No Contact As A Weapon

[sexlessw]

On one of my posts I stated that NC should not be used as a weapon. That does not mean NC CANNOT be used as a weapon. I see BoardFolks looking at that in disbelief, coming from the Take No Prisoners Hard Core NC preacher.

Yes. NC can be used as a weapon. This came as a surprise to me too. Throughout my life Ive used NC as a tool to separate myself from hurtful people - some POAs, some toxic friends. Distances of space, time, acquaintances and absolute SILENCE worked for me in the past.

I NEVER thought about their feelings when I went NC. I just didn't care. I was in pain - what they were feeling about my absence was irrelevant to me. That's my truth. I can be a real nasty gal when I want.

Six months ago I Googled on the following phrase "Getting him back". Can't imagine WHY I Googled THAT one (ha ha ha). I came upon an Internet love advice column by a Rose Hathaway with the title: How to Get Him Back: The Woman's Guide to Getting Him Back in Love, or Back in Your Life.

Now, I actually HEAR the LOLs heading my direction, b/c I was LOLing when I found it. Then I read the article, and I wasn't LOLing. I was shocked.

Ms. Hathaway stated one of the ways to get your xBF back was to NOT CONTACT HIM. For weeks. Let him wonder where you went. Let him wonder why you weren't begging him to come back, to talk it out, to see him, to cling to him, etc. In other words, your slience needed to be heard.

Think about it. What hurts another person more - much much much more - more even than physical violence or words? Silence. Total, absolute, shrieking, loud silence.

Ever had NC pulled on you? I have. It hurt. I would have preferred to have been beaten or verbally trashed out, for at least negative behavior like that was CONTACT. In the beginning stages at least. In reality, the longer NC goes on for, the better off you are.

Another recommendation from Ms. Hathaway was getting on with your life. Going out. Being social. Getting a new BF (for us LAs I don't recommend THAT - ha ha ha). Show the xBF you are not crumpled up in a corner, that you are strong. You are surviving without HIM.

Somebody once said this to me: the best revenge you can have is living your life well - and taking care of yourself.

Ms. Hathaway concluded that your seeming moving on, your silence is lure to some men. Once they see you strong, independent, not clingy or - ADDICTED - then you become attractive to them once again.

That's when NC is a weapon. When you use it to hurt another person- to get the person back in TWO ways - to hurt them and - to have them return to you.

I didn't consider any of this - but it had a practical application for me. Aspen. After 30 months of NC and moving on with my life - who knocked? Aspen. He heard my silence and detested it. He saw I was happy, secure and strong without him in my life. He was stressed by that. So, what does Aspen do? He got me back!

That's the example from my own life I can show you. Yet I don't want people to use NC for "getting the POA back". I want people to use NC for what it is: space to find ourselves, to disengage, to live again. A gift we give ourselves - not a weapon to hurt the POA.

[quinn]

Hmmm the apparent success of NC as a means to getting the POAs attention scares me. I intend to go NC after my divorce is final and I want to use it NOT as a weapon, but I am also intrigued by the idea of doing something that FINALLY gets his attention. I can't imagine him showing up 30 months (!) later, but if he did I hope I will be able to resist feeling gratified.

Phoenix, love that image of the crazy carnival ride that looks like fun but once you're on it becomes terrifying.

[primrose]

I think it's a bit like a weapon you outgrow using as a weapon the more you use it to get healthy. Think it's quite normal to feel empowered when the avoidant comes calling after a period of NC. That's when it's hard not to buckle. And mostly they do call. I was really surprised when my POA did. Took him a few months, but he did. By that time in recovery I didn't want to use NC as a way to get him back, but I could see its power. I know its power as I'm avoidant and all I ever needed to do with a LA was reject them and then they'd come running. Avoidants are the same, they're just a bit slower to start running. Am glad to have given it up as a weapon, it was my weapon of choice as an avoidant, and that is just horrible. P.

[rickfaith]

no conmtact...when i did it...was awfully hard...buit it heklped me grow... i recommend it to any la who needs to get well.

[sexlessw]

RickFaith:

ExACTLY. NC is for US to heal. NOT to hurt the POA, not to get the POA back.

Heck, you're talking to the Queen of NC preachers - NC NC NC.

Just some of this advice out there - like I cited in the original post - states NC as a way of getting them back - and as using it as a weapon of sorts.