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Post by primrose on Jun 10, 2010 14:49:44 GMT -5
No contact (NC) is very hard. It's good to prepare for it if at all possible. If there are meetings in your area, use them. If it's possible to get a sponsor and take numbers, do. It's easy to isolate but it will really help to utilise any recovery support that you can. Family and friends often do not understand the horror and seemingly unrelenting misery of NC. They may already have exhausted their reserves of empathy. If that's the case, use other love addicts for support. We know what it's like. It's awful. We've been there.
Remember, it is a stage. It will end. It feels like it will go on forever. It won't. Everyone is different, so it's hard to know how long it will take, but if you keep it in the day you'll get through it. You start off counting the days and each day is a miracle and then you're a week through it, a fortnight, a month, and eventually you can't really remember how long it is you've been free.
Self care is very important in withdrawal. It might feel very difficult to do anything much. Sometimes brushing your teeth will seem too much. Just do what you can and be kind to yourself. Kindness will really help. Surrendering to the pain and praying through it is all that's really possible at times, and has to happen. The pain has been waiting to be felt for a long time. It's a gift to feel it, although it won't feel like that when you're in it. It's usually afterwards that you realise what a miraculous process withdrawal is.
Also, the odd distraction isn't terrible. If you can drag yourself off the sofa and from under the duvet, do go out. Sit in the sun, have a walk, go to the gym, go dancing. If those things are impossible, they're impossible, but if not, enjoy friends, have a day off from the misery.
Pings might well happen. Check in here or with a recovery friend or sponsor before you reply. I have a dear friend in recovery who has said to me "Why don't you leave it today and you can act-out tomorrow?". It is good advice as waiting a day usually means the compulsion recedes. Pings don't have to be returned, phones don't have to be answered.
Any other ideas about NC? Best. P.
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Post by Bluejay on Jun 12, 2010 11:57:12 GMT -5
It's possible to build an emotional wall and maintain very limited, surface contact with a POA, if NC isn't an option. I think it definitely makes recovery harder, but I'm sure that if can be done. I think the important thing is to keep the interactions focused on the work issues only to avoid feeling triggered and obsessing.
I am in the same vicinity as my POA because our kids attend the same school and we have the same larger social circle. But I don't need to interact with her as I would in a work situation, so I have successfully dodged info about her all year. I don't even look at her, let alone talk to her. NC is maintained. But there is no doubt that just being near her and occasionally learning about things visually that I can't avoid (like when I see her son in a soccer uniform, I know they are headed to a game) does impede my recovery. I'm doing the best that I can with the circumstances that I have, but NC is tested again and again. I know I would be a lot better off if I had both NC and no chance of seeing her. For me, the less info the better. Starve the addiction!
In the meantime, those of us with LC or who have NC but still "see" their POA due to completely unavoidable circumstances, it's important to build emotional muscle. Over time I find I get better and better at being near my POA but not feeling engaged or triggered.
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Post by g on Jun 12, 2010 11:58:16 GMT -5
KB and Bluejay,
Thank you very much for these posts on LC. It's been hard finding helpful posts like these for people who cannot practise NC - either because they work with their POAs as you do -or because there are children involved and the POA is legally bound to pick them up or drop them off.
May I suggest you start a separate thread on LC and maybe also copy and paste your posts there? Thanks again for sharing and well done on those bottomlines.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 14, 2010 19:47:26 GMT -5
NC means, besides physically removing yourself from the place you met your POA, the following:
1. Not speaking about the POA with acquaintences who know the both of you.
2. Not asking ABOUT the POA with fellow acquaintences. If you're asking "Hey, how's POA doing lately? What are they up to?" it's defeating the purpose of your healing. ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THE POA CAN BE TOXIC TO YOU when you are NOT ready for it.
3. Either getting rid of or boxing objects, cards, letters, emails, and texts the POA gave you. Maybe you're not ready to destroy or give away the objects and writings. That's okay. Keep them, but put them into a place which is difficult to get to when you're feeling nostalgic. Store them in a hard to get to closet. Give them to a relative or friend. Take them to work, etc.
4. Delete phone numbers. Block emails.
5. De-Friend them from FaceBook or any other social networking sites you are on. If you're not on FB, remove yourself from common internet groups you may share.
6. Do Not cyberstalk. It keeps the "high" of contact going.
7. Write a letter to the POA. Say to them why you are going NC. List everything, how you're feeling, the pain you're in. Then sit on that letter. Wait a day, two days, a week. See how you feel. Then either put the letter away or destroy it. I won't suggest sending it to the POA. However I've sent my fair share of NC letters and never looked back.
8. Don't fret about the pain you are causing the POA by going NC. Focus on YOUR pain. The moment you decide to go NC, it's for YOU - not AGAINST THEM.
9. Delete or temporarily delete from your iPod and/or MP3 player any songs which remind you of the POA. It could be a song you heard when you met. It could be a song that's "your" song for them. It could be a song that makes you think of them. No matter what, do not expose yourself to the music for a long time.
I'm on the fence about telling the POA that they are being No Contacted. Some POAs deserve to be told, others do not. I've had NC pulled on me, and it hurt. But I got the hint. If you're fortunate, the POA will respect your silence and leave you be and allow you to GET THROUGH.
I edited this today - had forgotten to add my toughts on music for that is HUGE for me - as I'm sure it is for others.
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Post by Bluejay on Jun 14, 2010 20:46:52 GMT -5
Sexlessw, I love your list. Newbies, read it and then read it again. It's great to see all the info organized like that. Thanks Sexlessw!
It took me a long time to realize exactly what NC meant beyond the obvious. I've had NC for 14 months total now (as in no direct communication with my POA) but it probably took me about 6 of those months to actually implement everything on your list. It really feels liberating to finally let go of anything that is still holding you to your POA, like emails, momentos, occasional crumbs of information actively or passively sought, e-stalking etc. I consider those my "faking it" months in a way. Then after about six months, I was "making it" by cutting away everything. I knew I had to do it for my own good. I was tired of hurting and all the things I was doing at the borderline of NC weren't good for my recovery.
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Post by g on Jun 14, 2010 22:35:59 GMT -5
Thanks for that great list on how to go NC Sexless! I'm sure could add some points to 'How NOT to do NC' considering I tried and failed for 16 months Will try and put my thinking cap on later and give my two cents when I'm fully awake. G
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