Step Two Moonlight

[g]

[moonlight]

January 2010

Describe the concept of insanity.

Insanity. This is when my mind closes to a tunnel vision in which only one truth exists: HE will make everything better and I need him. And if I can't get him, everything's lost. In this world, many things are focused towards the goal of getting him. Dignity doesn't matter. Only in so far it influences the chance of getting him to love me (if I don't act dignified, than the chance of having him love me is smaller).

Some boundaries stay, no matter what:
I make sure it doesn't affect other people (but him and me)
I don't physically hurt myself (anymore) or him
I continue to go to work and keep other obligations, even though I feel lousy

Some values go:
*crossing his boundaries
I rage at him sometimes (normally I never do that to anyone),
I blame him for pulling away;
I moralize him about his shortcomings;
I start to analyze him psychologically, using private information he's given me about himself and his parents before, to prove my point and manipulate him: I am very strong in conversational techniques, so my talking is a powerful weapon when misused

*giving up my own values:
I scream at him, letting my dignity go
I cry loudly in front of him, when he's not willing to support me
I tell myself I'm worthless.

[moonlight]

How do you substitute a higher power?

I think I will take some time to consider this question. Because it feels congruent with where I'm at right now. Maybe I'll come back and answer it again a few times. I'm thinking a lot about the form of a higher power that works for me. I am trying to find this form. To visualize it or feel it.
I've had experiences with a higher power. The strongest one was in the beginning of OA. For three blissful days, I felt like I was being watched over constantly. Like a little child who is sure her father is always near to catch her when she falls. A lovely feeling of security and being sure. At the time, even though I wasn't sure rationally, it felt more like "knowing" than "believing".
And one time when I was on a holiday in England by myself, I felt so connected. I felt very powerful and I felt I could do anything I wanted to. I was in the middle of a big natural reserve, by myself, the first hours I felt scared something would happen to me, and than out of the fear rose this tremendous feeling. I've tried to duplicate it later, but it didn't happen.
I've meditated on and off through the last 10 years. Sometimes it feels like I'm in a protective bubble. Sometimes I suddenly feel very happy and I see how funny it all is, life. Sometimes I feel like I connect with a bigger force and this force is very thrilled about life and the world and my life. Light, bubbly. I feel it has a big smile on its face and it makes me laugh. I see myself from a distance, I see the hardships F (Moonlight) is going through, yet don't identify. I'm connected to my inner child, but I am not her.

I had a bit of this some weeks ago, when the going got rough with my BF (now x). We had planned to go to Italy around New Year's, with his children, to his father and stepmother, but I canceled because we were too distant from each other and I couldn't face sitting on a mountain top with all of them in this hopeless situation (focusing on the well being of the children, not our relationship of course; literally no space). So when I canceled I felt very sad.

But Amsterdam was so beautiful by than. The snow everywhere, the skating. The sunlight on it, some days. I fell in love with the city, again. Also it was so much more quiet because of the snow, that dampens sound. A very esoteric atmosphere. My friends were trying to help me out the best they could; we had a lovely lovely new year's. In the past I have spent some of my new year's alone because I had nowhere to go. So each year is a little miracle again, with this loving group of friends and family (for 8 years now or so).

I don't mind saying god anymore, it doesn't feel limited. But I'm not a Christian. Actually I believe in direct contact with god and than sensing what is right behavior for me. I do think love for ones neighbours and everybody, everything on this planet, is the core.

This makes me think of my grandmother. She was a very warm and giving person. We didn't discuss emotions, but I always felt very much loved and very safe and appreciated when I stayed for a holiday at her house. My god, it was really lovely there. And she was so loving. For instance: she polished her furniture and talked to it. And she used to feed the birds every morning, in a set ritual: she would cut the rests of bread and cheese at the breakfast table; she would bring it in the garden on a special plate that the cat couldn't reach; I would watch from behind the window in the big chair; she would clap her hands; and the second she closed the kitchen door, hundreds of different birds came flying up to us... (this is because she had lived there for many years and the birds passed the information on to their offspring, I guess). This feeling of sitting there by the window and watching all these living creatures being fed. And this every morning. My grandma had lots of rituals. I lacked them severely at home. I loved being there. Sometimes I still feel her presence clearly, like on old year's day when I made a big walk through the snow. I used to stay with her around christmas a lot and than we would go walking in the snow; one time she tripped and I caught her, from that moment on she stated that I had saved her life..

[moonlight]

D&R upon the following concepts available in step 2

A) belief means reliance not defiance
This reminds me of something a dear colleague told me:
F. (moonlight), you need to FLOAT more! In your work, in love, just float along, everything will be alright.
I loved that image. Of me floating on an air-bed, on a lake, nearby the coast, in summer. Just dozing off, floating.

Another thing it reminds me of. As a child I had many fears. Among them was going on roller coasters in amusement parks. My friends would but I was too afraid, so I never went (on school trips usually). One day when I was around ten, my male teacher very directively told me to get in. I really didn't dare but before I knew, I was sitting in this little wagon, being stuffed between my teacher and a class mate. This was the experience of a lifetime. It felt so scary and so immensely safe that he took control and guided me through my fears. I missed this feeling severely normally, as their was no strong father figure to lead the way. I had to do it all alone.

One night though I dreamed that I was so tired I couldn't walk anymore. Exhausted and too sad for words. Than my father came and carried me home (to our old house). Being carried, such a wonderful feeling.

Being defiant: I am perhaps too defiant to see my real defiantness... In important matters, I'm careful whose opinion to trust. I think this is important, not just following someone along. They're just humans as well. I like the slogan "take what you like and leave the rest". This said, I do have days where I'm plain angry. The most I can do at such days is being aware of my anger and frustration and trying to give it space inside me.

