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Post by g on Sept 12, 2010 3:38:46 GMT -5
From 12x12 (pp. 66-67) I've been reading 12x12 online The spiritual principle of Step 6 is WILLINGNESS, right? So we have to be ready to TRY to get rid of our defects. Progress not perfection, but we have to really try, TODAY, to 'come to grips with some of our worst character defects and take action towards their removal as quickly as we can.'
'The moment we say NO, NEVER! our minds close against the grace of God'I said NO to God on and off during my EMA. My life was saved when I let HP back into m y heart and soul so I really must trust Him now to remove my defects. I have to be entirely ready to let Him do His work www.aa.org/1212/ (for a downloadable version of 12x12) On defects that we tend to love and not let go of easily Who doesn't like to feel a bit superior to their fellow?
Isn't it true that we like to let greed masquerade for ambition?
How many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?
... and many people have to admit that their imaginary sex excursions are apt to be all dressed up as dreams of romance.
self righteous anger -
gossip barbed with our anger, a polite form of murder by character assassination - here we are not trying to help those we criticize; we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.
Gluttony is taking our comfort.
We live in a world riddled with envy-
To a greater or lesser degree, everybody is infected with it. From this defect we must get satisfaction. else why would we consume such great amounts of time wishing for what we have not, rather than working for it, or angrily looking for attributes we shall never have, instead of adjusting to the fact and accepting it?
procrastination - sloth in five syllables.
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Post by g on Sept 12, 2010 4:18:39 GMT -5
Primrose, You once asked me if I'd bottomlined jealousy. I'm not sure I really understand what is meant by bottomlining.
I have jealous thoughts but I try not to entertain them. I don't dwell on the thoughts as long as I used to in the past and let my rational self do the talking.
Triangles involving friendships are particularly painful for me so I avoid them and try to really concentrate on my r/s with that particular friend and not on their r/s with the other. My EMA Was a triangle but that really was an exception in my life while triangles in non romantic relationships have been more frequent. My gut reaction is to confront the person I feel 'betrayed' by but I'm learning to sit with my feelings and if I allow my addict time to calm down I get everything back into perspective. I can literally feel the chemicals settling. It's wonderful to be so conscious of what is going on in my body and makes it a lot easier to cope when I don't let my emotions run my life.
Regarding my h, I have never checked his cellphone or his pockets deliberately. Nor do check up on his movements. I don't quiz him (at least I haven't since I've been in recovery. What right do I have anyway???) Is that the kind of thing you mean?
G
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Post by serenity on Sept 20, 2010 4:39:02 GMT -5
I've just finished the step 6 chapter from 'drop the rock' and it takes a close look at the 7 deadly sins which encompass all of our defects of character. The one's that i'm seeing at the moment are:
Fear- that people don't understand me, that i will never understand me, that i don't like people, that i won't be able to accpet myself for who i am.
Jealousy- comparing myself to others and fearing that my path won't take me where i want to go unless i get help from others
Anger- at my family and blaming them for my troubles in life, and at myself for having self pity.
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Post by moonlight on Sept 20, 2010 4:45:29 GMT -5
Interesting Serenity. For me, at this moment, that would be:
Fear: that I'm worthless and people will notice and humiliate or abandon me. Jealousy: at all the more popular people than myself (especially my sister) Anger: at everyone who rejects me.
So lots in common..
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Post by g on Sept 20, 2010 4:56:59 GMT -5
Fear :
I'm afraid my daughters or h will get sick. I'm afraid because I hate the responsibilty that I have to make everything better for them and take care of them when the child in me would like to be taken care of and loved and made to feel she's special
I'm afraid of my neighbours and how they may react to anything we decide to do to in and around our home.
I'm afraid there will be more stress at work this year and more discrimination. I'm so powerless over my work situation. In limbo waiting for settlements and compensation from last 14 years' work. It's neverending.
Jealousy: I'm not jealous of other people's popularity or success. But I am jealous in any kind of triangle. Learning to recognise and sit with my feelings. I recognise them, soothe my inner child and let them go. It takes a few days but it is working.
Anger. Finding it hard to access anger towards my sisters and mother or in laws. I've always been taught to forgive and forget. But little goody two shoes holier than thou me is dead now. I need to release the anger if I want to change. I need to scream and shout and not always think that I am totally to blame for everything. Shame suffocates all my angry feelings I think.
Thank you ladies for writing about this today
xxx
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Post by g on Sept 20, 2010 5:26:40 GMT -5
Just read excerpt online from the book you mentioned Serenity. I had started reading it before I attempted to order it.
Something I read made me realise something.
I have to ask God to remove a defect that is impeding me from reaching intimacy with my h. I need to pray that I will stop judging him as intellectually inferior. I need God to help me stop feeling embarrassed by the way he talks or reasons or writes. We were talking about homosexuality with our friends over dinner on Saturday night and i just sat there cringing when I wasn't answering him back. I have to stop being judgemental and I have to accept that he is the way he is and thinks the way he thinks.
