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Post by jfriend on Aug 10, 2010 17:00:52 GMT -5
I'm now coming down from the relapse of NC; and naturally, it's tough stuff! It's funny, we never realize how good things can be until we come upon even worse times. I was depressed as hell exactly one week ago ... and yet, that seems like "the good ol' days" since I broke my NC. Just for the record, My POA has been on vacation (and will be for 12 more days) - Saturday night was the last I made contact; and essentially, I've reestablished NC. I can't get past beating myself up. At least when I had four months of NC she wondered about me and didn't view me as someone who seemed desperate. Now, that's changed. I lost my dignity, kept texting, made love proclamations that weren't even TRUE, and in the end ... looked like a fool. As I said, she admitted to dating to someone, and I have reason to believe it's an old ex I used to be jealous of. I think the thing that hurts the most is that I wasn't honest - I was telling her things that simply weren't true. I was acting like I was coming from the "strength of our love" as opposed to desperation/addiction. If I would have been honest, the thing I would have said is, "I can't talk with you because I don't trust what I'll say" - that's the most honest I could have been. But instead, I was dishonest, and that kills me.
This is rough; and yet, it could have been worse. I could have gone over to her house and begged her - I didn't. I could have made a scene - I didn't. I could have continued to text her - I haven't. And, regardless of what she thinks of me, I have to surrender that. Perhaps that's a message my HP was giving me - that I HAVE to get the good feeling about me from ME and no one else. During my four months of NC, a lot of the reason I didn't contact is because I didn't want to appear desperate - I know what I'm capable of saying. I think that has to change this time ... I need other reasons for having NC as well. One of them is - right or wrong - this relationship doesn't bring out my honesty. And, I need to be vigilant about honesty in all my relationships.
I do have one question for the board. I feel like I need to email her and let her know that I can't have any contact. If not, she may return from her trip and get in touch with me (although maybe not). I know if I have verbal contact, that I won't be honest - I will tell her things that aren't true simply in hopes of manipulating a response that I want to hear. I don't want to go into details of "I'm a love addict" inasmuch as I'd simply like to tell her that I can't afford to have any contact. Are the any ideas out there? Should I send a short, but direct email? Should I admit to not being honest when I professed my complete love? Should I not send anything?
I'm open to suggestions ... thanks.
j
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Post by iwillsurvive on Aug 10, 2010 18:35:59 GMT -5
Sorry for your new pain that resulted from breaking NC. You do seem to get the picture of what happened and your desire to be honest is a good one. The right woman/partner will accept you for who you are. You won't have to pretend you're into what she is. You can be yourself.
Not sure about whether you should send an email establishing NC. It sounds like a good idea because it is now open season with her but then again silence is a huge message and she will hear it. Do whatever is best for you. It is your job to take care of you. I would make it short and to the point. She doesn't need to know what is going on with you and how you were dishonest with her. She is in another relationship and unavailable. You don't want that, do you? My POA is also with someone so I can relate. I'm fine with it now because after doing this work, I see him for the narc he is and I don't want him. When you've done more work on your LRA issues, you'll get a clearer picture of your ex. Until then, protect yourself.
Being grounded in a HP will help you to resist dishonesty and going back to the POA. I hope you ask your HP for help with this addiction. Power and strength come from surrendering.
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Post by jfriend on Aug 10, 2010 19:28:05 GMT -5
Thanks IWS. Just to let you know, I didn't break my recent NC (which is only three days now) ... but it's been rough. You're absolutely right about being grounded in my HP. Gosh, it's so amazing - whenever I go off on these HUGE obsessive mind trips (which are nearly constant), I'm totally forgetting about my HP. I haven't fully let my HP in on this addiction, and I need to. I used to meditate, but since I've been apart from my ex, I haven't. There's something to this - perhaps it's because I'm afraid to feel the pain (although I've been feeling it all the time, anyway). I'm not sure ... but it's time to let my HP into the picture. Otherwise, it's just not going to work! Thanks again!
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Post by iwillsurvive on Aug 10, 2010 21:13:00 GMT -5
You're welcome jfriend! Glad to help in any way. We all know how difficult it is to fight this addiction. Thanks for clarifying the fact that you didn't break the recent NC. That's good. I totally forget about my HP when I'm focused on a POA too. Have you ever be in touch with your inner child? When my inner child is sad or afraid, I reassure her. It feels weird at first, but it actually works to soothe me and the feelings become less intense. Keep coming here and posting and asking for support. There is a lot of acceptance and grace here. You can be yourself. Thanks for sharing what is going on. I'm praying for you.
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Post by primrose on Aug 11, 2010 1:57:48 GMT -5
Jfriend, well done for sticking to NC. You could do a few things re contact. A short email that you could check out with recovering love addicts might be good, or maybe just keep silent and don't pick up the phone when she calls. I know how incredibly hard that is to do. I found it agonising to see my POAs number and not answer, but it's possible. Or you could change your number if it isn't an important one for you. You're so right about the good feelings about you coming from you. I have to come back to that over and over again as it is easy for me to lose my internal focus. The good thing is it works with bad feelings too it means that as you feel better in yourself you don't hit the terrible lows if other people don't like you or won't validate you. If you can, begin to develop a kind attitude to yourself. Desperation happens because we're desperate. No one would chose to be desperate and feel unbearably weak and needy. If we are that (and I really was in active addiction) then it's where we are and embracing it and coming to terms with it, helps it shift. If I beat myself up about being weak I can never accept myself and begin to change and grow. Beating myself up is part of me staying in active addiction. Just recently I realised "wow, I'm incredibly brave" and I really felt it in myself that I have a lot of courage. I used to think of myself as a very weak person and I never appreciated that I had courage. Addiction opened up my weakness and desperation and I had to accept them and come to terms with them, and by doing that I've been able to finally really see my strength. I always was brave. I am sure you are too. To surrender a drug addiction means you are brave. To go NC means you are brave. These things take incredible humility and courage. Best. P.
