Post by serenity on Jan 20, 2011 9:06:37 GMT -5
I have to be very careful right now that i don’t slide into active love addiction to avoid the pain that is coming up through my parents. I need to put down in words that they are my biggest triggers and right now my mother wants me to rescue her and my father is bullying and manipulating me to rescue her. I understand their scared because i’m pulling away and not accepting unacceptable behaviour anymore and I pray for them both but my recovery comes first today and I have stepped over the new frontier of healing which has only been possible through God.
It is to God that I turn to now and its vital that i let him know that i’m frightened of acting out because of how toxic my parents are to me and i’m scared I won’t accept that they have let me down so badly because of my love addiction to them. Is it possible to break that bond with them other than to go no contact? I’ve just heard the most painful opinion that my father has of me and he is the one person that i want to love me and i don’t even want to admit that because he is such a bully and a narc but he’s my father and every little girl wants to be adored by her father i guess.
This had to happen, I had to see the depth of their ability to drain me and manipulate me so that i can face my truth and find my own happiness. I’ve always known that i won’t be able to find my happiness whilst I have their influence in my life and it seems right now I have to have NC with all my immediate family to get fully well. Does this make me an orphan? I used to tell my mother when i was a child that she adopted me as she always had more photos of my brother as a baby around the house and hardly any of me. I know now that this would have been because she was depressed when i was a baby and didn’t take many photos.
I’ve done the right thing and declined the reunion dinner invite from my guy friend at church but now they have changed the date so i will have to be doubly strong to turn that down as well. I don’t know if i have the strength to do that again. I’ve also had a few guys add me on facebook one of whom i think is attracted to me and is a real ladies man and a charmer and also a very nice Christian guy from what i can tell but i’ve ignored all the requests for a while because they are all from the same group of friends and if i accept one without the other i may hurt their feelings. Plus we are all friends and I am learning to have friendships with men so i’ve finally accepted them all but i’m going to hide the one guy’s news feeds so i don’t look for intrigue. I hope that if i am vigilant and honest about my actions and fears then i can protect myself from any acting out.
It is to God that I turn to now and its vital that i let him know that i’m frightened of acting out because of how toxic my parents are to me and i’m scared I won’t accept that they have let me down so badly because of my love addiction to them. Is it possible to break that bond with them other than to go no contact? I’ve just heard the most painful opinion that my father has of me and he is the one person that i want to love me and i don’t even want to admit that because he is such a bully and a narc but he’s my father and every little girl wants to be adored by her father i guess.
This had to happen, I had to see the depth of their ability to drain me and manipulate me so that i can face my truth and find my own happiness. I’ve always known that i won’t be able to find my happiness whilst I have their influence in my life and it seems right now I have to have NC with all my immediate family to get fully well. Does this make me an orphan? I used to tell my mother when i was a child that she adopted me as she always had more photos of my brother as a baby around the house and hardly any of me. I know now that this would have been because she was depressed when i was a baby and didn’t take many photos.
I’ve done the right thing and declined the reunion dinner invite from my guy friend at church but now they have changed the date so i will have to be doubly strong to turn that down as well. I don’t know if i have the strength to do that again. I’ve also had a few guys add me on facebook one of whom i think is attracted to me and is a real ladies man and a charmer and also a very nice Christian guy from what i can tell but i’ve ignored all the requests for a while because they are all from the same group of friends and if i accept one without the other i may hurt their feelings. Plus we are all friends and I am learning to have friendships with men so i’ve finally accepted them all but i’m going to hide the one guy’s news feeds so i don’t look for intrigue. I hope that if i am vigilant and honest about my actions and fears then i can protect myself from any acting out.