Working the Sixth Step

[g]

I need to start working my Sixth Step but have to list my defects obviously. Any advice P on how to go about doing that?

Is there a worksheet available online anywhere that could help me do that thoroughly?

[g]

I'm just going to put down some of my thoughts

My defects:
Wanting to be considered special

Looking for validation from people I respect highly and feeling neglected if that doesn't happen occasionally

Childish reaction to attention from highly educated men or people in authority

feeling pleasure when I'm singled out for being different

very low self esteem

feeling guilty about things even when there is no reason

feeling I have to share everything equally with my siblings or 'I'm bad' ( mother drummed this into me and at 46 i can't go on holiday without thinking I HAVE TO get my sisters souvenirs or food)

Fear of self improvement ( Why don't I learn to play guitar or swim properly? Why don't I do take another degree? What am I really afraid of?)

fear of change I think.



fear of realising my true potential at work

[serenity]

Were at the same stage again G. I've just started my step 6 questions and these are my defects so far:

1. Abrasiveness, hostility, being generally bad-humored. – problem around my dad
2. Anger, hatred, aggression, being argumentative, inner rage. – don’t deal with my angry feelings straight away and can suppress them for too long
3. Anxiety Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change. Notice I wake with anxiety quite a lot at mo and pray for god to take and be with me.
4. Apathy, indifference
5. Arrogance, Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. An excessively favorable opinion of one’s own ability, importance, wit, grandiose thinking. Big defect for me.
6. Controlling attitude toward people, places and things; self will – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.
7. Dependency, over dependency, co dependency – hold others opinions/thoughts as superior to mine. Letting others control me to an extreme due to my fear of being alone, abandoned, or independent.
8. Depression, pessimism, complaining –as a clinical condition, as a way to generally see the dark side of things.
9. Dishonesty – Sins of omission, Minimizing feelings, Telling lies, hiding things, telling half truths or pretending something is so that isn’t. Withholding important information. Adding untrue details to stories and situations. Stealing, cheating, taking things that aren’t ours and that we aren’t entitled to.
10. Fear of life/intimacy
11. Gluttony, greed – Wanting and taking too much: food, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security. Feeling entitled to (like I have done something to deserve) things like money, time off, privileges, material things, praise, inclusion, benefits.
12. Humility, a lack of humility – Feeling better than and worse than others, and being self centered.
13. Impatience – Being frustrated by waiting, wanting often to be some time in the future, wanting something to change or improve rather than accepting it as it is.
14. Intolerance – Not accepting people or things for who or what they are.
15. Inventory taking, being judgmental, criticizing – Noticing and listing, out loud or to ourselves, the faults of others.
16. Jealousy and envy – Wanting what others have, feeling we don’t have enough or deserve more, wishing we had what others do instead of them. This applies to material possessions like houses, cars, money and such. It also applies to nonmaterial things like relationships, a nice family, children, parents, friends and partners, and fulfilling work relationships. We can envy others their looks and physical appearance, their talents and physical abilities or attributes such as thinness, tallness, sports ability or musical talent.
17. Laziness, procrastination, sloth – Not doing as much as is reasonable for me to do. Putting things off repeatedly. Not carrying my own load as much as I are able. Letting others provide things for me that I ought to get for myself.
18. People-pleasing, being a “yes” person – Being false by saying yes when I mean no, and feeling resentful about it. Trying to trick others into liking me by saying what I think they want to hear, rather than what is true.
19. Perfectionism, compulsiveness,– Expecting or demanding too much from myself or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress. Concentrating too much on what is wrong.
20. Prejudice and favoritism- Pre-judging people based on a group they belong to. Negative or positive feelings about someone based on their religion, race, nationality, age, disability, sexual orientation, accent, politics, economic status, physical characteristics like height, weight, hair style, clothing style, physical fitness, age. Not treating everyone as equal and devaluing or elevating a person or people in my family, meetings, workplace, school, or any group of people.
21. Pride – a high or inordinate opinion of my own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority
22. Pride in reverse, guilt – (from Step Four, page 45 of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions) – Spending too much time thinking about how bad I am, how I screwed up, what’s wrong with me.
23. Rationalization, minimizing and justifying, self-justification – Saying and/or believing I had good motives for bad behavior. Saying that I did bad things for good reasons, or that what I did really wasn’t that bad.
24. Resentment – The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
25. Rigidity and fear of change
26. Lust: creating intrigue with men I think are good looking , cheating on past partner’s
27. Shyness, aloofness
28. Self-centeredness, selfishness, self-seeking, attention-seeking – Spending excessive time thinking about myself. Considering myself first in situations. Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others. Thinking about what I can get out of situations and people, what’s in it for me? Spending too much time considering my appearance, acquiring things for myself, indulging myself.
29. Self pity, being discouraged
30. Undependable – being consistently 15 mins late for work
31. Deny my reality
32. Unable to ask others to meet my needs
33. Over sensitive
34. Walls of silence
35. Unforgiveness
36. Self righteousness
37. Ruminating negative thinking
38. Pure ‘O’ disturbing sexual thoughts
39. Valuing the opinion of a sick mind
40. Self loathing/absorbed
41. Playing God
42. Isolating- social/emotional anorexic
43. Financially irresponsible/insecure
44. Hopelessness
45. Fantasizing
46. Devious
47. Avoid confrontation

