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Post by moonlight on Jun 12, 2010 1:41:08 GMT -5
HI all
I am going to share my fourth step on board and hopefully move on. I've given it a lot of thought over the past 10 years, so it's okay. I know where my fears are coming from.
My character defects:
-mistrust in higher power, destiny, faith etc. -stubbornness about doing what I know is right for me -being very harsh on myself (is the other side of stubbornness, rebellious child versus critical mother) -lazyness, being too easy on myself (for example refusing to meditate) -avoidance/procrastination of fearful situations, also by seeking fixes by kicks -feeling inferior to other humans -feeling superior to other humans
I am going to try and do these steps online, right here. I'll also ask my OA friend to do a real life 5th step at the end of discussing it here.
Love, Moonlight
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Post by primrose on Jun 12, 2010 6:17:57 GMT -5
Wow this is so cool Moonlight! Can we have a step forum? Didn't think we could do that until we knew what we were, but that's fab to start your step work. Thank you for your courage to share it. P. Xx
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Post by not2bforgot10x on Jun 13, 2010 13:09:50 GMT -5
I have touched on the 4th (and even 5th) step a bit, but only for a few months when I was single... I then started doing it for a good year and a half, but I was involved with someone when I did it.
I am about to move out of this housing situation I am in with my recent ex POA and live on my own, and I believe then I can start a real 4 step with no distractions.
I will admit, I am very nervous. I am afraid of the grief that will unfold once I begin this process with out another to distract me from it...
I know it's necessary though, and so I will gradually get through it, even if at the pace of a snail!
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Post by moonlight on Jun 13, 2010 14:56:09 GMT -5
Thank you!!! I'd love to have a step forum. I think that someone will be put in charge by the temp committee to make decisions about how to decorate the board right? Once we know who this person is or who they are, we can ask them to make it. Love, Moonlight
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Post by serenity on Jun 14, 2010 9:22:50 GMT -5
Yes thanks so much for posting your defects here M, its so helpful to have others insights into their defects. Personally, I oscillate between being too hard on myself to being lazy in my self care which is much like my addiction. I am both sides of the same coin in that i'm a love addict/avoidant.
I also have a problem with grandiose thinking or one up thinking as Pia mwellody calls it and then one down thinking where i am not good enough.
I believe this constant swinging from one extreme to the other is to do with the constant mixed mesages i recieved as a child from my parents and i was never allowed to think my own thoughts.
My main focus at the moment is my fear of men. I have very little contact with men now, my father is the only constant contact i have as he is my boss and this is the relationship i need to heal before being able to have healthy romantic relationships with men.
I discusseed the idea of taking a 'safe' mans number from one of my slaa meetings but at the moment i'd only be comfortable with taking a gay man's no. Does anyone else outreach to the opposite sex on the phone or at meetings?
V
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Post by trout46 on Jun 14, 2010 12:57:28 GMT -5
Very courageous Moonlight! Sharing your defects with others can be a very liberating experience. I hope it is for you!
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Post by primrose on Jun 14, 2010 13:51:05 GMT -5
Serenity, I have male friends in SLAA but most of them are gay. The straight men I know I call about meeting business, but I don't really outreach to them. I have done very occasionally. I'm married so I'm not looking to work through anything with straight men. I think people start to do it around step 9 usually, but I'm not 100% on that, might be earlier. P.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 14, 2010 15:17:44 GMT -5
Hi Trout Now I understand your nickname (with the nice picture next to it). Looks like a jolly happy fish.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 21, 2010 1:53:58 GMT -5
Yesterday I was talking to a colleague/friend who does a lot of training in spiritual stuff. We were talking about shadow sides. I shared my character defects with her. It came out naturally and fluently.
The last couple of days I've been thinking it would be very wise for me to do a fourth step on my good traits as well. With the defects, I've served the side of me that tends to think grandiosely; but the side that thinks I'm inferior also deserves attention. And I don't mean so much to give myself compliments, but rather to describe what I'm really like. In the core I believe we're all good and each one has their own gifts, passions. Before anyone starts judging negatively OR positively. I'd like to describe this part as well.
