Obsessing about death

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Quinn, your post about being obsessed about being attacked in your house reminded of how I used to be terrified of my parents being killed in their beds.
I used to worry about that a lot and I'd tell my sister who was closest to me in age about my fears. We'd be lying in bed and she'd scream out for my mum who would come running to find out what was wrong. I suppose my mum thought I was just deliberately trying to scare my sister so I would get slapped for it and told not to talk about stuff like that.

As a result I became afraid of talking about my fears I suppose. I became the brave independent child who would watch thunderstorms and go stay at other family members' houses while none of my sisters would do that when they were young.

I was very like my brother in that way.

I'm the only sibling that has actually left home and moved away while everyone else still lives in my parents' apartment block.

Moving was a very painful thing to do but it helped me to stop obsessing about losing my parents. That was something that stayed with me well into adulthood.

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Posted a link to an article about death, religion and addiction in Self Help
hopeforloveaddicts.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=selfhelplit1&thread=226

[rickfaith]

I had two sisters come home this summer...within 24 hours...these 'experts' on what I should do ior be doing hated being with her and felt 'stuck' with her. But not one can give me one word of praise or gratitude. Hell with them anyway.
I am very tired and Mom is starting to walk away from the house, sometimes stepping on bugs, and sometimes I feel so guilty but i cannot watch her all day long. i truly think she has a mental illness...ocd or something. She cannot, and will not stay still! If me or my sister dont take her for a drive, she walks off somewhere if she can. I think she is using this to be drivien around honest to god I do.

I love her dearly, but this has to end soon. I cancel;led to doctors appopintment to get her accessed...cause i knew what he would say and what i would have to do..and i didnt have the heart. But its coming soon, she will have to go to a home and i hate myself for being tired and exhausted. Fear? I know all about fear and scenarios in my mind of how awful it will be and how will it be and how will it unfold and when will it come crashing down and what will happen to me and how hill i cope and...what will i do? Scary.

I trust God sometimes, lots of times lately i am angry at god. It is what it is.

Hugs to all.

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I've been reading on a site that Primrose suggested on another thread and finding that Primal Therapy probably holds many of the answers to a lifetime of problems for me.

I was obsessed about dying 7 years ago. Totally obsessed. I couldn't breathe at night ( I thought it was my asthma) and my throat was always tight. I'd rush to hospital regularly and was told it was anxiety. I'd get all kinds of bloodwork done and still nothing. It just went on and on until I found it impossible to stand for any length of time and I eventually started having invalidating panic attacks. ( apparently caused by a deep seated fear of fear)

It was only when someone joked about me being a hypochondriac to a close mutual friend that I snapped out of my obsession.

Strangely tho, that is when my H's health problems began and ...guess what? I started to obsess about his condition. I'd spend hours on the internet trying to understand the causes of his symptoms that no medical professional or other family members had witnessed or were prepared to believe.

Of course I had been labelled a hypochondriac with anxiety and panic attacks by those around me so people thought I was exaggerating (except for our daughters who had seen my H having partial seizures)

My 'hypochodria' may have saved his life in the end because it took 8 months of insisting to a myriad of health specialists that there was something wrong with my H before one neurosurgeon suggested an MRI to give ME some peace of mind.

He had a 5cm tumour pressing down on his brain so I hadn't been imagining everything after all.

I took care of everything when my h was sick and in his early recovery only to feel unloved and unappreciated when it was all over.

Those feelings were very similar to the feelings I had after giving birth to my first child. Everybody was attentive to my baby and I felt neglected. The same happened with my H. he got all the pity and i wa sexpected to take things in my stride.

My tendency to obsess about health issues and to research them ad nauseam helps me connect with birth and death in some way.

My fear of death has been huge throughout my life but since I've been in recovery I truly feel reborn. Could I have finally conquered my fear of death by facing my primal fears?

Oh my head hurts. what does this have to do with my deep self hatred and disgusting behaviour during my EMA? How much did my extreme neediness and repressed sexual energy have to do with this?

Got to keep reading...obsessively...
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