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Post by knowlove on Aug 11, 2010 9:24:24 GMT -5
Hi Jfriend, I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time but you will learn from this! HP will make sure you learn something valuable. I think going back to NC is what is best for you and as far as sending her a quick email, there is no harm as long as you believe you can make it a quick to the point email saying why you need to not have contact (although I am not sure how it was left before she went on vacation). I agree with Prim, to have to go NC is very brave and tough! You do not want to be desperate and needy (many of us have those!) so working on your self esteem and giving to YOU is what is needed right now. We do tend to look to others for our needs instead of within. I am trying to work on this myself so know all about it! it isnt easy and it takes lots of hard work, courage and strength from within. You are on your way, once again, to having NC for a length of time. Continue on your path and do things that make you feel good. exercise is wonderful for your mind and body and maybe going back to meditation would work well for you. Thanks for sharing Jfriend and keeping us updated. I hope you continue to get stronger in your NC and grow from this. Sometimes things that seem bad are actually a good lesson that help us grow.
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Post by jfriend on Aug 11, 2010 13:44:41 GMT -5
My friends - here's a draft of a brief email I was going to send. I haven't sent it - I wanted to get your feedback first:
Hi _____. I hope you had a nice vacation. I need to write this to let you know that it isn’t good for my recovery to be in contact with you right now. It was easy for me to observe how distraught I felt after our recent contact - I found myself slipping into manipulative patterns and saying things I didn’t mean. I’m sure you noticed that behavior in me as well, and I’m sorry for any discomfort it caused you. However, I’m glad I got the chance to apologize to you for my behavior during my relapse ... because I truly am sorry. But, I can’t let my guilt over the damage I created drive me to want to rebuild something between us. There were real reasons - aside from the pills - why we didn’t work; and if I’m honest with myself, I can see them. I know you see those reasons, too.
Take care,
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Post by primrose on Aug 11, 2010 15:00:10 GMT -5
Jfriend, my sponsor told me to keep a no contact message to max three lines, and to take out all words to do with emotion. Simple. Non emotive. Clear. Good luck with it. P.
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Post by jfriend on Aug 11, 2010 15:43:26 GMT -5
Thanks so much, Primrose ... that's exactly the kind of feedback I need. Part of me knows there are a few "hooks" in there ... and I'm glad you could tell.
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Post by knowlove on Aug 11, 2010 19:17:10 GMT -5
I would leave all but this part : But, I can’t let my guilt over the damage I created drive me to want to rebuild something between us. There were real reasons - aside from the pills - why we didn’t work; and if I’m honest with myself, I can see them. I know you see those reasons, too.. I think everything you wrote before that is fine! It isnt easy to write without emotions getting in the way but that is why we get to ask our friends here for their advice because they can always see what we cannot in our own situations. Good luck Jfriend. I think once you send the letter you will feel a bit better knowing you have told her you are doing it. Are you doing anything for YOU?
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Post by primrose on Aug 12, 2010 1:07:12 GMT -5
Jfriend, think you're wise to take out anything you know is a hook. It can help to imagine you're getting this email from your POA. Then, if you can read it and see any tiny grain of hope in it, or some small thing to obsess over, take that out too. I cried over my NC text to my POA. It seemed so empty and cruel, but it worked and that was what I needed. I was very very addicted to my POA, without boundaries like walls in my early withdrawal, I wouldn't have been able to get well. Later on I think it's easier to be more emotionally real with people and not get hooked back in or do any hooking ourselves, but early on I think clarity and coolness go a long way. My POA was my drug, and a drug that was also addicted to me, so I had to be very clear about my NC. Best. P.
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Post by jfriend on Aug 12, 2010 1:46:53 GMT -5
I must say, I really appreciate the feedback on this. I guess I'm just going to have to get clear - I know that I'm capable of subtle hooks, and there's a part of me that thinks I should send nothing. Then again, if I do, then there's the "possibility" left in the air. One thing I know: if I do send her the email, she WON'T contact me. I guess I have a little time to think about it.
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Post by primrose on Aug 12, 2010 2:06:41 GMT -5
Sounds like you're working out what's best. I am very good at subtle hooks. Especially when I write, so it's a medium I have to be very honest about. P.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Aug 12, 2010 9:57:26 GMT -5
jfriend - Hope are feeling OK today. Sounds like you have a plan concerning the NC email. Glad you are moving to protect yourself and give yourself the space to address love and relationship addiction. You've worked hard on the prescription RX abuse issues and need to protect yourself as you enter this new phase of recovery. Pulling for you!
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Post by jfriend on Aug 12, 2010 19:14:31 GMT -5
Thanks, IWS. I have to admit, the addict is a bit nervous about sending that NC email. It's saying, "But wait ... now you're going to cut me off from a FIX!!!"
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