some feelings.

[primrose]

I wonder about the sadness I feel at the moment. It is a sort of insane sadness. It is so intense that it feels like I have a constant headache, but it is actually emotional pain.

I wonder where exactly this grief is from because I am sure this is not simply the ivf. Is it bringing up the death of my friend in may last year? My husband's cancer? My sadness about having a POA? Or is it even earlier and this has opened up my sadness about my mother not loving me?

It doesn't feel like the loss of withdrawal. Withdrawal for me was about longing and abandonment and pain. This is grief and it is very deep, but it is despair that is coming up. An acceptance of the loss of hope. That I must let go of hope. Perhaps that sounds crazy, but it doesn't feel wrong at all. It feels right and my sense is to just go with this and trust that I will be okay.

And I noticed something interesting today. I saw my god-daughter and her brother and sister. We always have a good time, but today was absolutely hilarious. I was so funny! It was brilliant to joke with them. With all of the misery I've been in I really had fun with the children and I can see that my sense of humour is just sillier and lighter and faster than it's ever been. There's always a positive from going through sadness and just allowing it, and I really felt that today. So I'll carry on opening to it and just letting it be. I'd hoped that by now I'd be better, but if this is going to take longer, so be it. Feelings are what they are.

[serenity]

I want to lift Primrose up to you Father God and thank you so much for her, thank you that you have blessed her with such wisdom and acceptance and help her to know that she will never have to accept giving up her hope, our hope is our lifeline and it can never die in us, even when it feels like all hope is gone it is there waiting for us to see it when we are ready.

I pray you bring Primrose an even deeper and wider heart so that she can feel the love around her and within her more and more each day. Amen

[primrose]

Thanks Vee! It is not complete hope that I feel I'm giving up, but the acceptance that I may not have a child. That that's not in my hands and I am accepting that childlessness may be part of my journey in this life. Giving that up, accepting it means being open to whatever comes. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't, but the hope I've had until now had been a form of denial, like the child who hopes their mother will come, when the mother is gone forever. Accepting reality means letting go of that hope and feeling the sadness underneath it.

My husband was very ill, I'm nearly 40 these are things that make having a child very difficult. Accepting that is hard, but it's also freeing. Hope can sometimes just be the will, letting go of my will to have a child is a good thing. V painful though.