When I'm done, I'm going to ask my OA friend if I can share my fifth step with her. And than move on, yippeeeee! As to the avoidance part, I'm working through that hard. But only two days a week (on the hard job), rest of the week I'm recovering from that. Only, I got offered extra hours, so it's going to be 20 hours a week of exposure now. But that's ok. With the help of you and me and my higher power and my friends and family, I can manage.
Lots of love, Moonlight
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 21, 2010 22:22:29 GMT -5
Moonlight,
Thanks for sharing your idea regarding looking at your positive traits. That may be helpful for those of us who have self-esteem issues. I'm working on Step 4 now and so it's time to look at the defects ...
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Post by serenity on Jun 22, 2010 5:34:36 GMT -5
I may have to put my step 5 on hold for now as i need to do the slip q's. I started them last night and i['m actually enjoying doing it as its helping me focus on my spiritual journey on this wonderful programme.
Because my slip was around letting my defences down a bit and getting into fantasy because i was drinking wine I've decided to stick to a boundary with alcohol. I feel now that I will only be able to have the odd glass of wine with very close friends and when i am around people i don't know well or men i don't know well more importantly I will look after myself which means not drinking in their company.
Most importantly i will pray for Gods guidance when i feel the need to have a drink for the wrong reasons and i know that he will protect me and help me make a decision that will look after me. I know he can change us and help us to different needs once we trust in him and go to him.
Thank you father God.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 30, 2010 2:53:04 GMT -5
Hello all
Yesterday I did a Resentment List on my colleagues at work and it turned out real simple. It was the same for all of them! I feel resentment because I think they think I'm not capable and I think they gossip about me (no proof whatsoever). It is because of my low self-esteem that I feel this way. And because of sadness about past experiences of being shut out. And thirdly, because sometimes I myself feel like I'm not capable. I am too strict on myself, I think I cannot make mistakes. So my perfectionism towards myself I guess (the critical voice inside). Also sometimes I'm not performing as I think I should, because of my tendency to procrastinate and seek kicks instead of doing my duties. So here you are, all my character defects neatly packed within one situation!
I'm happy that it's this simple and easy to overview!
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Post by moonlight on Jun 30, 2010 3:06:16 GMT -5
But now, the real test of course: my ex boyfriend T.
I feel resentful because: 1. He won't let me see the kids 2. He didn't keep his promises 3. First he told me and made me feel that I was golden whereas later, he started to ignore me and made me feel like I was sh*t 4. I think he speaks badly of me now, as he did with former girlfriends 5. He called me hysterical 6. He doesn't show any emotion but slight irritation in response to my sadness 7. He invited me into his life so quickly and told me it would be forever, wanted me to move in, meet the kids, meet his parents in Italy, but it wasn't forever: he withdrew after a few months 8. He put himself back on a dating site while we were still together 9. He wouldn't touch me anymore the last three months 10. I think he told bad things about me to friends and family (no direct proof) 11. One day when we met a friends of his, he talked with her for 10 minutes and didn't introduce me 12. He flirted with his neighbor while I was around 13. He didn't take care of his personal hygiene when I asked him to because I didn't feel comfortable being intimate with him otherwise 14. He didn't thank me for making so much efforts towards his children, among which meeting their mother who at first was very hostile 15. He promised we'd go away on a weekend but I had to keep asking for it 16. Two weeks ago, he laughed at me while chatting when I told him I really miss his children 17. He made me believe there was a still a chance of us getting alright again, whereas he'd already shut off 18. When I told him an emotional story, he said he "didn't think it was interesting" 19. He never cleaned the toilet when I came along 20. He didn't help me out when our bikes collapsed in the train.
I think that is about it.. I'm going to think some more if I have more resentments, before adding the second part!
Love, Moonlight
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Post by quinn on Jun 30, 2010 9:12:14 GMT -5
Moonlight, that is a very compelling list of resentments. I know we're meant to let go of resentments, but they're also handy for when we get amnesia and start missing POA. I hope this list helps remind you in difficult moments why he's a sh#t and you're so much better off without him.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 30, 2010 12:35:06 GMT -5
Hi Quinn
You're absolutely right, it can help to prevent romanticising. I'll store it up!
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