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Post by g on Jul 23, 2010 3:41:07 GMT -5
Thinking of changing my name to Adrenalinica. I don't know if there is an equivalent in English. It's an adjective not a name and it's used to describe people who are driven by adrenaline in everything they do.
I have said before that I need to keep my adren levels stable. Too high or too low and I am quick to lose my temper, act like a looney or act out as I did with my POA.
I can't handle alcohol, don't gamble, never done drugs in my life because I know what getting high does to me and what happens when the inevitable low sets in.
As an LRA, I get high on friendship too. I'm the life and soul of the party usually and always the first to get up on the dancefloor cos I can't stop my feet from moving when the music starts pumping.
But then again, it takes next to nothing for me to crash. Feeling confused and a bit battered today. Have been turning the other cheek to someone I'm feeling harrassed by but I'm trying to hold it together. I need to talk and have nobody I can talk to or share these feelings with this morning.
I've got things to shout out at the top of my voice and bottling things up like this have made me ill in the past. I need something to calm me down and I don't know what. Meds are not the answer.
Deep breath. And again. Letting go. Letting God.
Will be alright soon I hope.
G
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Post by quinn on Jul 23, 2010 9:56:22 GMT -5
Boy do I know that feeling. I'm not the life of the party, but I can become Adrenalinica very easily when I get started on a big project of some kind. Nothing can stop me, I'm full of enthusiasm and energy, life is fabulous, I'M fabulous... and then when the project is over it's a huge crash. Just another process addiction. I have to keep my focus on HP, make no other person and no other activity my HP in order to stay stable and avoid the highs and lows.
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Post by knowlove on Jul 23, 2010 12:03:50 GMT -5
Me too because once the low hits, no matter what the situation, it's really low. I am hyperactive to begin with so that really doesn't help.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 23, 2010 20:14:52 GMT -5
Interesting topic greta. Or should I say Adrenalinica. I think the English equivalent might be adrenaline junkie. I read somewhere that children who come from dysfunctional families seek adrenaline rushes because it is what they are familiar with.
I have definitely sought adrenaline rushes and particularly liked covering disasters such as floods, wildfires, or even intense political campaigns when I worked as a reporter. The deadline pressure and the excitement of breaking news energized me. I didn't want people to be hurt or die, but I certainly liked covering these kinds of events.
My challenge now is to not use POA-related behavior to get that rush.
Running high on adrenaline can hurt your health, as you probably already know. It takes a toll on our bodies. That is another motivator for me to learn to live without those highs.
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Post by g on Jul 28, 2010 6:52:52 GMT -5
Yesterday I was feeling okay but a bit cut off. Constant stream of emails and posts over past few days and there was a fair amount of drama.
I realise I am a drama junkie so yesterday's calm made me feel a bit ill at ease.
Woke up this morning feeling edgy again and was hyperactive for over an hour cleaning and tidying. (Family keeps out of my way when I'm like this)
I had been told electricity would be off for several hours from 9am so I sat down at 8.40 and got on my laptop. Board was very quiet so I started looking at stuff regarding our summer hols. Found a good deal for a day trip while we're in Ireland and used my credit card. It was refused. AGAIN. I quickly type in all the family's detaild ,cc details for another card just to test the system and the payment went thru.
Very rushed, very anxious as I did it. And of course I booked the wrong date. The tour would be three days after we got back home.
Almost two hundred pounds and I panicked like crazy. Spent all morning trying to rectify but no reply from company
As a result my adrenlevels rocketed.
Went to bar where I work and remembered after 5 mins that I hadn't picked up change (90 euros! Sh!t)
). Made a phone call in front of my colleagues while technician was working on updates for my laptop. Called my dentists and asked for a facial instead of what I meant to ask for. Went to post office to pay a fine but clerk had to ask me to hand over the big money cos I had only given him small change.
Not a good day so far. Need to realllllllly slow down now and try to pull myself together. Definitely got to keep away from money today.
At least tour operator has revised my tour date at no extra charge. Sorry for blogging but can't share this with anyone in my family cos I'll get the usual 'when are you going to start taking something for your nerves?...
Please no more drama today. Think I need a nap and definitely no more coffee today.
When I'm in panic mode it reminds me of the chaos in my life during my EMA (POA never admitted it was an EMA. Just a long internet friendship with one night in real world. Nothing more). I KNOW I am total idiot when I'm in addict. Write fast, talk fast , never shut up and all the time a voice in my head screaming at me to calm down and shut up). Taking my addict somewhere quiet before she screws up again today.
G
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2010 8:46:47 GMT -5
Its okay hon, you are allowed to love yourself exactly as you are and it sounds like your inner child is crying out for some attention around money.
I was talking to my old sponsor at a mtg last night about money and how i stole from my dad from about 8 years old copying my older brother to make him think i was cool and from the moment my dad found out what i did he treated me like a criminal and i felt like one.
Yesterday he gave me some money to post some imp documents for a client and said 'make sure i get the change' which usually would have crushed me but i recently made amends to him for all of my wrong behaviour and i have accepted who i am more and don't judge myself as harshly (with Gods help) so i could let it go instead of feeling like he was mistrusting of me.
Perhaps you had some issues around money with your dad/partners and its coming out in your irratic behaviour because you need to accept yourself more??
Love and hugs to you x
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Post by g on Jul 28, 2010 9:20:45 GMT -5
Vee, my h treats me like a child around money. I take responsibility for all the credit card stuff but most of the money is his in our joint account. I've asked him to separate our accounts and to give me a monthly contribution for household and our girls.
He doesn't like that at all but constantly checks up on me.
The damned credit card that keeps getting blocked is one he can't check up on every transaction on. He knows how much is available and that it is for holidays and I'm not 'stealing' from it. Except I do use it for recovery books and making donations to te board ( at least I've tried). My guilt follows me everywhere and I panic like hell when something could be found out.
He got fined a few days ago cos his parking permit had expired. He'd forgotten to renew it but managed to pin the blame on me as we had been together when he had renewed mine. He never accepts the blame for anything unfortunately but loses it whenever the girls and I make a mistake. I've tried to reason with him about this stuff but he's so set in is ways.
He called his shrink last night cos he wants to up his meds rather than pursue natural therapy my friend had started.
All I can do is let go. But I distance myself all the more emotionally.
One positive thing today. I didn't 'confess' my mistake to him or blurt out what had happened. I just sorted it out myself. I usually sort things out anyway but not wothout a lot of scolding from 'daddy'. My real dad doesn't give a damn about money. Mother is the one who made me fearful of money as a child.
G
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Post by primrose on Jul 29, 2010 10:49:04 GMT -5
Great thread G, wow your day sounds intense! I know just what you mean about calming down. I'm having a lovely calm day today, after 2 weeks of really full on work, it is bliss to relax. I get high on doing very easily and it's hard to stay balanced, especially doing something that I love. Hope your day is much easier today
Just out of curiosity, what do people mean when they say "take something for your nerves"? I've never understood that. Makes me think of ladies fainting and being given smelling salts. It sounds so Victorian. P.
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Post by g on Jul 29, 2010 13:12:59 GMT -5
'take somrthing for your nerves'?
Just a translation from the other language I speak. When you're 'nervosa' or 'nervous' it really means you're anxious. So when I'm hyperactive or irritable my family say I should go get my head examined and take some meds to calm down.
Need some of those now and I'm not kidding
G
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