Post by trout46 on Jul 30, 2010 13:29:57 GMT -5
As many of you know, I have recently experienced a significant breakthrough in my recovery. More than significant, it was truly miraculous, as I honestly felt that I would always suffer the relentless obsessions of longing, regret, fantasy, and desire for the POA. That I would always have a knot in my stomach, and be plagued with the anxiety of loss, despair, and shame.
As we end the month, it is clear to me that July was a very auspicious month for me—a period of time when all the efforts of this painful struggle would bear fruit. I dedicated myself to recovery this summer, became willing to do anything and everything I could to save myself from a life of pain and anguish. I worked hard, posted and rea;, studied your progress and learned what I could discern from your experiences; visited my best friend in NYC; and returned from that trip with a heightened sense of dedication, and an intensity and willingness to progress like I have never before been able to muster.
Looming, of course, was the inevitable fact that—like it or not—my life would change from one of N/C with POA, to one of LC Come mid to late August, I will again be colleagues with the POA. I will see her in the hallways, sit through faculty meetings together, hear her voice, and know that she is around. Given this very real circumstance, I was driven to make progress. I prayed to my HP constantly, and ultimately surrendered my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life to Him. And it bore fruit.
God made recovery possible. I’m not sure which moment it was, exactly, but over the course of a three or four day period, beginning last Saturday, I came to understand things clearly. The POA is truly a narc; I have been under the hypnotic trance of the narc-POA; I had increasingly given up myself--my social self--over the years we were together; and, most incredibly and amazingly, I was free! I was free of the control, the grasp, the delusions; and I was also free of the obsessions. My long lost self was returning, slowly coming back into my consciousness. This is who I am! Thank God!
This all happened so very quickly that I couldn’t keep up with the rapidly unfolding nature of the revelations and changes taking place right inside of me; in my body as well as my mind. I could feel them though, and they were unmistakable. I WAS FREE!! My post a few days ago on “Seeing Our POAS for Who They Are,” was as much a “coming out” party as it was a disclosure of all that had been revealed to me. I absolutely reveled in my newfound freedom! Like a child set lose in a candy store, I couldn’t grab everything fast enough; my bag runneth over. I had no complaints. Only praise for God and his works and Grace. Thank you for having delivered me!
Then yesterday, without warning (at least not any that I detected), I simultaneously smacked into a wall and drove off a cliff! (WTF?!) I reacted with pure, unadulterated energy to something that had been said to me, with a ferocious response. A response that was clearly disproportionate to what had been said, imagined, or done. And rather than sit for a few minutes on my reactions, as I ordinarily do, to provide myself with an opportunity to check myself and my emotions, thoughts, imaginations, fears…whatever—I just let it rip.
Not surprisingly, my actions resulted in some confusion and hurt feelings. I had not intended for that to happen. The fact that I had so clearly and intensely reacted, without any hesitation whatever, sent me on a quest to gain insight into what had just happened, and why. I shared this with a close friend, who only had to ask, what was behind the fact that I had been triggered, to find the answer.
Waiting, impatiently as it turns out, behind my extended manic celebration of having escaped the veil of the narc, was my wounded and hurting little child. I devoted considerable time over the past few months to digging up the circumstances of my youth to confront the sources of my adult insecurities. It was a painful process, but necessary, I believed, if I had any hope of living a healthy, functional life. The vast majority of what I found were situations involving my father—a man who was extremely critical of me, belittling, and who terrified me and scared me senseless with his rage and uncontrollable temper. I identified these wounds and issues, worked them into a new fourth step format, describing them in some detail. And while I understood them, I realize I had not done the work of defusing their negative power over me. So, in the midst of celebrating my deliverance from the narc, I neglected the ongoing pain of the inner child.
I couldn’t hide from the work and the pain that my inner child represented. In my enthusiastic triumph over the POA, I neglected the need to move on to this important work, and do everything I could to release my inner child from the burden of the intense pain he still feels, and that definitely manifests itself in my everyday life as insecurity, fear, and self-doubt. Enough already! I need to be free from it all. So now I know what to turn my attention to next.
