My name is Toxic Shame

[g]

This poem moved me to tears this morning



My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception
In the epinephrine of your mother's shame
You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb
I came upon you before you could speak
Before you understood
Before you had any way of knowing
I came upon you when you were learning to walk
When you were unprotected and exposed
When you were vulnerable and needy
Before you had any boundaries
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soul
I pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt
worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I existed before conscience
Before guilt
Before morality
I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation
I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I live in secrecy
In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair
Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door
Uninvited unwanted
The first to arrive
I was there at the beginning of time
With Father Adam, Mother Eve
Brother Cain
I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems
I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage
The cruel remarks of siblings
The jeering humiliation of other children
The awkward reflection in the mirrors
The touch that feels icky and frightening
The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust
I am intensified by
A racist, sexist culture
The righteous condemnation of religious bigots
The fears and pressures of schooling
The hypocrisy of politicians
The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person, a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into
A bitch, a kike, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, a selfish little bastard
I bring pain that is chronic
A pain that will not go away
I am the hunter that stalks you night and day
Every day everywhere
I have no boundaries
You try to hide from me
But you cannot
Because I live inside of you
I make you feel hopeless
Like there is no way out
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,
envy, judgment, power, and rage
My pain is so intense
You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses.
My pain is so intense
That you must numb out and no longer feel me.
I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experience absence and emptiness.
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

I am the core of co-dependency
I am spiritual bankruptcy
The logic of absurdity
The repetition compulsion
I am crime, violence, incest, rape
I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions
I am instability and lust
I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman, Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer,
Goethe's Faust
I twist who you are into what you do and have
I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

www.goddirect.org/mindemtn/writings/january/toxshame.htm

[g]

I can't stop crying. I can relate to so much of this poem that it frightens me. My child is terrified right now.

I am plagued by toxic shame


G

[g]

I've read Bradshaw's 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' and found it very enlightening at the time.

I came across this Counseling site today which gives techniques for actually heal toxic shame. Very detailed , very thorough account of how to 'give back' toxic shame that was given to you by parents, teachers, siblings and peers.

Writer suggests it takes a week to allow your thoughts and feelings to surface.


www.my-counseling-site.com/healing_toxic_identity_shame_2.html


I'm going to try it because I have huge problems dealing with shame and not just relating to my POA and EMA. I must also start working on my self esteem which is very low. This 'less than ' thing I have really drags me down
G

[quinn]

The poem you posted sums up the whole horrible situation pretty well. Underlying all the problems people have (depression, addiction, violence) shame is almost always at the core.

I read Bradshaw's book a long time ago and really liked it too. My other all-time-favorites on this topic are Alice Miller's books:

Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society's Betrayal of the Child
The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Childhood and the Roots of Violence

[serenity]

Its sticks to us like sludge so so that we think it belongs to us when it doesn't. I use this prayer to help set me free when i get a shame/guilt attack- 'In the name of Jesus, i declare myself not guilty'.

Thanks for the counselling link G, will have a look Here's a huge big hug from my inner child to yours xx

[knowlove]

Wow! How I so relate to that horribleness called Toxic shame. Yes it live sin all of us and why we are the way we are now. Greta, I am going to go to that site now and read. Thank you for this poem serenity!

[g]

I know that if we don't heal our toxic shame we pass it on from generation to generation.

Thank God I stopped passing the toxic shame onto my girls several years ago as the result of my perfectionism almost causing my daughter to drop out of highschool.

Now I have to work on the letter writing to those that passed their toxic shame onto me. My parents, my siblings, my ex bf, (and my h who still does it.)

As the counsellor on the site mentioned above suggests, we have to 'hand back the shame' to stop it consuming us. By writing letters from our inner child to those that conditioned us and filled us with shame from the day we were born, and even prior to our birth, we can release the shame and free ourselves, thus interrupting the vicious cycle for future generations.



G

[quinn]

A book I once read suggested that when you do inner child work, you should print (not write) in a journal with your left hand (or opposite of your usual hand) and use the kind of paper that kids use—the kind with the dotted lines that shows kids how high the capital and small letters should be.

I tried it and it was remarkably effective. Because it is so awkward and I had to really think about how to form letters with my non-dominant hand, I felt like a child. It really took me back to grade school and learning how to print—which is very useful at getting one into the inner child state of mind.

[g]

Writing with your non dominant hand is suggested in the exercise I mentioned above. Yep. I'll definitely try that. And I'm going to buy myself something to journal in.
I'd love to be able to get what we called 'Scrap albums' as children. They're big with rough paper of different colours. That would help me to really let my little girl express herself. Another book I read suggests doodling and drawing when you journal too.
I think I might put some drawings in my letters. I used to doodle a lot as a child. My teacher would accuse me of being distracted but I could repeat everything she had been saying.

I seem to remember that I always had to prove my worth to new teachers because I never made a very good first impression when our teachers changed.
G