Learning who I really am

[knowlove]

I have been soul searching lately. I am trying to find what it is that I need to make ME happy, what my needs and true wants are. For years I have not had an answer to this. I think I have said this before but someone once asked me what inspired me. I had no answer. This was over a year ago. I am still searching for that answer. I feel like somewhere along the way in my life I got lost. I lost ME and I lost what I was about, what I am. I feel some days I am a walking shell, doing my part and showing emotions I am expected to show. I feel like I need to reach far down within myself and pull all my feelings out, that they lie so deep I cannot get to them. I am not sure how to do this, what tools I need or how to figure it all out. I only know the answers are not coming and I am getting frustrated.
I know the answers will help me move on in my recovery. Although I have learned a few things and made correlations, I do not feel this has helped much in my healing. It shows where things have come from but not who I really am. This is something I really want to be able to do. Self seeking. I want to take care of me, the me who is hiding far down and refuses to come out and show herself. I do not know how I can take care of myself properly and do what is best when I do not know what is missing from my life that I seek out POA's. I wish these answers came so much easier.

[iwillsurvive]

Knowlove, I hear the pain in your words. I am sending you virtual hugs, but I also thought I'd ask you some questions (because that's what I do). Is there anything blocking your feelings such as an attachment to a POA either in real life or in your mind? Have you asked God to unfreeze your feelings? I recently did and that's when my hair was turned orange (but it's back to blonde so no permanent damage). If the foundations of your LRA are in infancy when you were pre-verbal, it may be your feelings that reveal what's underneath. For the things that inspire you, ask yourself what you liked to do as a child. Did you like drawing with crayons or painting or playing with playdough? Did you like to play sports? If so, which ones? Did you fly kites or skate or ride your bicycle? What made you happiest? Did you dream and make up stories in your head or create plays for your neighborhood? Do you remember what you hoped your future would look like? What subjects captured your interest in school? I know this sounds silly, but have you tried talking to your inner child? Reassuring her that you will be kind and loving and nurturing to her and keep her safe. Ask her what she needs? How she is feeling? Give her the love you offer to your grandson. Hope some of this helps. Praying for you.

[g]

IWS,
you just made me think of something too. I loved singing and dancing as a child and I loved imagining fantastic places with Sleeping Beauties and Prince Charmings. No surprise I'm an LRA is there?

But something else came to mind too. Relating to how I've been feeling today. My h always tells me that having an education doesn't make you smart. When I was a child my mother always used to tell me all the time that I was smart but had no common sense.


I'm going to blow a huuuuuuuuggggeeeee raspberry at them both. Knowlove, please join in and blow one at those that annoy you!!!


pppppppppfffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

[g]

Sorry for hijacking this thread....I'm in a funny mood today. My inner child is in a real strop.

G

[knowlove]

Thank you IWS! I do have a POA still in my life but honestly do not believe that is the problem. Ive been in this place so much that I would tell you if I felt he was in some way blocking my feelings but I can realistically look at everything in my life and see pretty clearly what caused me to be an LRA and why. My questions are now what sent me over the edge, what I am truly looking for and what is missing that is being fed by POA. I know pretty much what my feelings are for H. POA does not keep me from seeing it. I love H dearly, would never want to leave him and would be devastated if he did, however I have no sexual feelings for him and haven't in a long time. This could be since I found out he cheated and that one of his GF got pregnant and ended up having an abortion he paid for (although gee, I shouldn't be upset because heck, it could have been her husbands. Yes he said this. Im dead serious). When he had his drinking episode this weekend where he could barely speak and ended up staying in a hotel overnight because he couldnt drive home (after I called and called till 3am finally waking him from his stupor worried sick). Once I knew he was ok I didnt care. I used to be extremely angry. I wasnt. I realized I really do not care-besides worrying he could kill someone if he drove. So, know where I stand in my marriage, know if I did get caught Id die. I cannot even think of that. it makes me ill.
To your second question-I loved coloring and do so once in awhile. I love reading and do that as well. Enjoy taking walks which I have not done recently but plan to start up again. I still spend time daydreaming about POA. Something inside me enjoys that very much. Like POA, this is my escape from not only my life but from what I do not want to look at. This is what I want to find desperately. What am I refusing to (or not able to ) see? The fact that I have dreams I am always running from something tells me I am running but I have no idea what from. So, if you are able at all to follow what I am trying to say, I do realize some things clearly and other things I do not. I am not in love with POA nor do I feel like I will die without him. I care about him, I like him as a person and know he is filling something within me that has nothing to do with H but ME. I also have tried talking to my inner child at night and trying to comfort her as I KNOW she is there. I just wish the answers were easy to find.
Greta, I know you are not stupid and have plenty of common sense! Balh on people who say these things.
My mother never said things like that but she did make it clear we were an inconvenience unless she wanted out attention if she was lonely. We heard how we never should have been born, how she hated us, etc. There were times she was nice and caring but those bad times took them all away. She still to this day tells us how bad we were as kids. My sister and I want to tell her it was really that she was a terrible mother not that we were bad but we are too kind to do that.
Thank you both for your kind thoughts and words. IWS do you ever feel like you've given to everyone and now it's your time? That is how I feel right now, that I wan tto be selfish and make it all about ME.