Post by jfriend on Aug 5, 2010 17:37:30 GMT -5
Well, after four months - and a VERY hard last few couple of weeks ... I broke my NC. I was going to the store yesterday and I saw her in her car. I actually honked and waved ... and it was clear she saw me. I couldn't even go to the store - I just got a decaf coffee and headed straight home. When I got home, I sent her a text message - something to the effect of, "Nice to see you - it's been a long time!" She texted back, and then we spoke on the phone. She basically let out a lot of anger towards me - I've definitely been on her mind. She's been upset/hurt over the way I treated her during my relapse. As I've shared, I relapsed on pain pills from September to the end of March - and she was practically living with me during September through December. Until I ended it at the beginning of January. So, on the phone, she reminded me of many mean things I said, etc. I sincerely apologized for everything - I took full responsibility. We both admitted that we'd been thinking about each other lately; however, she has a lot of anger towards me. We spoke for about an hour, agreeing that we'll have to speak more about it in the future. Then, this morning, while getting blood drawn for my diabetes test ... I ran into a couple we went to church with last year. They asked about her, and I told her we were no longer together. This prompted me to text her and she texted back, etc. She said there were things which clearly needed to be said and asked me to breakfast tomorrow. I have a friend coming into town tonight (and staying at my place), so I told her I couldn't. But, I told her I missed what we had before I relapsed (which is actually true). She said she "missed some things, too." The final text (and embarrassed to admit this, but I want to be honest), I simply said, "You know we had something special"; whereupon she said, "I know we did, and I wasn't the one who seemed to forget it."
Anyway, those are the details - and for some silly reason, I felt the need to share them with you all. I'm definitely in full addict mode right now - feel like sending another text just to get a "fix", etc. It's funny, last night I thought to myself, "She took NO responsibility at all for any problems in our relationship". And, I was determined not to contact her again; however, this morning ... well, after I ran into those people, I guess that was just an excuse to text her.
I guess I just want (almost NEED) to know she cares about me. And, I think I can hang my hat on that and get on with things. And, I'll admit, part of me would like to get back together ... because I truly DO miss what we had last summer. I'm amazingly lonely, tired of being depressed, and would like to have someone love me. So ... that's about it, folks.
I'm pretty embarrassed, but I also feel the need to come clean with everyone on her. Feedback is welcomed.
j
Anyway, those are the details - and for some silly reason, I felt the need to share them with you all. I'm definitely in full addict mode right now - feel like sending another text just to get a "fix", etc. It's funny, last night I thought to myself, "She took NO responsibility at all for any problems in our relationship". And, I was determined not to contact her again; however, this morning ... well, after I ran into those people, I guess that was just an excuse to text her.
I guess I just want (almost NEED) to know she cares about me. And, I think I can hang my hat on that and get on with things. And, I'll admit, part of me would like to get back together ... because I truly DO miss what we had last summer. I'm amazingly lonely, tired of being depressed, and would like to have someone love me. So ... that's about it, folks.
I'm pretty embarrassed, but I also feel the need to come clean with everyone on her. Feedback is welcomed.
j