As we end the month, it is clear to me that July was a very auspicious month for me—a period of time when all the efforts of this painful struggle would bear fruit. I dedicated myself to recovery this summer, became willing to do anything and everything I could to save myself from a life of pain and anguish. I worked hard, posted and rea;, studied your progress and learned what I could discern from your experiences; visited my best friend in NYC; and returned from that trip with a heightened sense of dedication, and an intensity and willingness to progress like I have never before been able to muster.
Looming, of course, was the inevitable fact that—like it or not—my life would change from one of N/C with POA, to one of LC Come mid to late August, I will again be colleagues with the POA. I will see her in the hallways, sit through faculty meetings together, hear her voice, and know that she is around. Given this very real circumstance, I was driven to make progress. I prayed to my HP constantly, and ultimately surrendered my powerlessness and the unmanageability of my life to Him. And it bore fruit.
God made recovery possible. I’m not sure which moment it was, exactly, but over the course of a three or four day period, beginning last Saturday, I came to understand things clearly. The POA is truly a narc; I have been under the hypnotic trance of the narc-POA; I had increasingly given up myself--my social self--over the years we were together; and, most incredibly and amazingly, I was free! I was free of the control, the grasp, the delusions; and I was also free of the obsessions. My long lost self was returning, slowly coming back into my consciousness. This is who I am! Thank God!
This all happened so very quickly that I couldn’t keep up with the rapidly unfolding nature of the revelations and changes taking place right inside of me; in my body as well as my mind. I could feel them though, and they were unmistakable. I WAS FREE!! My post a few days ago on “Seeing Our POAS for Who They Are,” was as much a “coming out” party as it was a disclosure of all that had been revealed to me. I absolutely reveled in my newfound freedom! Like a child set lose in a candy store, I couldn’t grab everything fast enough; my bag runneth over. I had no complaints. Only praise for God and his works and Grace. Thank you for having delivered me!
Then yesterday, without warning (at least not any that I detected), I simultaneously smacked into a wall and drove off a cliff! (WTF?!) I reacted with pure, unadulterated energy to something that had been said to me, with a ferocious response. A response that was clearly disproportionate to what had been said, imagined, or done. And rather than sit for a few minutes on my reactions, as I ordinarily do, to provide myself with an opportunity to check myself and my emotions, thoughts, imaginations, fears…whatever—I just let it rip.
Not surprisingly, my actions resulted in some confusion and hurt feelings. I had not intended for that to happen. The fact that I had so clearly and intensely reacted, without any hesitation whatever, sent me on a quest to gain insight into what had just happened, and why. I shared this with a close friend, who only had to ask, what was behind the fact that I had been triggered, to find the answer.
Waiting, impatiently as it turns out, behind my extended manic celebration of having escaped the veil of the narc, was my wounded and hurting little child. I devoted considerable time over the past few months to digging up the circumstances of my youth to confront the sources of my adult insecurities. It was a painful process, but necessary, I believed, if I had any hope of living a healthy, functional life. The vast majority of what I found were situations involving my father—a man who was extremely critical of me, belittling, and who terrified me and scared me senseless with his rage and uncontrollable temper. I identified these wounds and issues, worked them into a new fourth step format, describing them in some detail. And while I understood them, I realize I had not done the work of defusing their negative power over me. So, in the midst of celebrating my deliverance from the narc, I neglected the ongoing pain of the inner child.
I couldn’t hide from the work and the pain that my inner child represented. In my enthusiastic triumph over the POA, I neglected the need to move on to this important work, and do everything I could to release my inner child from the burden of the intense pain he still feels, and that definitely manifests itself in my everyday life as insecurity, fear, and self-doubt. Enough already! I need to be free from it all. So now I know what to turn my attention to next.
