I'm at a loss ...

[jfriend]

Hey everyone. As has been common for me, I've been out of the loop lately - too lazy to even post. It's my summer vacation, I'm experiencing the depression from the opiate withdrawal (dang, this lasts a long time), and have come to realize that some of this depression is MORE than simply opiate withdrawal. On top of everything, what plagues me "day in / day out" is obsessing over my ex. It just doesn't seem to end; and what's more, it's all I ever write about on here. It's one of the reasons I don't post any longer - it's the SAME ol' stuff. Anyway, something happened today which brought me to the board - I don't know where else to go.

I finished my Fourth Step this morning, and was ready to give my Fifth today. I met my sponsor at the 10:00 AM meeting I go to every Sunday (which is downstairs in a shopping center / mall), and we planned to go to my apartment after the meeting. Well, guess what! The last contact I had with my ex was when I was in rehab - the beginning of April. Ever since then, there has been 100% NC - no contact whatsoever. She doesn't live too far from me, and needless to say, I often look at cars driving down the road (almost obsessively) to see her car. But, aside from a few cars which "may" have been hers (or maybe not), I haven't seen anything. Again, there has been no contact of ANY kind.

So, I'm sitting in my meeting, I look up, and I see my ex walking into a store which is directly above the meeting place. My heart began pounding. I knew she usually was in church during this time, and considered it a "safe time". Even if she wasn't in church, I didn't think she'd be coming to this "part of town". In the past, I'd gone into this store with her; however, it didn't occur to me I may see her - especially given the time. I had to walk outside for air - and I almost walked upstairs to see if her car was in the parking lot - to confirm it was her (I didn't get a good look at her face, but I know her body/clothes quite well). Anyway, after the meeting, I told my sponsor about it, we walked out to our cars (he was supposed to follow me to my place), and sure enough - it was her. Her car was literally ONE car over from mine ... there was just one car in between us. I would assume she had to see my car since she parked so close. But perhaps not - perhaps her mind was on her "new life" and she didn't even notice my car. I know ... this is a lot of information - you are all seeing me in total "obsessive mode".

I ended up having my sponsor follow me to my apartment, did my Fifth Step (which took three hours), and then read Steps Six and Seven. All the while, my body has been 100% out-of-sorts. I can't believe this. Last night, I was talking to a friend - a great friend - whom I haven't spoken to since I went into rehab. I was telling him about this long period of NO contact, how I still obsess about her all the time, and how lonely/depressed I am, etc. I really told him I wanted God to give me a sign.

I simply can't believe how odd this has been. First off, that I saw her right after telling all this to my friend last night. Secondly, that I was committed to give my 5th Step - so I HAD to leave quickly - my sponsor was "ready to go". If I didn't have to do my Fifth Step, I could have very well walked into that store and spoken with her. I'm REALLY tripping out on this.

If this program is all about our Higher Power - which I believe it is, then what was my HP trying to show me? Was it a sign that I should contact her? Did she have ANY idea I was around - did she even notice my car? I'm just so darned blown-away by all this. I've never been SO tempted to text her as I am now ... and it's going on FOUR months of total NC. I noticed she had a nice dress on (like I said - I didn't even see her face clearly ... just knew it was her). Her car seemed very clean. Yes, ALL silly, obsessive details, and yet ... the mind got to racing, "She's doing GREAT without me!" And all those thoughts.

I guess I just needed to share this and vent - get this off my back. Rather than the "relief" of the Fifth Step (which I gave to my sponsor), there was just this gnawing feeling inside me - I was out-of-my-mind after this close encounter. So here I am ... posting here right now instead of texting her. I should, once again, state this: it was ME who screwed up - she was a good person, and I relapsed on pills and chose drugs over her (but wanted her back once I was in rehab).

My friends, I would have never guessed that this pain would last this long. I don't want to ruin it for any people with less time of NC ... but I'm SO amazingly bummed that I have seemingly lost all perspective and don't seem to have much recovery from this. I envision myself (if I ever run into her) being strong and healthy ... and yet, I nearly fell apart - I could barely walk out of the meeting, and go upstairs to the parking lot.

