Sharing specifics ...

[jfriend]

Hey everyone - I want to thank you all for such kind and supportive responses to my last post. I've given it some thought, and I figured I'd open up entirely and share some things that are VERY real for me right now. Perhaps this will be good for me to let all of you in - I've already shared a lot of it, but there's a bit more. Here's what's going on:

1.) I'm experiencing MAJOR depression right now. It's summer, so I'm not working. At first, I was keeping pretty busy, but each week I've fell deeper into depression, and I've isolated more and more. A lot of this is due to my opiate withdrawals - my brain is depleted of a lot of natural endorphins, and it can take a long time to repair. Anyway, I can't seem to pull myself out of it, and I'm afraid to take medications for reasons I'll explain.

2.) I'm afraid I may have diabetes - or the beginning stages of it. I'm experiencing
several symptoms, and my father died of this disease. I'm going to have a very specific test next week to determine what's going on. The symptoms could be from major depression as well, but there are several specific symptoms which scare me.

3.) I'm losing my hair. This is HUGE for me. I've always been fairly "easy on the eyes" and meeting women had been no problem. Unfortunately, I based a LOT of my confidence on my exterior; and now, in my mid-40's, I'm really showing signs of getting older. My hair has literally been falling out BIG TIME - every single time I shower, I lose a LOT of it ... my sink is FULL of it when I comb my hair after. It's easy to see I'm losing it when I look in the mirror - it's quite noticeable. I've always had an obsessive fear of balding; and now, it's REALLY happening. I can't tell you how much this consumes me (and trust me, I know how shallow it sounds). This is, no doubt, probably connected with the major stress I've been going through since I left rehab in April - my mind and body have been in shock.

4.) I have OCD. I've always had it; however, now it's really kicking my ass. With the fear of diabetes, the fact that I'm going bald, and missing my ex ... well, it's just kicking my butt.

5.) I'm so incredibly lonely that I find it difficult to socialize (something I used to be very good at). I'm self conscious, lack energy, and I'm depressed. What's more, I can't help but think of how my ex has probably moved on and is back with her old ex (who was 17 years younger than me, in a band, full head of hair, etc). Even if she's not back with him, I just feel like there is NO way I'll ever get such a nice, kind, pretty, spiritual, and educated person again. I feel I blew my last chance. I had a good catch, and I chose drugs over her ... I dumped her so I could take drugs without sneaking them. Anyway, after seeing her the other day (and even though I still have not contacted her), it just seemed to devastate me ... I can't seem to get past it.

6.) I have an anti-depressant prescription which is already filled (Wellbutrin); however, I've done a lot of reading ... and wouldn't you know - most anti-depressants have a side effect of hair loss and they can raise blood sugar. So, that feeds into both of my obsessions.

I just wanted to share some of the specifics. These are the things I'm experiencing every day, hour, and minute. It just seems like I'm getting hit from all angles: I'm lonely, getting older, losing my hair and looks, experiencing major depression, have health concerns, beating myself up over ruining it with my ex, can't stop obsessing about her, etc. If anything, it may shed light on why I'm "losing steam" in my recovery ... I just can't seem to gain momentum. I don't have anything I'm looking forward to. I know there's another side to all this ... I know there is PEACE of mind that I can have ... but it seems so very, very distant.

I would really appreciate any feedback you people have ... it really does help to feel I'm not alone. I know this was a bit melodramatic, but I thought I'd let you all "in" on what's happening.

jfriend

[knowlove]

