How do I KNOW???

[jfriend]

I guess I need some simple reassurance right now. How the heck do I know that contacting my ex isn't the right thing to do? It's been 11 weeks of NC today, and I in some ways, it's worse. I still can't get it out of my head: she's a GOOD person she really is - and I'm the one who dumped her while I was using pills heavily. I was the jerk. I haven't contacted her for 11 weeks; and yet, it's mostly because I'm just afraid she's moved on and found someone else. I'm afraid that my pain would even be worse if that was the case. However, right now, I feel so unbelievably lonely - I just can't believe that I had all these good things in my life this same time last year ... and now my selfishness has ruined everything. I guess I just need some perspective from you people today. I need to know I'm doing the right thing ... because this NC is HARD!!!! Any feedback would be appreciated ...

j

[g]

Don't know if I can help you here jfriend but I'll try to draw some parallels.

I found it incredibly difficult to give my POA up but because of my extreme mood swings I knew it would be better for him if I did distance myself and let him off the hook.

I'd try to get thru withdrawals( I didnt know that that was what I was experiencing cos I've never done drugs in my life and had never had such intense feelings ever before)

I'd maybe take some anti anxiety meds for a few days, then I'd start to feel myself settling down and then WHAM! such intense feelings of loneliness and longing that I couldn't stop myself from getting back in touch.

My Poa ALWAYS accepted to talk to me eventually. Even if he sometimes kept me hanging on for two or three days at most before he answered one of many emails. He would say he was hurt at me cutting all contact and that it was hard for him to deal with my moods but then he'd say that he would never block me or refuse to talk to me.

I would apologise and tell him that I couldnt live without him and that everything was my fault blahblahblah (even if that wasn't strictly true. And we'd get on the rollercoaster again...and again...and again...

But it got to the stage where I was desperate even when we were in touch and in constant contact. 16 mths into the r/S and nothing made me feel whole. It was a real 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation at that stage. I thought I was going to die if I stayed in the R/S but that I couldn't live without him either. But the fear of not having him in my life was overwhelming

That emptiness or loneliness that you're feeling right now is unbearable isn't it? (Primrose just posted a really good piece in the newbies forum on this very topic.)

Well,as I said, I kept going back to my POA time and time again.
But it didnt work because I was sick and I really needed to get out of that R/S if I was ever to get well again. The emptiness, neediness or loneliness aren't going to go away, not even if you get back together with your POA.

What worked for me was looking inside myself and really working the programme. That is what has helped me to fill the void.

It's not about my pOA at all. I've been lonely all day today and I've been thinking about my POA but NOT obsessing. I can see he is NOT the answer.

And 8 months away from him has given me the chance to become the person I was meant to be. When I was involved I was just getting more and more lost in my addiction and not finding any answers at all.

We need time alone to find the person we are meant to be, jfriend, and IMO, breaking NC will only set you back.

Work the steps, let go and let God and then time will tell if you and she are meant to be together.
But you have to give it time. And lots of it.

G

[jfriend]

Thanks, Greta. I'm a teacher, and I knew summer was going to be challenging. I think you NAILED it when you said (and I've said it myself) that this is NOT about my POA. This is about pain I need to experience; and as hard as it is, this NEEDS to happen. Boy, this is the REAL DEAL, isn't it? I mean, this pain is THE stuff - it's the stuff which needs to be looked at, and then surrendered.

I'm working my Fourth Step for my substance abuse right now ... and I'm praying I eventually experience that "peace" that so many claim to have. Anyway, thanks again ... I needed to hear your words!

[quinn]

You know it's not the right thing to do because you can't get her out of your head, because the pain of finding out she has moved on would be unbearable, because you're feeling desperately lonely. These are all the reasons you want to contact her and they are also the reasons you know you should not. The only reason I can think of to contact an ex (and if you're an LA there may never be a good reason) would be if I feel centered and calm and not desperate and not lonely and I would be okay if he had moved on to a happy life without me. In other words, it would be okay if I had, like, 15 years of recovery.

[jfriend]

Good point, Quinn. As long as the constant obsession is there, perhaps that's a sign that I shouldn't contact her. I think the bottom line is that I'm just having a REALLY hard time with the idea that she probably doesn't WANT me any longer. In that sense, it's pure EGO ... just that same old selfish desire to be wanted.

[primrose]

Hi Jfriend, looks like you've worked through this already, good for you. I really agree with G and Quinn that the reason not to contact is precisely because the longing is so intense. That's how a LA can know what they're feeling isn't from the present. Identifying that longing as being historical will help you later on when you do go back into a relationship. If you feel that longing again you'll know it ISN'T about your partner and you'll be able to make healthier choices in a relationship. Not acting out on longing means a person isn't needy and desperate and clingy. It means a person isn't angry all the time because their partner isn't meeting their fantasy need for perfect care. It means a person doesn't have to manipulate to get what they think they should from a partner. All of the self-defeating behaviours that have their roots in unresolved longing, are eased by having gone through a successful withdrawal. So it's really worth it to carry on! It will mean that the next relationship you have when you've worked the programme will be much healthier. Best. P.

[sexlessw]

JF:

Great responses to your post. I like to call the phase you're in "Shrieking In the Silence". I got that from a line in David Bowie's "Ashes to Ashes": "The shrieking of nothing is killing me..."

You're doing something contrary to what you've done before. That is, looking out for yourself and seeing yourself for the first time. It hurts. That's why you are shrieking in the silence - the silence of NC.

11 weeks of NC? That's terrific. I understand that you still feel strongly for her, but in the end, the ONLY PERSON who can help her with her pill addiction is her. Additionally, you are doing HER a favor by not being her crutch. In the end, we stand on our own two feet. But we have to fall down several times to stand.

Primrose is right: THIS IS WORTH YOUR CARRYING ON. It will get better over time. Hang in and post when you feel it clawing at you.

[knowlove]

JF,
I can understand your longing, your urge to want to contact your POA because it has been so long and you wonder if she still wants you. I really cannot add much to everyone else's posts except to tell you that I agree calling could put you in much worse of a funk that you are already in. I think you just need the "hit" of talking to her and being reassured you still matter. Been there! Unfortunately how WE want it to be is not always how it plays out. Whether or not you ended the relationship, right now you need to take care of you and contacting her no matter what her reaction will most likely hinder this.
I too was very selfish wanting my POA for ME because I felt all Ive done my whole life is take care of everyone else. I risked everything, including my marriage and my family. We do need to do things for ourselves and have me time. Just have to find things that are not self destructive.
Hope you find yourself feeling a bit better today.

[jfriend]

Sexless - just to clarify, it is I who had the pill addiction. Everything else you said was right on; however, part of the reason I feel so BAD is because it was my addiction which prompted me to break up with her in January - I chose my addiction over her. In April, I went into rehab (I'm coming up on 3 months sober in a week) ... but by that time, she didn't really want me back - I had already dumped her and ruined her trust. I don't blame her at all, actually ... it's just that I have a lot of guilt. Anyway, the bottom line is that my motives are just to stroke my EGO. It's as if my EGO is dying right now ... which isn't really a bad thing - just painful as hell!

[sexlessw]

JFriend:

MANY MANY MANY apologies! Sorry about that.

If I am out of line, do set me straight. Now. It's my understanding that once a person comes off of a substance that they are a changed person. They are different and are acting in a totally different way than the partner is used to.

It's difficult to rebuild trust after addiction - if you are the injured party. Again, from my knowledge not experience. Therefore, her actions towards you are not surprising to me, sadly.

Yeah, the EGO stroke. We all got big ones crawling out of us - "Stroke me stroke me!" [insert Billy Squire's voice and melody]