I guess the little child in me that wants sweets all the time, wants to watch tv and never go to sleep is defiant. But I'm quite fond of her. Just as long as I don't confuse her with the real me. And don't let her take charge. The best way to do this, in my experience, is give into the child where I can and where it's not harmful; if this is not possible make a compromise. And in some rare cases: be strict and give something healthy instead.

I don't want to judge my defying, because it's my inner child and it just means it needs attention and loving authority.

Moonlight

[moonlight]

B) Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of every love addict.

Yes, I have a vulnerable ego. Therefore I try to protect it by shielding away from criticism, instead following my own way. This is not the solution, but it's been a necessary coping mechanism as a child and still is sometimes.

I think however, this statement is too bold for me. I cannot judge over other love addicts, but as for me: defiance is one of my characteristics, but to say it's outstanding is too much. It's part of a much larger repertoire of behavior. I can be defying in certain situations and mood conditions, but I can also be very flexible and open in other. When I feel sure of god's will for me, I am able to surrender to that.

I have learned a lot through the process of decision taking in OA (other 12 step program). I learned that even though I had a different opinion, things could still turn out for the best it the group conscience decided otherwise. This was a strong experience. I am now much more open to alternatives to my own opinion. Although I can still be very strong-headed. Which sometimes is a good thing as well, because there are situations that I need to have the courage to not follow the group conscience.

[moonlight]

C) The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think

In Dutch we have an old poem, going:

Een mens lijdt dikwijls 't meest
Door 't lijden dat hij vreest
Doch dat nooit op komt dagen.
Zo heeft hij meer te dragen
Dan God te dragen geeft.

Meaning:

Man often suffers most
Through the suffering he fears
But that will never appear
Thus he has to endure more
Than God gives to endure.

For me the hoop is not initiating contact with my ex-BF at the moment; I handle it one moment at the time. I guess jumping through the hoop is the footwork, using the tools. The goal is behind the hoop: abstinence of depending on a relationship for my self value. You have to do something difficult to achieve your goal. And the something difficult turns out not to be as difficult as expected.

Moonlight

[moonlight]

Positive experiences with religion on childhood:

-Singing songs in church with Christmas (I come from an atheist family, we only went to church sometimes on Christmas with the neighbors, or when one of their kids was baptized)

-I liked singing the song before bedtime that Dutch christians sing, even though I wasn't christian so I was singing alone:

Ik ga slapen, ik ben moe
Sluit mijn beide oogjes toe
Here houdt ook deze nacht
Over mij weer trouw de wacht, amen

I'm going to sleep, I'm tired
Close both of my eyes
This night too
The Lord will watch over me, amen

-There was one tree in the backgarden that I felt was holy. I used to hang on its branch and feel very special.

-One time on a holiday a guy was playing the guitar by the campfire, with his children and everybody that wanted to sing along. In Denmark on a campsite. I felt like I was part of the group (a feeling that I normally lacked). When his little girl had to go to bed, he took her on his lap and sang a song with her, called (if I remember well): you are a little pearl in gods hand. How I wished I had a father like that.

-Once in a while I typed secret letters on our typewriter, to a girl I'd met on a holiday and never seen again since (called Marleen). I pretended she was my best friend and understood everything. I kept the letters in a little wooden cabinet that I thought was sacred.

-When I was staying with my grandma, I believed in magic. That little miracles might happen. That objects could have powers. Everything was treated with respect. The food she cooked, the furniture, the birds and the plants (she had a cactus with hair called Catweazle that grew huge under her loving care; she also once planted a tiny christmas tree in the garden because she couldn't get herself to throw it away, and 20 years later it had to be cut because it took away all the light). I also came to believe in coincidence with a purpose.

-On a holiday, very early, going into the lake by myself, staying under water and feeling cleansed.

[moonlight]

Negative experiences:

-When the holy tree one day had been put down

-That beautiful things all went away; got lost. As a child, I was very afraid that humans were spoiling for good all the beautiful things in the world.

-Really don't feel like writing about them! But I trust it's for a good cause.

-Sometimes bored in church

-Very disappointed about our babysitter who was very religious and I had hoped she would be able to listen to me, give me attention or help me

-In philosophy class on high school, my little faith was really killed by all the discussions on science. I didn't believe anything had real value anymore. Believed I was kidding myself with illusions.

-I'm afraid of large groups of people thoughtlessly following a human leader, because I was bullied and also saw examples of what might go wrong (we got very extensive teaching on the Second World War and holocaust; saw the movie Anne Frank like five times on primary school; very impressive for a sensitive little girl)

-I couldn't and still can't understand why a general god with infinite powers would allow such hardships and injustice.

[moonlight]

Reasons to disbelieve:

Why would there: most things that I know of can be explained by science;
Especially phenomena like OBE, religious feeling (there's a whole brain part dedicated to that)
If man has his own soul, how is it possible he looses his personality completely after brain damage or dementia?
I just don't buy that any good, loving being would allow the extreme suffering in the world to continue; I just don't believe that's for a good cause.

Reasons to believe:

Maybe there's no almighty god; that I can accept. But many entities that can help us.
I've experienced times of "too much coincidence"
I use the I Ching a lot (an oracle). From experience, I believe it works.
People I respect strongly believe in something more than the eye beholds.
Life is empty without magic.
I feel that like with all things valuable: the more you try to define it into human words and analyze it, the more it vanishes leaving nothing but an empty shell; therefore it's not possible by definition to find god. It's the greatest miracle of all, non-speakable. I believe in Chinese Tao, "that which cannot be said".
Good chance that there is more than I can perceive in any way.
I'd very much like to be a believer/knower. I'll try to fake it until I do or do not make it. I'd like some directions on how to integrate it into my life. Hopefully they'll be in Susans book (that I just received by mail order) or in the next step!