Hi Jfriend,
First off, thank you for trusting us to share everything you have. I know how difficult it can be to trust and feel like you wont be judged or thought "crazy". I am so sorry you are going through all this stress. it must feel incredible overwhelming.
I'd like to address a few issues if I may.
1) because you state your hair is falling out in large quantities, you may want to be checked for alopecia which is an auto immune disease that can be brought on by stress. Secondly, there are other medications for depression that do not have those same side effects. I have been on one for years and I cannot tell you what a difference it has made for me. Did you actually discuss these issues with your doctor? Thirdly your OCD can also be controlled by an anti depressant that helps both depression and OCD. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on right now and think maybe speaking more with your doctor about your fears would really help (maybe you have already done this-forgive me if you have).
The diabetes can be tested and if you are in early stages there are things you can do to help keep you in better health as far as that disease. You should not feel like you have to deal with all these issues with no resolve or help.
I am sure all these things are compounding your issues with POA and your feelings of looking less attractive, etc. I can tell you it doesnt matter to ME how much hair someone has but their personality and actions. Sure you need to have chemistry but its usually not hair women look at but the eyes and smile. Ask any woman!!!
I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better but I really feel taking an anti depressant (no matter how scary) WILL help you! Just from my own experience.
I felt like I was in a 100 ft hole trying to climb up and people were shoveling dirt on me when trying to climb out. That is how I explain my depression. I know how awful it is to not want to get out of bed, not want to socialize or be with anyone. I've been there! There are days I still can feel that way and make myself get up and get out and I feel much better. have you been doing any exercise at all? Getting out in the fresh air and doing some type of exercise will also help you immensely. if you can get by any water that too has a very calming effect. I hope things get better for you and you seek more help so you can get out oft his terrible place you are in right now. I feel your pain Jfriend but you can get better. Wont happen overnight AND the ani depressants sometimes make you feel nauseous or light headed at first but after two weeks? Much better.
Please keep us up to date on how you are feeling! I kno I can speak for all of us and say we all care!

[trout46]

Jfriend:

I just sent you a very long PM that addressed most of these issues, but I can hit on some of them again.

I completely agree with Knowlove, and I can tell you with relative certainty that everyone here is going to say about the same things to you. The reasons for that are: We really care about you, and, we have literally all been exactly where you are, or at least very nearly where you arel

Deep depression is nothing to mess around with. I apologize in advance that I'm breaking full steam into advice and direction here, but we go back, we are friends, and you really need to hear it.

As I said very loudly in my PM, you need to see your doc immediately, and find the right meds for what you are dealing with. The doc may very well give you something to help immediately with the depression and anxiety, since he SSRIs take a while to kick in. There is no time to waste here, because the depression, by your own account, is acute!

Ditto on the other symptoms and possible conditions. What you describe with losing hair is just happening way too quickly to have anything to do with aging. Something is wrong, and Knowlove may well be onto it. Need to see doc.!

RE: OCD I really do not want to sound silly or cavalier, but welcome to the club. I'm guessing that minimally half (or more) of us suffer from OCD. I do. I don't need a medical diagnosis to know that a recovering alcoholic, recovering smoker, recovering codependent, and recovering LRA just might have some OCD issues.

I get loneliness, but so much of that is wrapped up--at least intensely complicated by--your deep depression, your 24/7 relentless obsessions (which I can say are standard operating procedure for anyone recovering from LRA, at least from what I have experienced and what I have observed from others), and the fact that you have been away from the board, and isolating, which I have done, and I know just complicates the hell out of things.

I know that you are suffering a magnification effect of all these nasty things. How could you not? When we are going through withdrawals from L or R A, and we are also depressed, and isolating, and not posting with the fellowship, things can become very bleak. This describes almost perfectly what I went through for three months before I discovered the LAA site, and began the recovery process.

I have my own experience, and have also spoken to others at some length about the awful period of withdrawal. We often feel abandoned by our HP in this stage, because it can be so incredibly painful--insanely painful--and it goes on for longer than we believe we can possibly take it. What you are going through in terms of the relentless obsessions, the deep, intense pain, the longing, the hypervigilence about your POA--all of that--is "normal" if you have this disgustingly painful addiction. In my case, I didn;t even know it was "withdrawal" until one day many weeks ago, Prim called it that. Works for me. Makes sense. But to just bottom-line it, it is really, really awful.

I have much more, but I have written it to you privately. The two really huge things I (and I know the others) really want you to do, for your own sake, is to see your doctor and give serious thought to starting Wellbutrin or another depression med., and secondly, to stick around the board so that the rest of us have the opportunity to validate what you are going through, and help you. Please...

[g]

Jfriend, first of all, a big safe hug ((((JF))))

Knowlove, you beat me to it and I can also see you’ve given much better medical advice than I ever could.

I can support Knowlove by saying that my addiction really affected my skin, my nails and my hair for a long time too. When I was high, I looked wonderful but when the lows came, the transformation was clear for everyone to see. When I went NC, things got even worse and I could hardly look at myself in the mirror.

