Hey honey, you must have been reading my mind. I just did this on paper and threw it in the fire but I'll do it again now.
My idea of rejection might be very different from that of others but I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining why I perceive certain things as rejection. at least I don't think I will.
In our early emails he insisted he wasn't flirting with me when he reminded me of the night we ended up kissing under the mistletoe almost 30 years earlier but signed off saying those memories were worthy of further investigation. (lots of crazy making when he would flirt and compliment me then deny it and i kept doubting my own good judgement) I felt rejected by his 'apparent' lack of interest
The more he said he wasn't good for me, the more I wanted to understand why. The more he said he never wanted to hurt anyone again, the more rejected I felt. It was as if I was begging him to please hurt me!!!
after only a couple of emails, I sent him a picture of me and my h on holiday along with another couple of mugshots of myself. innocent pics. ( haha. I wanted him to see I was still in good shape and looked healthy and happy) he told me he liked the one of us as a couple best ( I was so naive and only much later did I realise he was more interested in getting involved with me as part of a couple than me on my own) I felt rejected a s a woman. I just wasn't good enough for him.
He started a blog for me ( I didnt even know how blogs worked). I was very explicit about my own marriage and sexuality . I was pouring my heart out to him and him alone.
My poa made a long comment that was obscene in my opinion. He wrote as though he were a total stranger observing some sex crazed nymphomaniac and made comments about something I had confided to him earlier implying I was about to have sex with my female colleague. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I was so shocked I emailed him and hurled abuse at him. He answered by saying he was just doing what he thought I wanted i.e. being my audience. I deleted the blog in a rage but shortly afterwards apologised to him and accepted it was my fault and not his. I was so ashamed of how I had lashed out at him and again couldn't bear the thought I had misjudged him.
He told me over and over that you can't fall in love over the internet. I felt very rejected by that and realised later he used that as another way to convince me to meet IRL. I told him I would only got to bed with him if he loved me. He never said that but I went thru with it anyway. I took his silence as consent.
Whenever I tried to end it, many many times from day one, he would reply accusing me that I was pushing him out of my life, that I had my husband and was okay while he would be on his own again. I could not bear to feel I was rejecting him or hurting him so it would be back to square one. He told me once that I was okay because I had my little black dress ( after my h had been very complimentary I had felt very ashamed and wanted to work on my marriage)and a doting husband and that he would crawl back into his shell and never open up to anyone else ever again. Of course I would write back and beg him to forgive me. Apology upon apology.
I kept asking him how he would feel if we met and he kept saying we wouldn't know if there was a spark until we were in each other's presence. I felt very rejected by that. I had ony seen one pic of him ( I was already addicted to my fantasy and he must have been really cut up after my initial reaction )while he had seen hundreds of me.
I felt very guilty when I made it quite clear to him I would never have recognised him and that he was nothing like the way I remembered him. Asked him why he had let himself go and why he had put on so much weight. Then I felt really really terrible for rejecting him and beat myself up for being so obsessed with physical appearance. Again, his comments showed he felt very rejected and hurt and I couldn't be responsible for that so I took everything I said back and would shower him with compliments anyway. Until I convinced myself I really did find him attractive. I did actually become addicted to his body.
In the hours before we met up, he was the one that was out of control and texting me non stop. I was on automatic pilot and determined to go thru with it even if I wasnt attracted to him because i would not hurt him or reject him no matter what ( That is what he kept implying I would do)
We talked for a couple of hours and it was actually great to be with him but then he talked about two of my schoolfriends he had got involved with, his ex, ...his desire to have a child with his ex...I felt rejected by that and very jealous.
After initial 'intimacy' he went back to his room with no concern for me. rejection. I begged him to come back to my room after a few hours' sleep but he said he needed another hour. I insisted. He did come to my room but could not perform.
More rejection for me.
An hour or so later he came back to my room and we did get together but I felt as if it wouldn't have mattered if it were me or anyone else. he wasn't even looking at me and I can honestly say that two years on, I still cannot get my head around it. I was with a total stranger and I still went through with it.
He was driving me to my friend's house (after we checked out) and I asked him to pull over because I needed to hug and kiss him. All he could think and talk about was the man in the truck parked nearby. My poa was saying the guy was desperate for us to do something in public. I felt very rejected again and just a prop.
He refused to see me two days later and I was only 5 mins away from his town. I was starting to feel suicidal although I didnt tell him that. He insisted on coming to the airport the next morning as he was free. he warned me there would be no kissing, no holding of hands because he was well known. He pushed my hand away when i tried to hold his altho his newspaper was shielding his hand from view. he talked about his kids mainly and seemed very laid back. I was till sahken and feeling rejected and worried about going home and dealing with what I'd done.
He left the airport and called me almost immediately. Very intense S call. he sent me an email later saying I was beautiful and that I should go brighten up someone else'e day (
) (tears in my eyes as I write this)
When I got home I fell into a deep depression. Told him I felt as if I wanted to die and couldnt bear to be with my h. Life had lost all meaning for me. He said he wanted to run for the hills...
Any time I challenged his twisted thinking he'd lash out at me and tell me he'd never open up to me again
Told me over and over my mood swings were very tiring and causing him a great deal of stress
When he and his wife got back together after a brief separation, he told me he was going to work on his marriage. I was so distraught and felt so rejected I confessed my ema to my daughter
When he had sorted things out with his wife he was ready to continue with me. I felt validated but disgusted at the same time. He implied he loved his wife and that he was trying to be emotionally honest with her. From what he was saying it became even clearer I would never have a place in his heart. Sex was one thing, love was another for him.
I was in the UK a couple of weeks later with my daughter. I had organised it so I would have an hour or so free every day
. My poa said there was no way he'd come to the city to see me. Every single day I hoped he'd turn up but he didn't.
He'd tell me over and over to concentrate on my real life. He seemed able to just switch off at weekends or when he was on holiday while I felt I was dying when I couldn't hear from him
He told me he'd warned me I could get hurt by this internet r/s
He told me our communication was not good for me and that I needed NC
He told me he and his wife were going to experiment ( with swinging I assume from what he revealed about their conversation) he offered to come visit me and my h with his wife. That was the dealbreaker for me and the beginning of the end.
The greatest rejection was when I begged him to tell me there was more to our r/s than just S. I set myself up for that rejection because I knew he would never express feelings for me but I was pushing him to do it. I knew deep down it would give me the strength to break away for good. I had already found out about LA and identified my 'love' as an addiction.
I knew I needed to stop feeding my addiction and the only way to do that was thru NC. So, when he answered that whether he said something or not to me he would exacerbate the situation, and that he thought I needed NC, I said he was right. He told me he would always be there for me if I didn't manage to keep away ( I had failed so many times before)
There is soooo much more. So many incidents early on especially but i learned not to trigger his anger or provoke him in any way.
I think he threatened to close down his(our) email account maybe twice in 16 mths. he also blocked me on msn ( my special account that I used only for him), he would threaten to log off for the rest of the day if I upset him in any way. When he did, I would curl up on th floor and cry for hours. I ceased to function for hours, days at a time and would bombard him with emails and stare blindly at my computer screen or jump every time my bberry LED flashed. I was a puppet on a string for a very long time.
I need to cut those strings once and for all.