Post by Bluejay on Jun 12, 2010 12:49:39 GMT -5
My story is about power of No Contact and how it can help break an addition. I wrote this a couple months ago when I had more than a year of NC with a POA that had controlled my life and driven me to misery and despair. It was originally posted on another Love Addiction board, but I wanted to post it on this board too. (If this isn't the right spot for it, I'm happy to move it to another location.)
Introduction:
I've had 13 months of hardcore NC with my POA and it's helped me to reclaim my life and find peace once again. Here's my story from the beginning.....
Background:
Before NC, I had known my POA for 18 months and been addicted to her for most of that time. We live in the same neighborhood and our children attend the same school. We have many of the same friends. What I desired wasn't a traditional romantic relationship, but an intense, emotional connection with her that is stronger than I ever wanted with anyone else. Just as powerful as a crush or infatuation or a romantic attraction. I wanted us to be soul-mate best friends who shared everything. I craved her acceptance and approval. I thought she was so confident, balanced, level-headed, strong, attractive. I put her on a pedestal. I thought she was perfect.
Our Friendship:
We had an immediate connection after meeting and became close friends very quickly. We spent hours together every week and had lots of deep, intimate conversations. But she kept me "on the side" and out of her normal, regular life. It was like we were having a friendship affair and I was the "other woman", hidden away. As I craved acceptance, this felt like rejection, and I think my addiction first grew out of this weird dynamic. She was warm and friendly one moment, cold and distant the next (selective withholder tendencies, for sure). The real problem for me was that she already had a best friend who she called her "second spouse". My POA said hanging out with me was like cheating on her best friend and that's why I was on the outskirts of her life. For example, if she had a party, I would not be invited because the best friend didn't want me there. The best friend and I hated each other, each viewing the other as a threat. A truly toxic triangle!
The Addition:
I lived to be with my POA. I ignored everything else in my life, including my beloved kids, my dear husband, household chores, etc. I had no interest in anything beyond spending time with my POA or fantasizing about her. I checked email hundreds of times a day, waiting for her contact (never mind that we saw each other all the time) or reading and rereading our correspondence. I had endless conversations with her in my mind and I was always scheming to spend more time with her. I would arrange my schedule every day to maximize the opportunities to cross paths with her. I even strongly encouraged our kids to be best friends (and they were!) so the ties between our families would increase. I lived and breathed my POA. Nothing else matters and happiness could only be found with her.
Coming Undone:
I was starting to unravel and breakdown after about a year of knowing my POA and being intensely involved in her life. The highs were amazing, but they were followed by despair and depression. The cycles were draining and my life was spinning out of control. I was going crazy with jealousy over anyone who spend time with her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't stop trying to get her to need me, want me in her life. I was desperate, clingy, insecure, demanding, pushy and this behavior made my POA back away even more. When she pulled back, I pushed harder to get into her life and hang out with her. I tried talk therapy and hypnotherapy as a means to understand and let go. Nothing was working. I was realizing how sick I was.
Mini-breaks, Near the End:
About the time that I started cracking, my POA started pulling away. We had a couple breaks where she'd demand space (she was also going thru a family crisis at this time and was wanting to hide from the world). I'd lay on my couch crying, desperate, thinking my life was over if she wasn't in it. I practically begged her to let me back in. I promised to change, to dial back my neediness, even though I didn't see how I could. She tried to set boundaries, but I always pushed open those closed doors. I couldn't help myself. But the pain was flooding in all the time. I started to think there must be another solution.
The End:
After the mini-breaks, things were fine for a few weeks and I thought I might finally be getting what I wanted/needed. Then my POA started saying and doing hurtful things again, actions and words that made me feel rejected and unwelcome. I started to realize that my friendship with her was coming apart and could not be repaired. She was putting distance between us, wanting to downgrade our friendship from close to casual. It hurt a lot, wounding my inner child, but the mini-breaks from before had started to prepare me for the end. Still, I felt so drawn to her, my perfect fantasy best friend! I couldn't back off and she couldn't let me in. It was an impasse. We had one final "break-up" conversation about how we wanted different things. All at once, I knew that I had to walk away. For good. I was NEVER going to get what I wanted. I was only making myself (and her) miserable by continuing to try. Hope and wishful thinking were banished and I knew, suddenly, what I had to do to move ahead with my life: No Contact! My POA was officially a lost cause.
The First Six Months:
The few first months of NC were HARD!! I would see her around daily with her best friend or other new friends. Seeing her sparked a huge emotional reaction - heart racing, adrenaline pumping - out of excitement, fear and anxiety. I was still VERY jealous of the friends she had in her life, especially her best friend who had the emotional connection to my POA that I wanted. I was engaging in fantasies. I had several weak moments and broke down crying lots of times. I almost caved. My POA would occasionally say hello to me in the early months (she didn't want things to end as they did and still sought a casual connection), but I would never reply or make eye contact. I acted as if she was invisible and reminded myself that she is like a drug to me and I would get addicted if I re-engaged. My mantra was NC = No New Hurt. In spite of all that, I still wondered every day if she's email me or ping me. Part of me really wanted her to come back to me.
