Birth Trauma and Bonding

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My experience of pregnancy and giving birth first time was so traumatic for me. After a long extremely painful labour I had to have an emergency C section. There was no amniotic fluid left in my womb, my placenta was no longer allowing my baby to receive the nutrition she needed, the cord was wrapped round her neck twice and I felt responsible for not being a perfect childbearer.

It took me so long to bond with my baby and I can imagine how terrible it must have been for her to leave the safety of my womb. I remember grieving about her no longer being in my womb once she was born. My body wouldn't have let her go if it had been up to me.
Don't know where I'm going with this but I had to write it down
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My contractions became so violent that when the placenta detached and a C section became absolutely essential to save both my own life and my baby's, I remember thinking 'I want to die rather than have one more of these contractions'. They put a needle in my arm and I have no recollection of anything until my mother and h were by my bedside reassuring me my baby was alive.
I couldn't get out of bed and as there was only one wheelchair for the whole ward, I didn't get to see my baby until I was able to get on my feet almost three days later.
Seeing my tiny skinny baby for the first time was an amazing experience but when I managed to wake her and she opened her eyes and 'looked into' mine.
The joy didn't last long as nursery rules were strict and I had to leave after 30 mins. Feeding was every three hours so of course I got to see her. She wasn't keen on breastfeeding and that didn't help but when I found that she had been taken to the ICU I fell into deep depair. Nightmare situation in a hospital that was like something I'd imagine to find in a third world country but I'll leave all the gory details out.

I do think the events surrounding my daughter's birth really did stop us bonding. I had a love hate r/s with her for many years and I'm well aware I demanded perfection of her. Anything less was unacceptable and as she was hyperactive that made life even more difficult. Add my interfering mother who lived downstairs and kept telling me how selfish I was and that now I was a mother there was no such thing as ME time, a h who was too young to embrace fatherhood fully and postnatal depression that was not even recognised at the time...well, not exactly the best mothering experience is all I can say.

My r/s with my daughter, 22 yrs later , is better than ever. I broke the cycle of toxic shame when I let go of my perfectionism, and bonded completely last year when I was so distraught that I confessed my EMA to her. I lay my soul bare to my beautiful sensitive daughter and she soothed my tears in a reversal of roles where I was the vulnerable child and she the calming level headed adult. She told me she loved me and that I was a wonderful mother. That she understood how her father had driven me to despair and that I had put up with far too much from him for far too long. I knew I was responsible for my actions and that I should never have done what I had but the fact that I felt loved unconditionally helped me a few months later when I finally ended my EMA.
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Have been reading all day about birth trauma. Adults often have fear of the dark and closed spaces due to birth trauma.

My daughter was trapped in my womb and didn't even engage. I was 1cm dilated after ten hours of labour and the Gynaecologist kept insisting I was exaggerating about the pain caused by my contractions - the monitor was broken it was later discovered. And my contractions were so strong my placenta detached and a situation arose that was life threatening for us both because of an internal hæmorrhage.

How traumatic must that lack of oxygen and no 'escape route' be for a foetus???

To this day, my daughter will not sleep with the door closed and must have a night light on as she is scared of total darkness.
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[knowlove]

Greta, how awful an experience for you to go through! I was a breach birth so had lack of oxygen, a twin, and weighed only 3 lbs when born so was in the hospital for a month.................alone. I am sure this had some effect on me as I have been reading all you have sent me and also from what Prim has said. I want to learn much more about Primal therapy and se eif I can find a therapist near me. So far. no luck!

[lotus]

Thanks for sharing. I think this is a good reminder of how important it is to make the birthing experience as positive as it can possibly be to avoid trauma to Mom and Baby. Even when there are medical emergencies involved, the people around Mom can help reduce the trauma.