Post by CJ on Oct 26, 2010 5:58:16 GMT -5
I am becoming concerned that some things that happened in my relationship with my Poa in England may be impacting on a relationship I am now having. I have been seeing a woman for about two months on and off who I like and respect. She is very centered and good for me. I have avoided many of the LA urges I have had in the past and things seemed to be progressing very reasonably. We ran into a snag a week or so ago because I was concerned that she might not be able to have as close a relationship as I would like because of her children and the involvement of her ex-husband in their lives (at her house weekly). I had expressed some concerns and she felt I was saying the relationship would not work. We spent some days communicating very little but eventually were able to speak at length about the issue and better understand our feelings. As a result, we have basically returned to where things were and grew closer. Yesterday, she told me that she was very upset because she had learned something from a very close friend. This is a guy she had dated very briefly three years ago and they stayed friends. He lives far away, but they text frequently. He told her yesterday that he had not broken up with a girlfriend as he had claimed three years ago, but they had continued to be involved the entire time of the friendship and were now getting married. So, even though it was not a romantic relationship, she feels hurt and betrayed. I am being supportive and really do hate to see her in so much pain.
These incidents are upsetting me and I am wondering if I am being reasonable or overreacting because of my past experiences. My Poa was frequently ambivalent at best and often distancing me. She also constantly talked with old boy friends on the phone for hours a day and had no time or interest discussing her issues with me.
When this woman pulled away after I expressed some concerns about closeness, it felt felt like the same ambivalence and distancing that I had from my Poa. We did air it out, and she did explain that she was frightened that if she became more involved I might wake up one day and leave her because she could not spend enough time with me. That is all very rational, but it made very uneasy and I think it might be because of my past experience. When she pulled away, I felt just the same as with my Poa and that was not a good experience. So, now I worry that it will happen again, but this time more permanently.
I was also troubled by the male friend. First, we are not in an exclusive relationship. She is not dating anyone else, but we have not made any promises in that regard. So, in no way was her friendship in any way a betrayal of me. I am not jealous by nature and have no problem with her having a male friend. What concerns me is the level of emotional intimacy and frequency of communication. She is now devastated because this guy she has been communicating with daily for years and sharing her most intimate issues has been lying to her the entire time about a very important fact. She even mentioned that she had talked with him when she was upset because I had expressed the concerns I did. Part of me understands that I should not be threatened by her having this close friend. But at the same time, it feels so much like the experience with my Poa. There is a huge difference in that this woman does share her issues with me and does spend time and communicates with me a tremendous amount. I can't help but believe that I would not be so bothered by this but for my prior Poa experience. I am just almost overcome by dread and concern and it does not seem very rational.
Both of these things go back to central LA issues, not just my last Poa. They revolve around low self esteem and fear and desperation. I was really happy that my relationship with this woman had seemed so balanced and free of those compulsive and desperate feelings. Now, I am just disappointed and frustrated to feel that I will never be free of them.
At my age, I don't have years to discover myself before being in another relationship. I considered a monastery, but I can't sing so I would be bad at chanting, and I look awful in a skirt.
These incidents are upsetting me and I am wondering if I am being reasonable or overreacting because of my past experiences. My Poa was frequently ambivalent at best and often distancing me. She also constantly talked with old boy friends on the phone for hours a day and had no time or interest discussing her issues with me.
When this woman pulled away after I expressed some concerns about closeness, it felt felt like the same ambivalence and distancing that I had from my Poa. We did air it out, and she did explain that she was frightened that if she became more involved I might wake up one day and leave her because she could not spend enough time with me. That is all very rational, but it made very uneasy and I think it might be because of my past experience. When she pulled away, I felt just the same as with my Poa and that was not a good experience. So, now I worry that it will happen again, but this time more permanently.
I was also troubled by the male friend. First, we are not in an exclusive relationship. She is not dating anyone else, but we have not made any promises in that regard. So, in no way was her friendship in any way a betrayal of me. I am not jealous by nature and have no problem with her having a male friend. What concerns me is the level of emotional intimacy and frequency of communication. She is now devastated because this guy she has been communicating with daily for years and sharing her most intimate issues has been lying to her the entire time about a very important fact. She even mentioned that she had talked with him when she was upset because I had expressed the concerns I did. Part of me understands that I should not be threatened by her having this close friend. But at the same time, it feels so much like the experience with my Poa. There is a huge difference in that this woman does share her issues with me and does spend time and communicates with me a tremendous amount. I can't help but believe that I would not be so bothered by this but for my prior Poa experience. I am just almost overcome by dread and concern and it does not seem very rational.
Both of these things go back to central LA issues, not just my last Poa. They revolve around low self esteem and fear and desperation. I was really happy that my relationship with this woman had seemed so balanced and free of those compulsive and desperate feelings. Now, I am just disappointed and frustrated to feel that I will never be free of them.
At my age, I don't have years to discover myself before being in another relationship. I considered a monastery, but I can't sing so I would be bad at chanting, and I look awful in a skirt.
