Post by g on Oct 8, 2010 4:13:55 GMT -5
hey Primrose, this was in daily check in but don't want it to get lost in that thread. If you want to copy and paste this post yourself, please do so and delete this afterwards
Primrose wrote:
Moonlight, obviously I don't know if the man you're with is right for you or not, but what I do know is that dating in recovery from love and or sex addiction can be very hard. I've never done it, but I hear about it a lot. Really, noone else knows what's right for another, and it's up to an individual and their own HP to decide what's right for them. I have had very sane friends in SLAA phone me in bits in the early days of relationships, the doubt, the intensity of the ambivalence, the confusion, the childhood feelings coming up can be SO intense. And these feelings were coming up even though the people they'd chosen to be with were good people. Having doubts around good people who can provide intimacy is normal for recovering addicts. We fear intimacy. The ambivalence that can come up around someone who is capable of intimacy is profound.
So... balancing the fear of being with a new person who might be as damaged as the last person, facing the childhood feelings, and not bailing out because you suddenly realise this person has a pimple on their nose, well it's very hard! Moonlight people in SLAA start calling others in recovery relationships when they hit the stuff you're hitting. Is it possible for you to do that?
People who haven't got these LRA issues don't get it, and people who haven't dated sober yet don't get it either. In early recovery people often think of a relationship "if it hurts AT ALL, it's wrong". I don't believe that's true. I know from my own journey and also what I see in other recovery relationships, that working through the fear of intimacy means people feel terrible and project all sorts of insecurity and anxieties onto a partner. If someone is good, kind, honest, able to be present, a recovering addict will most likely feel "this is wrong". If you feel bored by a new partner it can often be a good sign actually!
Am thinking of you dear girl. There is dating support in SLAA in my city. I hope you can find something similar. As far as I can tell (not that I really know) what you're experiencing is pretty normal.
Had another long day yesterday to sort out work. Am grateful for my sponsor and a good meeting I went to. Am feeling less cut off. I went to therapy yesterday morning and spoke to a recovery friend. As I focus more on money and work recovery I am losing the closeness of one of my friendships, so I'm very sad about that. It is painful to have her back off from me a bit, but she hasn't worked for years and is afraid of work, I know I must trigger her. She is happier with other friends who aren't doing the things I do. I have to accept that. I'm sad though
Read more: hopeforloveaddicts.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=daily&action=display&thread=180&page=43#ixzz11kzbudQ6
Primrose wrote:
Moonlight, obviously I don't know if the man you're with is right for you or not, but what I do know is that dating in recovery from love and or sex addiction can be very hard. I've never done it, but I hear about it a lot. Really, noone else knows what's right for another, and it's up to an individual and their own HP to decide what's right for them. I have had very sane friends in SLAA phone me in bits in the early days of relationships, the doubt, the intensity of the ambivalence, the confusion, the childhood feelings coming up can be SO intense. And these feelings were coming up even though the people they'd chosen to be with were good people. Having doubts around good people who can provide intimacy is normal for recovering addicts. We fear intimacy. The ambivalence that can come up around someone who is capable of intimacy is profound.
So... balancing the fear of being with a new person who might be as damaged as the last person, facing the childhood feelings, and not bailing out because you suddenly realise this person has a pimple on their nose, well it's very hard! Moonlight people in SLAA start calling others in recovery relationships when they hit the stuff you're hitting. Is it possible for you to do that?
People who haven't got these LRA issues don't get it, and people who haven't dated sober yet don't get it either. In early recovery people often think of a relationship "if it hurts AT ALL, it's wrong". I don't believe that's true. I know from my own journey and also what I see in other recovery relationships, that working through the fear of intimacy means people feel terrible and project all sorts of insecurity and anxieties onto a partner. If someone is good, kind, honest, able to be present, a recovering addict will most likely feel "this is wrong". If you feel bored by a new partner it can often be a good sign actually!
Am thinking of you dear girl. There is dating support in SLAA in my city. I hope you can find something similar. As far as I can tell (not that I really know) what you're experiencing is pretty normal.
Had another long day yesterday to sort out work. Am grateful for my sponsor and a good meeting I went to. Am feeling less cut off. I went to therapy yesterday morning and spoke to a recovery friend. As I focus more on money and work recovery I am losing the closeness of one of my friendships, so I'm very sad about that. It is painful to have her back off from me a bit, but she hasn't worked for years and is afraid of work, I know I must trigger her. She is happier with other friends who aren't doing the things I do. I have to accept that. I'm sad though
Read more: hopeforloveaddicts.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=daily&action=display&thread=180&page=43#ixzz11kzbudQ6