That's about it - I just wanted to get that out there and get out of my head for a second. It's been a VERY stressful day ... and I'm pissed that I had to see her - I've done so good at NOT contacting her - and then this, parked one car over from me in a huge parking lot! And, MINUTES before I gave my Fifth Step. I simply don't know what my HP is telling me (if anything at all).

Thanks for listening to my ramblings - as always, any feedback is welcome!

j

[trout46]

Jfriend!!

My dear hurting friend, it is so incredibly wonderful to see your name and post on the board!! I can't begin to tell you how much you have been missed. I have definitely missed you, and honestly, was worried about you. I'm so sorry that it is the deep, relentless pain of withdrawal and love addiction that brings you back, but it is consistent with everything that I have known and experienced about love and relationship addiction. It more than sucks! This addiction is the worst emotional malady I have ever suffered, ever heard of anyone suffering, and will rock you to the core, as you know so well.

Reading the opening sentences of your post makes me want to grab you by the shoulders and say, please don’t ever think or feel that the endless painful obsessions you have experienced render you hopeless. Do you think we haven’t all experienced the relentless, intense, never-ending, and unbelievably painful obsessions over our POAs? I’m so terribly sorry that you came to feel that because your posts were always describing your endless cycles of pain, you stopped posting! I worried, as I’m sure many of your other friends here have, that it was pain that has kept you away.

It is only very recently, as a result of working actively on my addiction on a daily basis, that I have begun to experience some relief from the pain. And with the relief, I have come to see my POA for what she really is—in my case, a narcissist who I allowed to completely mesmerize me, and to whom I surrendered my very self. To say I had her on a pedestal would not come close to capturing the dynamic that existed in our past relationship.

I tell you in all honesty, sincerity, and with humility, that to recover means to now surrender your withdrawal by giving it completely to your HP, while you work every day toward recovery. There can be no delay or putting the matter in temporary suspension. It will always be there when you awake!
I also want to say that you have taken sufficient responsibility for your opioid addiction. You are not universally, completely, and solely responsible for the failure of the relationship. That is your addiction talking, not you. You must work to pierce through such thoughts. By holding on to the conviction that you are solely responsible for your gf’s decision to leave, you are actually blocking your own recovery. You are NOT responsible for it all! You are NOT bad! You are a human being; one that happens to have fallen into an addiction with another, imperfect, human being.

As for your HP and the “sign” of seeing your gf today, I don’t know. I do know that I once used to watch for every micro movement and circumstance involving my POA, and at times had thoughts like you. I don’t know if this applies to you, but I know that in my case, the “signs” I felt my HP was sending me were again, my addiction talking to me.

Don’t feel hopeless. The condition isn’t terminal unless you surrender to it without turning to your HP and the steps. I sincerely hope to see you here—often. I know that I can say with great confidence that everyone here feels the same way.

I will also write you privately.

[rickfaith]

we are sick puppies, and it helps make us well when we accept that, and realize the simplicity of step one, no matter how hard it is or what the cost.

[quinn]

Jfriend,
I'm so glad you wrote and want to ASSURE you that posting obsessively about the same topic or same feeling is part of recovery—not something to ever feel badly about or to avoid.

When events seem to strangely synch up the way you are describing I always think they mean something too. I think those kinds of occurrences come from our HP and they are meant to tell us we are on the right track or to help us learn something, or to give us a chance to grow. I think it's highly unlikely it was a sign to follow POA however. I would be much more inclined to think HP was showing you how important it is for you to be in meetings, how lucky you are to have a sponsor, how much the 12 steps can help you, how you can accidentally see her and choose NOT to follow her, etc.

Also, I know that when I get triggered the way you are right now, I feel like I have regressed all the way back to the beginning and will have to suffer for months before NC starts to feel doable again. But that has never been the case. In reality, if I go back to NC right away, the suffering doesn't last nearly has long as it did the first time and I can remember much more quickly who POA really is (ie—not good for me, a narcissist, etc.)

I hope you keep writing. And remember, nothing is hopeless when you're in contact with HP.

[jfriend]

Hey guys - thanks so much for the replies. Trout - what can I say? You always have such insightful things to say ... and you DEFINITELY know where I'm at. Rickfaith - I concur with your sentiments. And Quinn - thanks for the response - I'm glad you can relate.

