Post by g on Sept 16, 2010 3:56:14 GMT -5
I realised again in the early hours of this morning just how fragile I was when my husband got sick.
I broke down and lost it as soon as he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I would cry whenever I was alone but also in public at times. I would wait till he was asleep and then cry my eyes out trying to stifle the uncontrollable sobbing that took over my whole body and I'd awake every morning with that lump still in my throat.
A few days after diagnosis, my h had to ask me to be strong for him as he said he would not be able to get through the operation as he was so terrified and he really needed me to be strong for him and the girls. So I pulled myself together and put on this wonderful act of being in control and determined to do everything just right. I poured all my energies into researching his condition and finding a reputable surgeon. Obsessively...
After my h's successful operation we were all elated even tho he had some neurological deficits but fortunately he made a very speedy recovery. It was such a pleasant shock to our systems as we had been preparing ourselves for the worst and we didn't talk about what had happened or attempt to face the emotions we were burying.
Inevitably, depression set in for him when the initial euphoris wore off and he started to distance himself from me. He was so avoidant and just closed himself off from the fear and eveything else around him. What hurt more than anything I think was the fact that he would no longer look into my eyes. So important for me.
Then my mask started to crack and I started to fall apart too. I tried to find ways to get my h interested in me again. I was desperate to feel desirable and lovable but at the same time I was a little vulnerable girl in the body of a grown woman.
I wanted mummy love and attention. I craved it so much. At the same time I wanted s intimacy with my partner and was being denied it for the first time in 2 decades.
When my poa came back into my life he offered me a shoulder to cry on and at the same time made me feel young and desirable again, I just didn't have a hope. I was ALIVE again ( I didn't know that being high felt like that ) and over the moon because I was having such strong feelings after months of numbness.
I told poa again and again that he had brought music back into my life. A will to live and love again, mind body and soul. I had no idea that every time I crashed that that was the flipside of the coin. The highs were unbelievable but the lows were so bad I felt I'd die if my POA got angry with me or didn't contact me for a day. every second without contact was unbearable actually. And it was as if I was being denied the air that I breathed. I had no idea at the time that I was an addict. None whatsoever. I was convinced there was something very wrong with me and began to suspect I was possessed, such was the incredible pull my poa had over me.
If anybody had asked me one day before I started emailing my poa if I would ever have cheated on my h, I would have shouted 'NO WAY' and I would have been shocked anyone could even imagine I was capable of such a thing.
POA was in the right place at the right time or the wrong place at the wrong time depending on how you look at it. It was meant to happen. I was dying inside and I had to hit bottom to start living again.
I'm so grateful for recovery and to all of you here for helping me day after day to get healthier.
I know I can come here when I'm sad and that I will feel the warmth of the embrace of this fellowship. I get nurturing here every day.
It doesn't matter that there are only a few of us. I think HP is giving us time to get our website and msg board together so that when we do get newcomers we'll be better equipped to help others and give back what we have received.
G
I broke down and lost it as soon as he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I would cry whenever I was alone but also in public at times. I would wait till he was asleep and then cry my eyes out trying to stifle the uncontrollable sobbing that took over my whole body and I'd awake every morning with that lump still in my throat.
A few days after diagnosis, my h had to ask me to be strong for him as he said he would not be able to get through the operation as he was so terrified and he really needed me to be strong for him and the girls. So I pulled myself together and put on this wonderful act of being in control and determined to do everything just right. I poured all my energies into researching his condition and finding a reputable surgeon. Obsessively...
After my h's successful operation we were all elated even tho he had some neurological deficits but fortunately he made a very speedy recovery. It was such a pleasant shock to our systems as we had been preparing ourselves for the worst and we didn't talk about what had happened or attempt to face the emotions we were burying.
Inevitably, depression set in for him when the initial euphoris wore off and he started to distance himself from me. He was so avoidant and just closed himself off from the fear and eveything else around him. What hurt more than anything I think was the fact that he would no longer look into my eyes. So important for me.
Then my mask started to crack and I started to fall apart too. I tried to find ways to get my h interested in me again. I was desperate to feel desirable and lovable but at the same time I was a little vulnerable girl in the body of a grown woman.
I wanted mummy love and attention. I craved it so much. At the same time I wanted s intimacy with my partner and was being denied it for the first time in 2 decades.
When my poa came back into my life he offered me a shoulder to cry on and at the same time made me feel young and desirable again, I just didn't have a hope. I was ALIVE again ( I didn't know that being high felt like that ) and over the moon because I was having such strong feelings after months of numbness.
I told poa again and again that he had brought music back into my life. A will to live and love again, mind body and soul. I had no idea that every time I crashed that that was the flipside of the coin. The highs were unbelievable but the lows were so bad I felt I'd die if my POA got angry with me or didn't contact me for a day. every second without contact was unbearable actually. And it was as if I was being denied the air that I breathed. I had no idea at the time that I was an addict. None whatsoever. I was convinced there was something very wrong with me and began to suspect I was possessed, such was the incredible pull my poa had over me.
If anybody had asked me one day before I started emailing my poa if I would ever have cheated on my h, I would have shouted 'NO WAY' and I would have been shocked anyone could even imagine I was capable of such a thing.
POA was in the right place at the right time or the wrong place at the wrong time depending on how you look at it. It was meant to happen. I was dying inside and I had to hit bottom to start living again.
I'm so grateful for recovery and to all of you here for helping me day after day to get healthier.
I know I can come here when I'm sad and that I will feel the warmth of the embrace of this fellowship. I get nurturing here every day.
It doesn't matter that there are only a few of us. I think HP is giving us time to get our website and msg board together so that when we do get newcomers we'll be better equipped to help others and give back what we have received.
G