[g]

Oh Vee! I think I can go back through your list now and add a score (or two) of your points to my own.

Bloody hell, I've got so many defects I don't know where to start now.

G

[g]

Vee, I've looked at your list and picked out the ones that definitely apply to me. There are more defects that I'm sure will come to mind in next few days so thank you very much for getting my thought processes going.

More of my defects:


Being generally bad-humoured at home. No sense of humour with my h and not been willing to make changes.
Look down on my h and don’t appreciate him

Anger, aggression, being argumentative with my h , inner rage. – don’t deal with my angry feelings straight away and can suppress them for too long

Anxiety Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change.

Apathy

Failing to be equal partners with H and to consider his knowledge and opinions.
Dependency, over dependency, co dependency – hold others opinions/thoughts as superior to mine. Letting others control me to an extreme due to my fear of being alone, abandoned, or independent.


Dishonesty – Sins of omission, Minimizing feelings, Telling lies, hiding things, telling half truths
Withholding important information. ( my Ema, my past behavior with POA, my recovery work)

Greed – I can binge sometimes as I medicate with cakes and sweets when I’m feeling unloved.
Feeling better than and worse than others, and being self centered.

Impatience – Being frustrated by waiting,

Intolerance – Not accepting people or things for who or what they are.

Inventory taking, being judgmental, criticizing – Noticing and listing, out loud or to ourselves, the faults of others.

Jealousy and envy – of people’s jobs and status or exciting lifestyles.

I can envy others their looks and physical appearance, their talents and physical abilities or attributes such as thinness, tallness, sports ability or musical talent.
Laziness, procrastination, sloth – Not doing as much as is reasonable for me to do. Putting things off repeatedly. Not carrying my own load as much as I am able. Letting others provide things for me that I ought to get for myself.

Perfectionism, compulsiveness,– Expecting or demanding too much from myself or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress. Concentrating too much on what is wrong.
Prejudice and favoritism- Pre-judging people based on a group they belong to. Negative or positive feelings about someone based on their religion, race, nationality, age, disability, sexual orientation, accent, politics, economic status, physical characteristics like height, weight, hair style, clothing style, physical fitness, age.
Not treating everyone as equal and devaluing or elevating a person or people in my family, meetings, workplace, school, or any group of people.

Pride in reverse, guilt
Spending too much time thinking about how bad I am, how I screwed up, what’s wrong with me.

Resentment – The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.

Rigidity and fear of change

Shyness, aloofness

Self-centeredness, selfishness, self-seeking, attention-seeking – Spending excessive time thinking about myself. Considering myself first in situations. Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others.
Spending too much time considering my appearance, acquiring things for myself, indulging myself.

Self pity, being discouraged
Over sensitive
Walls of silence

Self righteousness ( I used to be very self righteous. Not any more)
Ruminating negative thinking
disturbing sexual thoughts

Self loathing/absorbed

Isolating- social/emotional anorexic
Financially insecure and dependent on H. Underachiever and underearner
Fantasizing

[serenity]

I know its scary once you realise the depth of them. I've highlighted the 10 most problematic for me and am trying to be aware of them. I'm almost allowing myself to sit in them right now and i don't know that i can give even half of them up.

