said I wasn't the kind of person who was interested in being domesticated (but I expected him to be) I was so angry that as a child I hadn't been taken care of sufficiently, that I harmed my marriage by being irrational and demanding. I tried to get revenge for my childhood by being avoidant in my marriage and punishing my husband for not being a perfect mother to me. Poor man. He didn't know what was going on. What he did for me was plenty, but I was always wanting more, and when he said "no" to me I reacted like a child (I was a child in this way) and I was furious if I didn't get what I wanted.
The fury and the selfish behaviour only started to lift when I began to really take care of my own needs and grieve that as a child I wasn't taken care of properly. Nothing will bring my childhood back so I can have a mother who was present for me. I have to be my own mother. I can't make any other person in my life responsible for my happiness. I can't expect my husband to be my nurturing parent. Those needs are historical. My husband is a good man who can be present enough and give enough in our marriage. And I have to be equally prepared to be present enough and give enough. And the historical emptiness I have in me, that is for me to address.
In the past all I felt was "I need, I'm not being given too, I'm FURIOUS and HURT" those feelings blocked out reality. Now if those feelings come up, (it's rare that they do actually as I've grieved a lot and I do take care of a lot of my needs now), I don't act out on them by raging or being a demanding child. I can accept that my needs won't be met by someone else and I can live with that.
Really, why should other people meet our needs? It's crazy to expect that they will! But I carried that unconsciously in my marriage and I damaged my marriage with my demands and rage. Perfect care is a very powerful fantasy and if it's operating unconsciously it is the very thing that stops a person getting their genuine needs met. P.