Aftermath ...

[iwillsurvive]

Hey jfriend, I was too chicken to send an NC email to my POA. After four months, I drunk dialed him like a teenager making prank calls. My addict is such a mischievous teenager at times. Recently, I sent him an email telling him off. I guess a nice, civil NC email would have been more mature but I didn't do that. Let me know what you decide to do. Pulling for you!

[jfriend]

I know most of you can relate to obsessive thinking ... and right now, I'm experiencing it "big time". In my mind I'm thinking, "There you go - first you contact your ex, text her to the point she's annoyed, and then plan on writing an email saying you CAN'T have contact." Naturally, I think to myself that this is typical of me in relationships - always stirring trouble and drama, getting in the last word, etc. And to top it off, she'll just roll her healthy eyes and say, "My God, that guy TRULY is insane." Another woman just glad to be out of a drama-filled relationship with me.

It's crazy how my thoughts can get so out of control that I don't even trust myself or my motives. I'm so darned self-absorbed ... I just want freedom from all this.

[iwillsurvive]

Hi jfriend - Yes, I can safely say most of us are familiar with obsessive thoughts. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Have you tried giving those thoughts and outcomes to your higher power? You can hold onto the hope that others have recovered from love and relationship addiction and have gone on to have healthy and loving relationships. Working through the issues underlying your LRA will free you. I know it's hard, but try to focus off of your POA and onto your higher power and yourself. That is where the answers are. Your POA has no ability to heal you and she might in fact harm you -- even if by accident. Protect yourself from harmful people until you're strong. You can do this with your higher power's help. I've seen your courage. You can be free to love and be loved. I'm sending you cyber hugs and reassurance. Keep us updated. I'm grateful for your honesty.

[primrose]

There is freedom from it and you're getting there. In withdrawal it can feel like there's no end to the incessant longing and obsessing, but it does get better. It isn't a quick process unfortunately, but going NC and working the steps really works. Withdrawal is agony if you do it properly, so you know you're doing the right thing if your head feels like it will explode. You're doing the right thing. Going NC is very brave of you. Very best luck with it and hugs (((((JFriend))))) P.

[g]

Jfriend,
I sent a NC email. I know that if I express any anger towards my POA or try to place blame on him or accuse him of any wrongdoing he will lash out at me.

So, my final email was deliberately conciliatory. I told him I was dealing with an addiction, that I couldn't be in contact with him and that I wished him, his wife and his family well. I DID put some emotions in but that was because he doesn't do emotions.

I know that by talking about emotions he will distance himself from me. I'm not suggesting you do the same but being aware of what we do to hook or distance our POAs should ultimately help us to write that FINAL email if we feel the need to do so.

It was heartbreaking for me to do that and I admit I had made many attempts to do so before. But the final one really was final last October and he got the message. It kept him at bay for 6 months and then when he did contact again I only needed to reiterate my need for NC.

I'm not over him and this week on holiday proved that to me. But I didn't act out because it is clear for me that there is no point fanning the flame in any way. I can really relate to everything you said to your POA as the lies poured out of my mouth whenever I was in contact with mine. i would say whatever I thought he wanted or needed to hear...and more... and then kick myself for sounding so desperate. I'd try to make things better by 'explaining' and it would turn into an endless litany.

Sometimes I still wish I could talk to him just to put the record straight. My addict is so very different from the 'usual' me and I would so like him to meet the level headed G. But then again, why bother even trying to explain?

I need to remember he's not my HP and that it doesn't matter what he thinks of me. (something I should have remembered this week instead of obsessing about POA night and day and not allowing myself to have a great holiday)

There will be no closure nor resolution with a man that I'm addicted to and only distance, time and NC will help me to maintain some kind of sanity. NC in my head is what I have to work on most now. You too probably.

[jfriend]

Greta - thanks so much for those words - they mean a lot. I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying this past week. My POA is on vacation, and it's already in my head that I'm on "official NC". However, I'm still not so sure about that email. All I know is that I'm crafty and subtle ... my addict can sneak in when I have ANY contact. For example, one of the main reasons I want to write the email is so that I can get my power back. I feel humiliated that I broke NC and then turned into somewhat of a groveling person - trying to manipulate the response I wanted to hear. So ... I feel like an email letting her know that I REALLY don't want to be in touch with her will give me my self respect back. But, there's also a little hope that it will make me more desirable to her ... because she always thought about me more when I backed off. On the other side, though, if I don't send an email I can imagine that a part of me may obsess if she never contacts me ... thinking that I'm just not important to her.

And then, in the middle of all this, an answer comes to me - it really doesn't matter if I do or don't send her an email establishing my NC. This isn't about HER and what she does or doesn't think about me. This is all about me healing and getting better. I know where contact has brought me ... I'm experiencing the ramifications of losing my dignity a few weeks ago. It's some of the most pain I've ever experienced. So, the issue is to TRULY take the focus off her and put it on me. I can have bad motives for sending or not sending an email to her ... and I can also have good motives for doing either.

