Post by knowlove on Aug 1, 2010 8:51:06 GMT -5
Last night I started feeling strong feelings of conflict within myself. This is not anything new per se but I am finding feelings I felt were pretty much resolved are not, just put far down inside and I am holding on to dear life to stay grounded and not aloow these feelings to surface.
Two nights ago while sitting around talking with my h's family one sister brought up seeing a former employee, one my husband not only had an affair with but potentially got her pregnant (she was married and said she thought it might be his but they weren't sure). My SIl does not know this went on and went on to talk about seeing this girl, how she is a whackjob, how she tans constantly is thin and looks terrible. She looks over at my H and says you remember her, right? It brought up some bad feelings. My daughter then tells me yesterday she was speaking with he rbest friend whose mother used to work for my H and his family. The Mom had told her daughter (my daughter's best friend) how my husband had cheated with their babysitter. My daughter also said she asked a bartende rif she ever slept with my H and she said no but someone had once walked in the office on him and another girl. It was all I needed to hear. The anger came back and then something funny happened. I found myself wanting dearly to hang onto H and not let go of the good feelings. I saw POA in my head and wanted nothing to do with him. I know deep inside my little girl is scared for some reason, scared to deal with all the pain and hurt surrounding all this and also what I dealt with as a child. How do I get to these feelings without closing up? I WANT to feel the anger and pain because Ive put it away for so long. I know I need to do this but cannot seem to reach it. My walls go way up and no matter how I try to reach within, something or someone will not allow me to get to thes every much protected feelings.
Anyone have an suggestions how to get to these so I can finally heal myself of all these old painful wounds? I cannot recover if I cannot deal with this.
Two nights ago while sitting around talking with my h's family one sister brought up seeing a former employee, one my husband not only had an affair with but potentially got her pregnant (she was married and said she thought it might be his but they weren't sure). My SIl does not know this went on and went on to talk about seeing this girl, how she is a whackjob, how she tans constantly is thin and looks terrible. She looks over at my H and says you remember her, right? It brought up some bad feelings. My daughter then tells me yesterday she was speaking with he rbest friend whose mother used to work for my H and his family. The Mom had told her daughter (my daughter's best friend) how my husband had cheated with their babysitter. My daughter also said she asked a bartende rif she ever slept with my H and she said no but someone had once walked in the office on him and another girl. It was all I needed to hear. The anger came back and then something funny happened. I found myself wanting dearly to hang onto H and not let go of the good feelings. I saw POA in my head and wanted nothing to do with him. I know deep inside my little girl is scared for some reason, scared to deal with all the pain and hurt surrounding all this and also what I dealt with as a child. How do I get to these feelings without closing up? I WANT to feel the anger and pain because Ive put it away for so long. I know I need to do this but cannot seem to reach it. My walls go way up and no matter how I try to reach within, something or someone will not allow me to get to thes every much protected feelings.
Anyone have an suggestions how to get to these so I can finally heal myself of all these old painful wounds? I cannot recover if I cannot deal with this.