God please help me to be tolerant. Please remove my defect of superiority towards my h. Please help me to stop being embarrassed by him the way I used to be embarrassed about my immigrant parents. I am willing and entirely ready for You to remove these particular defects of mine.
G
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Post by moonlight on Sept 20, 2010 9:42:34 GMT -5
Hi Greta
I can totally relate to feeling embarrassed about what my partner does. To me it's a matter of superiority, self-seekingness, identification and overresponsibility. I know I'll meet with these feelings in any love relationship, unless god will take them away at some point. It's not nice to feel like this. I want to feel safe and secure, and equal, and I want to be interested in how the other person really is without demanding them to change in what I think is best.
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Post by moonlight on Oct 5, 2010 17:20:47 GMT -5
Sixth step: were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
My defects of character were:
-Procrastination -Grandiosity (also resulting in authority conflicts, especially within myself) -Self-seeking/ self-righteousness (meaning I want people to change their behavior into what I feel is morally right) -Perfectionism -Overresponsibility, over-identification with victims -Low self esteem -Looking for a poa to raise my self esteem, resulting in codependency -Obsessive-compulsive behavior when I feel rejected and worthless
Right now in the dating process, I think the codependency plays a big part. As does procrastination and all the fear-avoiding behavior. What is codependency to me in this situation? I project something onto my partner to make me feel good about myself. I use him as a substitute. I'm addicted to this feeling. So I use him to give me a kick. I use him as a drug.
God, I feel a great hunger for this kind of validation. Help me to accept that I'll never be a child again and that I won't get that kind of love. Help me to let go of this need and replace it with a healthy form of attraction. Help me to love in an adult way, with respect of the other persons identity, maintaining my personal boundaries, staying with myself at all times.
I am willing to be released of the codependency. I'm willing to let go of the kick it gives. I can't do it on my own, but I'm inviting you to remove my defects of character. I'm willing to stand on my own two feet at all times. Please help me recognize when I make myself small or big in comparison to others. Please help me replace these feelings with genuine love and acceptance.
Thank you. Amen.
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Post by moonlight on Oct 6, 2010 4:12:32 GMT -5
Maybe I'll call my Higher Power Daddy from now on. I so need a father but I'd never address him as father. I need a daddy close to me, who protects me and loves me and is non-judgmental. Daddy, no it sounds a bit strange. In Dutch it sounds better. Maybe Father God.
Father god: please give me the paternal love I crave for. So I'm not depending on humans for it anymore.
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Post by moonlight on Oct 9, 2010 4:20:55 GMT -5
Am I willing to let go of my character defects? What positive side-effects do I have to be willing to let go of? I'll use the following signs: -C-: is decrease or avoidance (- is less) of undesired consequences (C-) +C+: is increase (+ is more) of desired consequences (C+)
Positive side-effects of: -Procrastination: -C- An immediate avoidance of confronting the fearful consequence
-Grandiosity (also resulting in authority conflicts, especially within myself) +C+: an increase of good feelings about myself, feeling big, powerful, safe, wonderful
-Self-seeking/ self-righteousness (meaning I want people to change their behavior into what I feel is morally right) -C-: a decrease of being confronted with unsafe behavior
-Perfectionism -C-: a decrease/avoidance of the chance of being criticized
-Overresponsibility, over-identification with victims I don't know about this yet. What is or was the benefit of overidentifying myself with victims?
-Low self esteem -C-: avoidance of having to take responsibility, avoidance of frustration, avoidance of criticism by doing it myself
-Looking for a poa to raise my self esteem, resulting in codependency +C+: increase of self esteem, increase of feeling high
-Obsessive-compulsive behavior when I feel rejected and worthless -C-: avoidance of a dreaded outcome
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Post by moonlight on Oct 9, 2010 4:27:44 GMT -5
I know. By overidentifying with victims I try to prevent that someone gets angry with me. -C- Avoiding anger. So that's a risk I'll have to take, that people will be angry with me. That scares me to bits. I really really hate that. That's probably why I feel so lousy now about telling the Guy. I'm afraid he'll be angry with me big time.
I notice that fear of anger/criticism leads a lot of my behavior. That makes sense. I was raised within an atmosphere of anger. My mother used to burst out once in a while, which scared me enormously. It made the world stop turning. It made me feel so depressed and sad. Nothing else mattered.
So I'll need to give up that (fake) safety net of preventing anger. It means setting clear boundaries between myself and other people. I am not the victim. I'm somebody else. I am not the Guy.
I think I'm willing to have god remove these shortcomings. I think it's time to organize a 7th step. Any ideas/suggestions? Love, Moonlight
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