Shifted PoAs

[recovery1st]

Oh my. I didn't see this coming...until it hit me.

I seemed to have switched gears...into reverse.

Tonight I have been calling my (ex)H over & over. It started with calling to ask if he fed the dogs & letting him know about the leaky sink. When he didn't answer I put all this thought & energy into why he wasn't calling. Totally got out of today, now & my progress.

He will not answer my calls now. He is very much in love with this girl he met 3 months ago & is in a hotel with her. We have been seperated for quite some time so I'm not sure why I went off the deep end tonight.

Guessing him not answering my call showed me how on my own I am. He never was avaiable & it has been knawing at me how available he is for this girl. He's not even the same person with her & it gripes me to no end.

I'm not in a good space. We have been fine, until tonight...what did I do?! What can I do? What am I doing?

Anyone?

[primrose]

It's agony to know that an avoidant has switched into love addiction WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOT YOU. Very big hug for your feelings. It will be a huge blow to your ego I imagine. But you can deal with this. Just stop calling, forgive yourself for behaving like that and come back to yourself. You need comforting right now, it hurts to be rejected, but contacting the person who has rejected you won't make it better. You need to comfort yourself. Write here, let your feelings of rejection out in a healthy way, and you'll get through it. Big hug. P.

[recovery1st]

Thanks. I has been a rough night. I called some more, text, fell asleep, came back to the board. I could have done all this with my qualifier.

I was not expecting to feel this way after knowing for so long it is over. It is agony to know he could be like this with someone else. Today they are going on her company picnic..I would be told, no or bring the kids.

Back to business. It's hard but you are right. Thanks for reminding me...LA kills my memory when it comes to sense. This was the biggest fall I've had in a long time. My (ex)H even told me he has not heard me act like this since 20 years ago. That's cuz I didn't with him...cuz he always showed up after work so I didn't had to go without him. This bug was always lurking though. It was just getting fed.

I'm not sure how this will change things but I would think I broke some pretty serious boundaries. Ugh, If I could play the LA card & just move on I would...key word...move on...both of us...hmmm, maybe I can...it is the truth afterall.

Ugh. Can't sleep. From the shame, the wanting to make it ok. They not knowing what the heck happened, it was almost instant.

But hey...I didn't call my qualifier...woo hoo....

[knowlove]

Recovery,
I know it is SO HARD to not give in isn't it? When the thoughts to do so are so overbearing and strong. I feel your pain, I do. All I can do is tell you to try and find something to keep yourself busy. That is what I am trying to do. I am not feeling I need to contact but since he has pinged me continuously and now he is doing his running away it feeds my insecurity and my fear. This what is driving your feelings most likely. Fear and hurt. You cannot change what you did last night but you can move on today and start a new day. Get yourself out and do not take your phone! Stay away as much as possible from anything that will be a conduit to your ex.
Good for you not calling your Q!! Always something positive!

[quinn]

Hi Recovery,
You said, "He never was avaiable & it has been knawing at me how available he is for this girl. He's not even the same person with her." That's how it feels when the avoidant has moved on to someone else, but the truth is (unless he has spent some serious time in recovery) he IS the same person with her. It's just that he's in the charming, seductive phase at the moment but that doesn't mean he is going to stay there. If he was never available for you he's going to end up being never available for her eventually too.

Still though, the best thing to do at this point is to not focus your energy on him and what he's doing or not doing with her. I don't know where you are with HP, but that is the thing that always returns me to sanity. I sit and pray for help. It's pretty much just "Please help me, please help me, please help me." Because I'm in too much pain to think of anything more specific than that. But it still works.

[trout46]

Welcome Recovery:

I don't think I have any greater insights or wisdom to add to what has already been stated by the others. I completely understand your pain. My ex-W is my POA, and I have been relentlessly obsessing about her since we broke up a few months ago after a failed attempt at reconciliation.

One of the most important tools I have learned from others at this and other sites is the power of NO CONTACT. I came to N/C the hard way, having learned, over and over again, that any kind of contact with my POA had devastating emotional, psychological, and even physical consequences. (Anxiety attacks, deep despair, literally constant obsessions...and more.)

If you had been successful in reaching your POA, and if you are anything like me, you would probably pay a terrible price for it. You are much better off staying away, occupying yourself in whatever activities you can in an effort to purge the obsessive thoughts out of your mind.

I also share and understand very well the pain of rejection and having your ex with another person. I know I am going to literally have to see this myself--see her with her new love--and I dread it.

Situations like ours create an ocean of pain for us. But I do believe in LA recovery. I believe in the power of N/C, in the benefit of the fellowship of others who are working through their pain, and I believe in turning this enormous problem, as well as my life, over to the care of my HP. For some, the HP doesn't come easily. It is worth pursuing, however. Even if your efforts at first are meager, they will be heard.

I have experienced the power, Grace, salvation, and love of my HP in other recovery contexts. I was a totally out of control alcoholic who could not quit drinking, no matter how hard I tried. When I turned to my HP and AA, I found that recovery (sobriety and more) were possible. The same applies here.

I wish you well. Keep posting.

[recovery1st]

Thank You for your posts. It helps.