I'm hoping the more i see myself in them the more i will say 'right, thats enough of this behaviour now vee'

Big hug

[g]

Another defect is that I either procrastinate regarding work or go full steam ahead blocking out everything else. That's what I'm like with hobbies too.

Right now, I have no hobby or pastime that I want to spend time on. This may be what 'balance' is for me. But I can't say I like being demotivated.

I do what I have to round the house and since I'm off work till September I'm not forced to rush around at all. Summertime is pretty flat for me most of the time and I can easily turn into a recluse at this time of the year. Too much time to think and not enough energy to 'do' because of the intense heat and humidity.

Roll on September. Not really. I enjoy not having to rush around like a blue a'd fly all the time

G

[primrose]

G, am sorry I missed your question, there is a great book that can help. Will put it in outside causes. Sounds like you're doing a great job already! P.

[serenity]

Heres a link to the book online which lets you read the intro and a bit of the first chapter:

books.google.co.uk/books?id=zaalYbWtpgwC&dq=drop+the+rock&printsec=frontcover&source=bn&hl=en&ei=2BR5TI3rN9qT4gbfyNW5Bg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q&f=false

[g]

Thanks hon. Will take a look tomorrow afternoon when I get home.
G xxx

[moonlight]

Hi!

Just finished my fifth step (thanks to a lovely, warm, tolerant sponsor). As a result, here are my character defects:

-Procrastination
-Grandiosity (also resulting in authority conflicts, especially within myself)
-Self-seeking/ self-righteousness (meaning I want people to change their behavior into what I feel is morally right)
-Perfectionism
-Overresponsibility, over-identification with victims
-Low self esteem
-Looking for a poa to raise my self esteem, resulting in codependency
-Obsessive-compulsive behavior when I feel rejected and worthless

Going to chew on that for a few weeks!

Love, Moonlight

[moonlight]

It's nice to be able to recognize my character defects in daily life. They're coping mechanisms that don't serve me anymore (I must have needed them badly as a child, I'm sure). I had an insight today. I thought: I have at least two weeks more off work because of the arm, WHY NOT ENJOY THAT??

[moonlight]

I' m working a wonderful book, I'll list it in the literature section. It helps you describe your 'cycle of fear' and your 'cycle of freedom'. All my character defects are part of the cycle of fear. The book offers a way to choose freedom over fear. I think it's wonderful and a practical way to step 7.

[primrose]

Sounds great Moonlight. Am looking forward to reading your insights. I think the more I accept my defects and practice self love, the less trouble they give me. At the moment I am working on my neediness. I still crave affirmation from people who will not give it to me. Even though I practice detachment, part of me still seeks approval from the wrong people. The kinder I am to myself about this, the more I am able to let go of the need for the acceptance of others. I feel my core-self grow in self love. Bit by bit the neediness is lifted from me. It is a process for me, there hasn't been a miraculous lifting of my defects, but there has been a slow and gentle wearing away of them. P.

[moonlight]

Thanks Prim. The book helps me toward accepting my character defects because I understand where they come from, the deep fear of not being adequate. Also it helps me connect to other people, because this fear is so common and presents itself in different ways.

My cycle of fear towards the subject of relationships:

If I want to avoid that people think I'm undesirable/unworthy, I react by

-trying hard to find a partner
-isolating myself
-try to prevent rejection by having little contact with unknown men in social situations, or rejecting them before they can reject me (being loud and dominant, making jokes, overrule them in discussions, chase them away, intimidating them, being overly critical)
-when someone's interested in me, being extremely critical to prevent that I start a relationship with an impopular man, checking to see what friends think of him, etc.
-when I like someone, thinking: if this doesn't work out, I will never find anyone.
-when I like a man, becoming very pleasing and giving up my identity

If all of that doesn't work, causing me to feel like a failure, I do the following to numb the pain:

-isolation
-compulsive shopping
-compulsive eating
-procrastinating
-worrying about my job
-chatting/surfing till late hours
-sleep deprivation
-giving up hope
-jokes on behalf of myself
-putting myself down
-crunching my teeth
-calling myself bad names
-hating myself

And this behavior lessens the chance of getting or maintaining a healthy relationship, which confirms my negative thoughts.

I'm now working on the alternative, my cycle of freedom.