I often talk to a very close female recovery friend about just how badly I looked after myself on the not so good days. And I can assure you Jfriend, I really did neglect myself. (Still do sometimes but far less frequently)


That lack of self care has a lot to do with depression and thank goodness I’m not so affected by it nowadays. I too had to go on antidepressants again when I went NC. And more importantly anti anxiety meds which give quicker results.

But when I started working the steps and let HP back into my life I became so obsessed with recovery work that I lived and breathed the Steps, the BB of AA, and posted incessantly on the board. And I was able to come of the antidepressants far more quickly than I ever had in the past.


OCD? Yes, pretty obvious to everyone I’m OCD too but I feel as if I’m doing something positive with my time now. I work on myself and love being there for others when they need somebody to talk to. Of course my obsessive nature needs more and I can’t be on the board night and day ( I probably would if there were other people around ), so at critical moments in the day I’ve replaced certain negative habits that I had in active addiction, with others that mean I look after myself instead of hurting myself.

I wake up, check the board and then do a partial body massage. It’s repetitive, tiring and makes me focus on counting and doing the movements properly. It's good for me and stops me thinking negative thoughts or obsessing about my POA. And it's a good way to start the day. Sit ups are also a good habit for me first thing in the morning (I never overdo that tho

I’m on holiday from work ( summer is sometimes very depressing for me as I’m a teacher too and have a lot of time on my hands) so I do housework, cook, shop etc.

At different times in the day I do my face exercises and tanaka facial massage. They are all repetitive movements too, either accompanied by affirmations, or actually stroking my own face and loving every movement. I’ve talked about FE often but it is such a wonderful thing for us to do for ourselves that it becomes a way of life. It can improve skin tone, muscle tone and really improves circulation. It makes my face glow. It was suggested to me by someone on here who has had wonderful results and I’m hoping I continue to benefit too.

The fear of aging was actually a huge trigger for me when I started contacting my POA. By reconnecting with someone from my teens I suppose I thought I could stop time?

The wrinkles are there, no denying it, but I’m 46 and don’t expect to start looking like a 30yr old. But I do like what I see happening to my face and that is really something for me. It feels so good to nurture myself and that is the most important thing regardless of results ( But I’m getting those too. YAY!)


BTW JFriend, Knowlove is right. As she says, most women are more attracted to a nice smile than a full head of hair. Actually, a lot of women I know find a bald head very attractive indeed. Lots of guys even shave their heads completely here as soon as they start to bald and they are no less sought after as a result.

I honestly wouldn’t worry about the hair loss but certainly know how it must be affecting you. A friend of mine lost most of his hair after brain surgery and he was talking to me a few days ago about how deeply it had affected him. All the time I kept thinking I hadn’t even noticed he was bald. He is such a charismatic person that it really makes no difference at all.


As for for wanting to get out of bed in the morning, or if you do, wanting to go back to bed as soon as possible? Yes, I know all about that too. Lived with it for many many months in stages of my life that I can now recognize as beingperiods of severe withdrawals . The only times in my life that I went on antidepressants .

I needed something to fix the serotonin levels in my brain. And I had NO side effects at all.

Go to your doctor first. Once you start taking your meds you’ll feel a lot better within a week or two, I’m sure.

Start working the steps too JFriend as it WILL take your mind off your POA. You will learn to let go of her and you will also stop blaming yourself. You’ll also find your energy levels going up as you get more recovery. I hope so anyway.

Stay close to the fellowship, JFriend, as there are lots of really wonderful people here with us and for us.
G

[rickfaith]

if a woman only wants a man for his hair...then she ought to just go to a salon and pick some off the floor.

Thats hard to go through...been there...much of my hair is gone in front...but...I am still lovable and have to realize the world is made up of nmore than me and my hair. Life has more than just hair or survival...like has careers, oppotunities, and self care, and dignity.

I think worrying about our looks and hard etc is a common theme to those of us who have obnly had those things to get by on...they were our hook to catch a fish, without that we feel we are worthless and will always be alone.

None of that is true...truth is we are more than our teeth, or hair, and we can get it cut short and live with it.... looking for a deeper spiritual meaning is a good place to start for me.

Good luck and blessings on you.