The Next Six Months:
It took me a while to get there, but I finally deleted the hundreds of emails and blocked my POA so as to remove any chance that she might contact me where I was most vulnerable. I still thought about my POA every day, but slowly, a calmness and serenity took hold. I was no longer sad, depressed, desperate. When I saw my POA, there was a small ache, but it did not have the power to trigger me anymore. I managed my addiction through starving it. I felt if I let me back in, I would get hooked again. I didn't dwell on her like before and because I had no new information about her, there was less to obsess over! I pushed her from the front of my mind to the back. I let go of the memories and the fantasies. I finally got that she wasn't a perfect person and she didn't have the perfect life (in fact, far from it). Seeing her as a mortal helped. I re-engaged with my family and worked hard to enjoy the new and old friends.
What Helped:
I can't stress enough about the power of NC. It is an amazing tool. I treat my POA and her best friends as if I never met them and don't know them. I look past them or thru them when we are in the same area. We've even attended the same parties and functions and I successfully avoid them. I don't e-stalk. I don't ask questions of mutual friends. I have stayed away from all news of them. Now I have time for other things in my life. I have rebuilt other friendships and brought new people in. These are healthy, normal relationships. I re-engaged with my family. I'm working part-time, exercising regularly, playing music, volunteering more, staying busy and having fun. I also read every book out there on love addiction, breaking your obsession to a person, how to create and maintain healthy connections, etc. I come to this board often for strength and inspiration and to provide some of the same for others beginning the process. It also helped to have a supportive, patient, loving husband who stayed with me during this whole time; he's welcomed me back after my emotional wanderings. And time... time is a healer.
The Future:
I've made a lot of progress, but I'm not better yet. I continue to work on recovery and I do optimistically think that there will come a time when she will mean nothing to me. However, I don't think I'll be able to put her fully behind me until one of us moves away. Being in the same vicinity as her still keeps me connected on a small level. I still have a habit of looking around for her and noting her presence. I think I need total physical separation from her to make the final step. Until then, I make a conscious decision every day to maintain NC as it is diminishing my addiction. I put my time and energy into myself, my family and the healthy, wonderful friendships that I have in my life.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me in recovery. I take strength from you! And thank you for the power of NC. It can work for you too! Stay focused and good luck to everyone!
Introduction:
I've had 13 months of hardcore NC with my POA and it's helped me to reclaim my life and find peace once again. Here's my story from the beginning.....
Background:
Before NC, I had known my POA for 18 months and been addicted to her for most of that time. We live in the same neighborhood and our children attend the same school. We have many of the same friends. What I desired wasn't a traditional romantic relationship, but an intense, emotional connection with her that is stronger than I ever wanted with anyone else. Just as powerful as a crush or infatuation or a romantic attraction. I wanted us to be soul-mate best friends who shared everything. I craved her acceptance and approval. I thought she was so confident, balanced, level-headed, strong, attractive. I put her on a pedestal. I thought she was perfect.
Our Friendship:
We had an immediate connection after meeting and became close friends very quickly. We spent hours together every week and had lots of deep, intimate conversations. But she kept me "on the side" and out of her normal, regular life. It was like we were having a friendship affair and I was the "other woman", hidden away. As I craved acceptance, this felt like rejection, and I think my addiction first grew out of this weird dynamic. She was warm and friendly one moment, cold and distant the next (selective withholder tendencies, for sure). The real problem for me was that she already had a best friend who she called her "second spouse". My POA said hanging out with me was like cheating on her best friend and that's why I was on the outskirts of her life. For example, if she had a party, I would not be invited because the best friend didn't want me there. The best friend and I hated each other, each viewing the other as a threat. A truly toxic triangle!
The Addition:
I lived to be with my POA. I ignored everything else in my life, including my beloved kids, my dear husband, household chores, etc. I had no interest in anything beyond spending time with my POA or fantasizing about her. I checked email hundreds of times a day, waiting for her contact (never mind that we saw each other all the time) or reading and rereading our correspondence. I had endless conversations with her in my mind and I was always scheming to spend more time with her. I would arrange my schedule every day to maximize the opportunities to cross paths with her. I even strongly encouraged our kids to be best friends (and they were!) so the ties between our families would increase. I lived and breathed my POA. Nothing else matters and happiness could only be found with her.
