Still in PAIN ...

[jfriend]

Hey everyone - it's been a while since I've posted. As I've shared, I'm a teacher, and it's summer time. Although I've been 3 months sober and going to AA meetings every day, I don't feel I'm making a lot of headway in THIS addiction. Quite simply, I can't stop thinking about my ex. Every single second I'm reminded of how lonely I am; and what's more, how I wasn't lonely last summer. I've also shared that my ex and I had a fairly healthy relationship - we went to a spiritual center together (and were becoming quite involved), we went to couple's workshops, counseling, etc. In short, we were dedicated to making things work. Now, sure, there were some things missing ... however, I had about 11 months clean and relapsed on pills last September. I've shared this before, so I'll spare details ... but she lived with me while I used for FOUR months behind her back. She never knew I had relapsed, and I finally chose drugs over her - I ended our relationship saying I didn't want to have kids.

In April, when I went to a treatment center, it was clear that she didn't want to get back together (and who could blame her - now that I was getting clean, I was hoping she'd be there for me). So, since our last phone conversation when I was in rehab, there has been ZERO contact. Unfortunately, it's just got worse. It's been 3 months ... and all I can think of was how I blew it with this nice, caring woman. And what's more, I can't help but think that she's involved with someone and is relieved that I'm out of her life.

I could go on, but that's where I get stuck. I'm lonely as all heck, unmotivated a lot of the time, and realize that it's all my SELFISHNESS and drug addiction that put me here. I'm waiting for the pain to ease, but it just doesn't seem to be lifting. I just can't seem to stop obsessing, and it's clear that all this obsessing just immobilizes me. Perhaps one thing I'm starting to learn is that although I'm not using drugs any longer, I'm still very selfish - this obsessing and beating myself up is STILL the same selfishness that put me here. When I do get out of myself, I find that things get a little better ... but inevitably, I get knocked down by these same self-defeating thoughts ... again and again and again!

Not sure where I'm going with this, and I'm looking forward to the day when I can post some real recovery on here; however, right now I'm going through a LOT of pain. Perhaps I need to be a bit easy on myself - after all, a LOT has happened in these 3 months, and with this new sobriety ... it's probably pretty normal for all this pain to be surfacing. In closing, I guess it's what I do with the pain that matters. I can sit with it and let it destroy me, or I can feel it and DEAL with it.

That's all I have right now ... I'm off to a meeting. It was nice to check in.

[g]

Thanks for checking in jfriend. In early recovery I posted till I was blue in the face or should I say till my fingertips went numb.
It helped me a lot just to put my thoughts down and stop them from going round and round in my head.
I don't have any real experience regarding substance abuse but I 'used' by being in contact with my POA and deadening the pain I was experiencing in my marriage.
The only way I could guarantee my fix was by doing stuff I'm ashamed to talk about on this board. In short I gave him what he wanted and in return I received his attention in one form or another. That got me high so it was the equivalent of I doing drugs.

When I realised the highs were no longer coming and that sooner or later I would have to face the pain that was coming to me, I managed to go NC, went thru withdrawals and the fog started to finally lift.
I was left with a crushing load of guilt and shame I cannot even quantify. My h still doesn't know about my EMA but I have definitly changed. I'm very avoidant with him now but apparently very strong and regaining independence and sttrength. But I know the guilt is what is separating me from full recovery and holding me back from having intimacy with my h. Not the only thing but it is contributing.
How to stop obsessing about your POA and if she's with someone else? I had to let go and let God. No other way. He wasn't mine and I wasn't able to have that r/s on his terms.
Working the steps for your LRA might just help you to make headway, jfriend. Why not throw yourself into that and see if it works for you too.
Saved my life and my sanity. Perhaps it can do the same for you

Keep posting and sharing. We're all here for each other
G

[jfriend]

Thanks for the response, Greta. A lot of times I don't post simply because I don't want to sound repetitive. Anyway, I know this will pass ... and you're right, throwing myself into the Step work really is a good idea.

[quinn]

Jfriend,

Yes, a lot has happened in the last three months for you. Your pain is to be expected. You said you're "looking forward to the day when I can post some real recovery on here" but you're already posting real recovery! Processing all the grief and regret and sorrow is a huge part of what recovery is. Even in the moments you think you aren't sitting with the feelings, if you're not out using to get away from it, then you're making progress.

I agree with Greta about posting like crazy. Putting things down on paper (or screen) takes the thoughts and obsessions out of my head and makes it easier to get through the bad days.

Hope you had a good meeting.

[knowlove]

Hi Jfriend,
I too believe you have recovery because you are here and you understand what you are feeling and going through. That in itself is a big step. Making decisions that are best for you is working your recovery. You are doing those things. WE all have our needs whether selfish or not and it is the addiction that has led us down this road. Right now though, you are hurting and I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Posting to us and working the steps is your best bet. Admitting you are obsessive and powerless and handing it over to your HP is also a positive step (one I am trying to do myself as we speak). None of this is easy and all of us are going through it together. If not for all of you, Id be God knows where. I do not care how repetitive you are or how much you post. We're all here to support each other. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot so do not be too hard on yourself. From where I sit, it looks to me like you've accomplished an awful lot here. I hope these feelings get better for you and are not as painful. Keep posting and let us know how you are.

[jfriend]

Thanks for the responses, everyone - I truly do appreciate them. And, I guess I should acknowledge that there is some recovery going on. Perhaps the pain is proof of that ... because I always ran from it in the past!

[sexlessw]

JFriend:

Long time, no read. I was wondering what happened to you. I'm glad you are back and posting.

All of the stuff is rolling in like a tsunami and overwhelming you. Let the tsunmai roll and I promise you're not going to drown this time. Drugs & alcohol were a crutch for you. They stopped you from feeling yourself. Now that those crutches are gone, you are feeling it. And that is, IMO, why you are experiencing this HUGE emotional discomfort.

Basically, what you wrote above - THERE IS RECOVERY going on.

As for not finding another "caring" woman like your xW - well, there are "caring" women out there. But that's for the future, when you are feeling less tumult in your life.

One day at a time.

Please keep posting - I'm reading, and judging by everybody else's responses, so are they. Let's get a big GROUP wave going for JFriend.

[trout46]

Jfriend:

So good to see you posting! You and I have communicated a lot in the past. We have somewhat similar stories, and we have experienced similar reactions--relentless obsessions, pain, grief...the whole nine yards!

I'm sorry that you are still feeling the full force of our addiction. This is, as you know so well, the nastiest addiction on earth! Others (Greta, Quinn, Knowlove. and Sexless) have offered great support, and I just want to add my strongest possible power vibes to what has already been said.

Greta touched on something I want to second. After weeks of hard core N/C (like you), and endless pain, obsession, and grief that seemed to have no end, I threw myself at the feet of my HP (God) and prayed for help and interventioned (that I didn't feel I deserved, but desperately needed). I felt so completely lost and hopeless that it wasn't hard to earnestly turn my entire life and will over to His care. To my amazement, my prayers were answered, and in a relatively short time I felt a lifting of the intensity of my pain and an improvement in my obsessions (i.e., I could actually think about something else for a few minutes at a time!). Given that experience, I can't say enough about giving it to your HP. This addiction is just too great a monster for us to manage on our own, even with the support of the wonderful people that have migrated to our new site. Give it to God. My experience is enough "proof" for me to tell you that I am certain He will hear your prayers and help you.

I want to make sure you don't think I have recovered, and now spend my days laughing the time away. Far from it! It's just more manageable. But, that is a lot! I can function better, and my hope for a sane future is higher than it has been in at least six months.

Stay in touch. Keep posting. I, for one, have missed you.