Frozen Feelings

[iwillsurvive]

Five days ago I called my POA while under the influence of alcohol and I realized yesterday that it was feelings of hurt and anger that were frozen in me that came out in my drunk dialing. I really didn't say much but instead acted like a teenage girl making a prank call. I enjoyed hearing him squirm. I have since apologized and restored NC with my POA.

What this slip has brought to my attention is how I have a hard time expressing my hurt by crying or releasing my anger. I feel the tears just below the surface but cannot cry. I try to split off my anger because its not nice.

Do any you have suggestions about how to bring my feelings to the surface so I can process them in a healthy way. I don't like to cry or deal with anger but I know the way out is through.

[trout46]

IWill: I've had at least two therapists strongly encourage me to journal, which I have done faithfully for periods of time. One of the therapists suggested that I use journaling to do grief work regarding the breakup with my ex that sent me into intense obsessions and LA behavior patterns. His suggestion was to put aside an hour a day for grief/journaling work.

My experience has been that journaling is an excellent activity for a number of important reasons. It helps me to organize my thinking--whether I'm deep in despair, angry, obsessing, or whatever. It also provides the opportunity to go back over what was written months ago and witness the progression of our recovery. More on point with your question, I have found that in the act of journaling, I am more likely to feel the intensity of my emotions, and to identify exactly which emotions are most salient at any given time. My thoughts and feelings are much more intense during my journaling sessions than they are when I simply (endlessly) think about them. My mind wanders all over the place. Journaling helps to focus the mind and emotions. And sometimes, the feelings I work to in my jounraling become so overwhelming that I cry, scream, and find other ways of expression that I have come to understand as my mind and body's need to "get it out."

Might be worth a try.

[primrose]

I think writing is a great tool of recovery, like Trout I find it such a help. Often with frozen feelings I need to get physical because the feelings are locked in my body, finding where they are shoved and breathing into that place helps me release emotion. Also dancing a feeling out of my body helps. I do a lot of energy work on my body, cord cutting and clearing out my body of pain. I find not thinking but just going with what feels right helps a lot. I use my work too. I'm an artist and physical work gets out my rage and unlocks me. Anything to do with movement helps really. I had the stuck in the throat thing for years. I just couldn't say what I felt at all, it was horrible that blocked feeling. Primal Therapy worked really well on stuck feelings. I bashed cushions, threw myself around on mattrasses, yelled, swore, sang, wailed, sobbed, dressed blow up dolls like my mother and threw them round the room, stabbed versions of my father to death, shot versions of my mother a few times aaaah what a release that all was! And sexual therapy was a big help too. So much of what was frozen inside of me was my traumatic birth and my frozen sexuality. I couldn't speak about any of that. Working on my sexual anorexia was very freeing. there's the book by that name that could help you with that if you are blocked because of sexual anorexia. I do love body work myself, I've really needed it because I repressed so many of my feelings. P.

[iwillsurvive]

Thanks for your idea about journaling trout. That makes sense. The thing that has kept me from journaling is my fear that someone will snoop and read my most private thoughts. Kind of like what happened to you with your ex. Still I know it would help. I have screamed in my car before. Hoping not to disturb anyone. Prim thanks for all your suggestions. You have done some interesting things. With anger I need to exercise to release the energy. I also think art therapy would help since I love design and color and texture etc.

Good news. I cried in counseling today and it was such a sob session that my mascara ran all over my face. I feel better after grieving for old pain that has been triggered by my LRA.

[primrose]

Sob session sounds great! Glad you're opening up to the feelings. P.

[angel]

I did something that worked very well, in fact so well that I need to use it with caution.

Before I sleep at night I ask my HP to help reveal to me whatever it is that I need to know in order to recover and be close to him/her. What happens next is that by sleeping I hand it over. In the morning I may or may not immediately remember some dream that I have had but even if I don't the flashbacks come to me during the day. This then releases locked thoughts, memories etc and then the feelings start to flow.

I did this in the beginning of the year just before I was blocked from the LAA forum. I asked my HP WHY I was addicted to my Q and the answers that came to me that week were astounding. I started to remember something that happened when I was 3-4 years of age. An incident of incest with an uncle who I later realised was the spitting image of my Q.

This happened over a week. Each night I would ask for clarity and guidance and also added help for dealing with my feelings. The tears started to flow and all these blocked feelings rose to the surface.

Now I am still doing the same thing but it is obvious that I have a lot of anger as well as sadness towards men. Fear as well. These all come to the surface.

Our HP will help if we ask and he/she will send the support we need. I found mine in other people who turned up.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Angel

[iwillsurvive]

Not sure how this happened, but there are two threads and some repeat messages under "Frozen Feelings." I guess my feelings split off again. Haha. Thanks angel for the idea about handing things over to your HP and then dreaming about them. I'll try it. Your revelation about your uncle's link to your POA is amazing. Tough to deal with, but better to have it on the surface rather than buried somewhere and showing up at the worst times. You're right. My HP, God, has always answered my prayers. Maybe not the way I wanted or in my timing.

[g]

I renamed the other thread 'Frozen Feelings 2'.


Couldn't work out how to tidy up without copying and pasting all the posts in my name.
G