[jfriend]

My friends - I just wanted to thank you all for such heartfelt responses - it TRULY touches me ... that you would take the time to actually "hear" me and respond with such compassion. Knowlove, Trout, Greta, and Rickfaith - your responses truly helped. I really appreciate your feedback.

Interesting update: I went to my sister's house today to visit her family (sis, husband, their three kids). I took my son with me, and wouldn't you know - he's suffering from a recent breakup. It was so refreshing to speak with him; and as I heard my own feedback, I had to smile. As I told him with confidence, "This pain WILL definitely subside", I realized the same is true for me. Although I've heard many people say this to me, it was different when I told it to my son ... I "heard it" from a different place.

Anyway, I'm smart enough to know that this pain of mine is going to take a lot of work; however, simply forcing myself to get out of myself and being around family honestly did wonders for my day. It was so nice to help my son out, as opposed to just lying around and being miserable. In short, I'm glad I got out of myself today.

Thanks again, folks ... this board REALLY is a special place!

[knowlove]

Glad you were able to get out and felt better Jfriend. Also glad you were able to talk with your son and give him great advice and it helped you as well. It is funny how we can give the advice to others but when it comes to ourselves harder to follow. Hope things get better for you and you do more for yourself to get out oft his depression. I can tell you from experience (as can many here I am sure) it is a horrible feeling. We are here for you and it really is a wonderful caring place isnt it?

[primrose]

Jfriend, sending you a v big hug. Phew, I know what it's like when hair starts to fill the sink in the morning. It's happened to me twice in my life, once when I cut contact with my parents and again when I saw a bomb explode. Stress is a killer for hair with certain people. My husband is balding and he uses castor oil on his head each night, so far he says he hasn't got any balder so he's hopeful it is helping, but mostly he is sad about the hair he's lost. He did lose a lot during his chemo and he got loads of grey almost over night. I think hair means a lot to people. I had a friend in SLAA who in her withdrawal cut off her long blonde hair and it was a huge thing for her to do, she felt like she was stripping away her identity. I think in this kind of recovery it is quite normal to feel a loss of power and a loss of self. The false narcissistic self that relies on being attractive, gets stripped away, and underneath the other parts of us that haven't had a chance to develop are revealed. Like others have said, grappling with the "becoming invisible" part of ageing is pretty hard core for a LRA. But feeling it, is part of healing. It's part of losing the need for sexual and romantic validation as a source of self worth. And it is my experience that people who go through withdrawal do start to look more attractive. People seem to bloom once they're out of the pit of withdrawal. I see it a lot in meetings, and I see it in myself too. I looked like a little sad mouse in withdrawal, creeping around from meeting to meeting with my face in my hands most days. My skin was blotchy and I just looked awful, but after about a year I started to look really well, better than I had done before I got involved with my POA. I'm not alone in having that experience. It takes time, and it feels terrible going through withdrawal, losing all your ability to hook others, but you get a sense of self worth from it that really effects everything in a positive way, and you will most likely see that physically in time too. V best. P.

[CJ]

I join all the above comments and cannot add much, just one specific. I am borderline diabetic. In my case, this means checking my blood sugar every day and going on orals if I am trending too high. If things get crazy, I have to go on insulin for a while. I have also been taking Welbutrin for about two months. I have every antidepressent on the market and the Welbutrin is effective and side-effect free for me. The point is my blood sugar has not moved up since I started the Welbutrin. I don't doubt diabetes is a side effect, but these drugs have many, many side effects that most people do not experience. I know you are heading toward a diagnosis on the diabetes, but if it is making you crazy, go to the chemist and buy a cheap testing unit and test it yourself. My two cents.

Holy cow, seems all of us are depressed and OCD [waiving my hand in the air].

My thoughts and prayers Prim.

[serenity]

Your in my prayers jfriend. Since struggling on my own with deep depressions i have found a sit called 'Daily strength' to be really helpful as people share about their struggles and support for one another going through the same thing. Here's the link for the depression board but they have a borad for almost everything so you'll find diabetes on there and alopecia if thats what you have.

www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/support-group.

I also suffer with a type of OCD called 'pure O' which is when you just have obsessional thoughts although i'm also a hand washer. Have a look at pure O on the web as it gave me some helpful tips for dealing with ruminating thoughts.

Blessings,
V