Coming Undone:
I was starting to unravel and breakdown after about a year of knowing my POA and being intensely involved in her life. The highs were amazing, but they were followed by despair and depression. The cycles were draining and my life was spinning out of control. I was going crazy with jealousy over anyone who spend time with her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't stop trying to get her to need me, want me in her life. I was desperate, clingy, insecure, demanding, pushy and this behavior made my POA back away even more. When she pulled back, I pushed harder to get into her life and hang out with her. I tried talk therapy and hypnotherapy as a means to understand and let go. Nothing was working. I was realizing how sick I was.
Mini-breaks, Near the End:
About the time that I started cracking, my POA started pulling away. We had a couple breaks where she'd demand space (she was also going thru a family crisis at this time and was wanting to hide from the world). I'd lay on my couch crying, desperate, thinking my life was over if she wasn't in it. I practically begged her to let me back in. I promised to change, to dial back my neediness, even though I didn't see how I could. She tried to set boundaries, but I always pushed open those closed doors. I couldn't help myself. But the pain was flooding in all the time. I started to think there must be another solution.
The End:
After the mini-breaks, things were fine for a few weeks and I thought I might finally be getting what I wanted/needed. Then my POA started saying and doing hurtful things again, actions and words that made me feel rejected and unwelcome. I started to realize that my friendship with her was coming apart and could not be repaired. She was putting distance between us, wanting to downgrade our friendship from close to casual. It hurt a lot, wounding my inner child, but the mini-breaks from before had started to prepare me for the end. Still, I felt so drawn to her, my perfect fantasy best friend! I couldn't back off and she couldn't let me in. It was an impasse. We had one final "break-up" conversation about how we wanted different things. All at once, I knew that I had to walk away. For good. I was NEVER going to get what I wanted. I was only making myself (and her) miserable by continuing to try. Hope and wishful thinking were banished and I knew, suddenly, what I had to do to move ahead with my life: No Contact! My POA was officially a lost cause.
The First Six Months:
The few first months of NC were HARD!! I would see her around daily with her best friend or other new friends. Seeing her sparked a huge emotional reaction - heart racing, adrenaline pumping - out of excitement, fear and anxiety. I was still VERY jealous of the friends she had in her life, especially her best friend who had the emotional connection to my POA that I wanted. I was engaging in fantasies. I had several weak moments and broke down crying lots of times. I almost caved. My POA would occasionally say hello to me in the early months (she didn't want things to end as they did and still sought a casual connection), but I would never reply or make eye contact. I acted as if she was invisible and reminded myself that she is like a drug to me and I would get addicted if I re-engaged. My mantra was NC = No New Hurt. In spite of all that, I still wondered every day if she's email me or ping me. Part of me really wanted her to come back to me.
The Next Six Months:
It took me a while to get there, but I finally deleted the hundreds of emails and blocked my POA so as to remove any chance that she might contact me where I was most vulnerable. I still thought about my POA every day, but slowly, a calmness and serenity took hold. I was no longer sad, depressed, desperate. When I saw my POA, there was a small ache, but it did not have the power to trigger me anymore. I managed my addiction through starving it. I felt if I let me back in, I would get hooked again. I didn't dwell on her like before and because I had no new information about her, there was less to obsess over! I pushed her from the front of my mind to the back. I let go of the memories and the fantasies. I finally got that she wasn't a perfect person and she didn't have the perfect life (in fact, far from it). Seeing her as a mortal helped. I re-engaged with my family and worked hard to enjoy the new and old friends.
What Helped:
I can't stress enough about the power of NC. It is an amazing tool. I treat my POA and her best friends as if I never met them and don't know them. I look past them or thru them when we are in the same area. We've even attended the same parties and functions and I successfully avoid them. I don't e-stalk. I don't ask questions of mutual friends. I have stayed away from all news of them. Now I have time for other things in my life. I have rebuilt other friendships and brought new people in. These are healthy, normal relationships. I re-engaged with my family. I'm working part-time, exercising regularly, playing music, volunteering more, staying busy and having fun. I also read every book out there on love addiction, breaking your obsession to a person, how to create and maintain healthy connections, etc. I come to this board often for strength and inspiration and to provide some of the same for others beginning the process. It also helped to have a supportive, patient, loving husband who stayed with me during this whole time; he's welcomed me back after my emotional wanderings. And time... time is a healer.
The Future:
I've made a lot of progress, but I'm not better yet. I continue to work on recovery and I do optimistically think that there will come a time when she will mean nothing to me. However, I don't think I'll be able to put her fully behind me until one of us moves away. Being in the same vicinity as her still keeps me connected on a small level. I still have a habit of looking around for her and noting her presence. I think I need total physical separation from her to make the final step. Until then, I make a conscious decision every day to maintain NC as it is diminishing my addiction. I put my time and energy into myself, my family and the healthy, wonderful friendships that I have in my life.
Thank you to everyone that has helped me in recovery. I take strength from you! And thank you for the power of NC. It can work for you too! Stay focused and good luck to everyone!