Quickly, before I turn it, let me just say that I did NOT get in contact with my ex today, of which I'm glad. Regardless of ANYTHING, contacting one's POA in this state of mind is not fair to either party. In addition, the only thing I know for sure is the facts, which are simple: She went to a store which was above my meeting place, and she parked close to me. Anything else is the "fluff" I choose to add to those facts ... and I think it's best to skip the fluff. There were no notes, no texts, etc. If there's one thing I've learned from the program, it's the necessity to keep it simple. So, right now, I choose to do that.

Thanks again, my friends!

[g]

Hey jfriend! So glad you're back and as Trout says you have indeed been missed.

Like you, I just couldn't stop blaming myself for things that went wrong with my POA. Then, when I finally found out about LA I realised there was a reason for my insanity and decided I had to do something before I completely lost my mind.
Thank God, I started working the steps, admitted I was indeed powerless and that my life was unmanageable. It was only when I surrendered all my suffering to God that I began to live again.
The obsessing about being with my POA turned into an obsession about how I was to blame for everything and that the triangle I had been in meant that did not deserve to be be happy again. How could I have done what I did to my h, to my daughters, what would people think of me if they found out...

Again I had to admit I was powerless over all these things and handed over to HP.

Jfriend if only you could see the HUNDREDS of posts I wrote in the early months of recovery! Don't be afraid to post. Don't be afraid to reach out here!
Nobody will understand you better than those of us who are obsessive and love addicts.

Posting and sharing your pain will actually help you to see that your POA is not the answer. Your obsessive longing for her is nothing but a way of avoiding the real issues you have and that you will be able to identify by working the steps thoroughly.
I've been on my 4th Step for 8 months and really digging into my past and discovering things I had no idea of only a few weeks ago.

I feel almost ready to move onto my 5th step because I have left 'no stone unturned' when carrying out that fearless inventory of myself.

I've put the stick down and stopped beating myself tho and that's why I feel I can actually move on now.

Letting go of any dream of ever being with my POA was also key for me and allowed me to start looking after myself and my own needs. Maybe letting go of your dream of getting your POA back will finally help you to go forward.

Stay with us jfriend. You are with friends here.
G

[iwillsurvive]

So glad to see you've posted jfriend! Was worried about you and missed your posts. Like others have said, please don't worry about people judging your posts. We have no room to judge because all of us have our times of obsession.

I agree with trout and others that the demise of your relationship is NOT all your fault. Your POA is not perfect. No one is.

Glad you didn't contact POA today. This is a time for you to be healed and strengthened and to come to understand the things that have led you to substances and POAs. Your HP wants to free you from the bondage of addiction to anyone or anything.

We are here for you. As love and relationship addicts, we get what withdrawal feels like and we know the pain can be so intense. So glad you're in AA, but I hope you continue to work the LRA program because it targets what for many people is a foundational addiction.

Depression is tough, but it WILL lift. Surrender to your HP and join us in recovery from LRA. On our own, we often fall but together we are strong.

Again, so glad to see your post. You were missed.

[knowlove]

Hi Jfriend,
So glad you came back here to post! never, ever feel like you are posting too much! That is what we are all here for and if we weren't supposed to post over and over, none of us would be here!
Oh how I relate to your obsessing and over analyzing! I too looked obsessively in person and online everything I could for POA AND would try to "run into him" and see his car everywhere (this is revious POA).
Jfriend I believe that there are no coincidences and that things do happen for a reason. I agree with Quinn. Look at where you were when you saw her. Your meeting. You weren't walking to your car and bumped into her or out somewhere and smacked dab ran into her. You were in a meeting to recover. Also the fact that your sponsor followed you home and stayed. To me it says I am going to give you glimpses so you can slowly be ok with this. I think HP was showing you 1)He was there with you and HE would watch over you (hence your sponsor going with you) and 2) You CAN handle seeing her and be strong(you did NC!!). So, the obsessing is not unusual, the feelings of longing and wishful thinking and missing her is not unusual. You CAN get through this. We are all at different stages and m=some can do it quickly, other cannot. You know we all do not judge here nor do we condemn you if you are still hung up on her. That's what we LA's have trouble with! If it was that easy, heck, none of would be here right? I am so glad you decided to post and tell us how you are doing. You were missed and we love hearing from you. Take heart Jfriend, we've all been or ARE currently in your shoes.