FEEDBACK??

[jfriend]

Hi everyone. After three weeks of contact, my ex sent me an email last Friday. It seemed to be sweet, but clearly indicated that she didn't want further contact, which I understood. Here it is, exactly:

Hi J____, I just wanted to drop a quick note to say hi and to let you know that you are on my mind. I've been thinking about our last conversation and I was a little hard on you and I'm sorry about that. You did answer many of my questions and helped me heal a little and I wanted to thank you for that. I hope in some strange way, I was able to help you heal some too.
Take good care,
______


So, I waited a few days, spoke with my sponsor, cleared my head, and tried to write back honestly. Here is my response:

Hi _____. I’m glad to hear you’re healing ... I am healing, too. I can understand why you were upset during our last conversation - I put you through an awful lot, and I’m very sorry. Maybe we’ll be able to chat about this one of these days and it will all make sense. In the meantime, I wish you the best - take care of yourself.
J______


[/i]


I thought that was it - that it was wrapped up in a rather mature manner. But here's what I received from her this morning - the exact email:

as you wish


That was it. Just "as you wish". I guess I need some insight ... her email clearly indicated she didn't want continued contact, I responded in kind, and she then writes "as you wish". She made it very clear when we spoke that she was moving on with her life, and she wanted me to do the same. I came here devastated and knew I had to accept it. When she wrote her first email, I figured I could write back nicely (not be needy as I had been), and that we could leave things on good terms. And then she hammers me. Any feedback would be healthy ... I'm having a hard time knowing what is going on and what to do. Part of me wants to spill my guts out, and the other part simply says NOT to respond. I know this may sound juvenile ... but I really do hope I can get your feedback.

Thanks,

j

[knowlove]

Hi Jfriend,
it isnt juvenile. It is pretty much an expected reaction from an addict being contacted by a POA. You were all ready for closure and wrote a perfectly good note in return. You could analyze this response from POA till the cows come home. We all have this done many times I am sure. it is what we addicts do. Here is the point (you know what is coming!)-it doesnt matter what she means. You did what you did based on what was said to you and what you felt. If you are talking about her email, it does not say anything about wanting no contact nor did I feel she was asking for that, merely saying she felt she was hard on you and you helped her by answering some questions.
Sure, you could easily write back and ask her what that means and get into a huge discussion but is that what you want or do you want to heal more and get healthy before ever contacting her for anything? You know in your situation what is best for you. Didnt you feel you started getting too enmeshed and contacting way too much and being obsessive? What would be best for YOU right now? That is what you need to ask yourself.
Hope this helps.

[g]

I can't give you much feedback except to say that what you and your ex wrote to each other reminds me a lot of the way my poa and I communicated. So much to read between the lines. So much left unsaid.
His emails infuriated me at times and I told him so. I'd say 'Enough' and he'd say ' So be it'
He'd say 'Enough. I can't take any more' and I'd be begging for forgiveness' within hours.

Ugh. Cat and mouse stuff with neither of us daring to say what we really wanted to.

Sorry. That isn't much help but your post reminded me of all the hurt and frustration in my EMA. That frustration lasted 16 months. So glad I no longer have to deal with that stuff any more.
G

[trout46]

My friend:

We already had an opportunity to communicate about this, but I feel the need to reinforce the conclusion that we came to--that you came to, and I supported. Do nothing in response to the latest comment from your POA. We can't really know what her motives were in writing that little piece to you, but we don't have to know. This isn't about her, it is about you, your recovery, and what is best for you.

You have obviously grown, especially over the past month--since you returned to the board and again shared your saga with us. POA can feel your growth, and she doesn't like it. POAs never like us to grow in (healthy) ways that distance us from the power they have wielded over us. Her comment is a gasping effort to confuse and befuddle your better judgment, and to weaken you. Don't take the bait!

There is no question but that the very best thing for you to do in this situation is absolutely nothing! By doing nothing you are actually doing more than all the words and actions in the world could possibly accomplish. She probably won't like it, and you may well hear from her again. Stay strong my dear man. You are on the path to freedom and happiness.

Give it over to your HP, and He will give you the strength and courage to see it through. You are incredibly close to redemption...and happiness!

[jfriend]

Thanks everyone, for your feedback - it really is appreciated. Trout, I definitely agree with you regarding the "bait" to get me to respond. I've used such tactics myself, and I really do feel the best thing for me to do at this point is to disengage. I can also see my addict gets busy to work - writing different drafts in response: there's the vulnerable/loving draft, there's the "knock-out-punch" draft ... I've attempted many versions today. Thankfully, I sent none of them. I REALLY am proud of the email I sent yesterday ... it was about as close to being "hook free" that I'm capable of right now. I've already said what I need to say. I really do wish her the best, and now it's time to get on with it. I know tough times will come - perhaps right after I write this post - but I also know that I have the strength to do this. I have 5 months of sobriety from pills, and I think I am growing (even if I don't see it).

Anyway, thanks again, my friends - it's nice to know I can come here and get great feedback!

[primrose]

I'd keep NC. You're going into withdrawal now so it'll be hard whatever message you got. Personally, I wouldn't think "as you wish" was someone hammering me. As I'm avoidant it seems very reasonable and I might write something similar myself, but what one person feels is reasonable, another person feels is very rejecting, and the truth is in how we feel when it comes to withdrawal. If you FEEL hammered, then that's true and you'll feel much better surrendering to that feeling and letting it come up to be processed. Very good luck with your withdrawal. P.

[jfriend]

Primrose - I think you're right. I don't think she necessarily "hammered me" with that email. I can now see that is somewhat of an exaggeration. However, I do feel the statement was somewhat of a hook to keep me engaged. She knows me fairly well, and she knows what may "push my buttons". Regardless, this isn't about her intentions ... it's about my recovery. I feel a bit foolish for posting those emails for everyone to see ... but I truly did want to get some feedback as opposed to simply responding. Thanks for your feedback.

[g]

Don't feel foolish jfriend. You helped me remember what an ambiguous and unsatisfactory means of communication emailing is.
Whatever we write can be misinterpreted and no matter how clear we think we may have been the person on the receiving end may end up feeling hurt. Whether we are talking about a POA or not, emails are not a very effective means of communication as we lose all the non verbal clues we have in F2F interactions.
With my POA, I filled in all the blanks with my imagination and as our r/s was almost all via email that means an awful lot of it was fabricated. And my script was very different from his.
So thanks for posting. Hope you stay strong and put your healing first. Well done on your sobriety from pills. Great result.
G