I know I'm rambling, but I think the point is that I can't let my entire emotions and peace of mind be vulnerable to HER. I have to create that on my own. Again, I'm not sure if I can trust myself to write an appropriate NC email ... so perhaps I simply need to work on working MY program. Just some thoughts I've had recently.

j

[CJ]

Hi JF - One thing you mentioned really hit home. Maybe it is a guy thing, but isn't it the worst feeling after you go groveling back to them (even if it is only in your mind)? I feel a total loss of strength and masculinity when I do that.

[g]

Don't think it's a guy thing at all CJ. I so relate to the grovelling as I did that more times than I care to remember.

Of course my POA always took me back and always assured me he would never slam the door in my face. Not his style he said.

Didn't make me feel less of a groveller tho. Sometimes I didn't even attempt NC because I was so ashamed of myself for never being able to stick it out for more than a week at a time.

Oh the endless humiliation!

[knowlove]

Nope not a guy thing at all! It is humiliating to look back on my neediness and manipulation to hear what i wanted and try to get the response I was looking for. I think many of can relate Jfriend. I agree it really isnt about her but at times, in our minds in addiction mode it IS and that is where we have to be very careful because our addict does make it about them. It sounds like if you email it might be a bit dangerous so nothing might be more safe for you right now. Working on yourself and your needs to heal instead of what your POA is thinking is what to strive for right now. God, we all fall and we all do things we regret. All part of the learning process. At least you see why you would send an email and how your addict works. All part of the revelation of what you need to change within to heal and recover. It may not seem right now like you are doing anything like that but you really are. Taking a hard look at ourselves and our actions and the why behind it is very important. You are learning all about yourself and your needs. Keep looking into this Jfriend. We will be here for you.

[primrose]

Jfriend, am happy for you that you're questioning your motives the way you are. I think for me, that was part of the power of sticking to NC. The more I stuck to it, the clearer my motives became. It seemed to clear out my mind of some of the neediness and let me have some detachment and perspective, where before I just acted on "I NEED". Ultimately, it was true that I had to focus on my recovery and get well and detach from what my POA might think of me, and the drama of a NC message is still part of me acting out. But, saying that, my recovery is a process, and I act out in different ways as I get well. A NC message is a lot less of an act out than an EMA. And my last contact with my POA was very far from how it was for me when I was behaving with no dignity at all. Recovery for me is about getting healthier bit by bit, it doesn't have to be perfect. As long as I'm turning up to meetings and staying on track with my bottom lines to the best of my ability, the rest takes care of itself. The insights come, the desire to be different comes, the self-forgiveness comes. It sounds like that is happening for you now you're keeping to NC, yay! P.

[trout46]

Hi All:

I’m back from my end of the summer trip to Hawaii, and what better way to get back into the swing of things than jumping into a discussion of “the aftermath” dealing with jfriend’s experiences with NC. I’m so glad to see you sharing all of your experiences with the fellowship jfriend.

It didn’t take long after I first discovered the LAA site, and began posting about my story and the intense, relentless, and unbelievably painful obsessive thoughts I had over the POA in my life that I was strongly urged to go NC over the summer. As some of those who had some recovery time explained to me, I had the benefit of the summer to practice what they had termed “hard core NC,” since I would have to return to LC in late August (since the POA and I work in the same department). It was the best advice I have ever been given, especially because I instituted it, and it has helped me incredibly. I’ve become a huge fan of NC!

I really like a lot of what has been said in this thread. I understand your feelings of shame and humiliation jfriend. As you have heard from many others, most of us have been there. I also understand very, very well the exotic nature of the “games” our addict minds are capable of constructing and playing out as we suffer through withdrawals. I have come to really appreciate the intensity of the mental trips we typically impose on ourselves. I witnessed this in myself during my recovery from alcoholism, and I have seen it in action as I pursued LRA recovery.

If you haven’t yet decided jfriend, whether to send an e-mail to your POA, stating your need to go NC, let me just say a couple of things based on my experiences. Prim’s suggestion that any NC communication be limited to 3 lines is even longer than I would have suggested. Something like, “I need to end any and all communication with you, and ask you to respect this request” is long enough to carry the message. It is close to what I told the POA that messed with my life back in early May, and the subsequent period of quiet time between us definitely helped me to focus my attention on myself–which is exactly what I needed. Moreover, I learned that when the lines of communication come to a screeching halt, my addict mind’s opportunity to play the games it is capable of playing were substantially reduced. These are very important conditions for successfully getting through withdrawals, and for effective recovery.

On Monday our fall semester begins, and I have enormous confidence that all will be fine when I see the POA. NC was hugely helpful for me this summer. Because I had the willingness to honestly face my addiction, I feel that I can transition to LC in as good a shape that I could of hoped for. Time will tell. I’ll be sure to let you all know. I feel as though I worked through a ton of very important stuff this summer, and sharing that stuff with all of you, and getting your feedback, insights, suggestions, and honest reactions, was incredibly helpful to me! Thank you!