Getting used to myself

[knowlove]

Maybe first step would be asking yourself why you think you have gone back? What "need" did you feel to go back at this point?
I understand your not wanting to bond and that is probably a good idea right now,especially after what you went through this last time. Answering some questions to yourself in writing and then looking at them might help you get some insight into why.
I do this a lot in journaling so I can go back and see what I was feeling at a specific time and find it very helpful. Just a suggestion!

[trout46]

Rick: I went through a very similar episode with my ex-w/POA. After separation and divorce, we came back together last September. At that time, I thought that getting back together was the only thing I could possibly want, and I went after it and into it full bore. After a two or three months of being together again, I couldn't hide from the fact that I wasn't happy--at least not as happy as I thought I would be. (I had been doing better and better through the separation and divorce process. It was very difficult, but I was doing better.)

Then in January, we broke up again--for good. The breakup, which I didn't see coming, threw me into total and merciless despair. Ugly, dark, awful despair, and relentless obsession about her. It was that terrible and uncontrollable pain that led me to LAA. I learned a lot here--including the fact that I am not the only soul on this planet whose entire existence revolved around obsession over his ex-w. I learned about N/C, and implemented it. I'm still in pain and still obsess terribly, but I am improving.

I tell you this because when I was new here, I remember well your terrible pain over your POA. And like me, after getting back together again, you now have doubts about being together. Sounds like you aren't as happy as you thought you would be. You are in an excellent position to continue to pursue your process of self-discovery, so that if your relationship ends, you won't end up like I did.

Knowlove: Very good questions. Good for me to ponder. It's all restrospective at this point, but critically important nevertheless.

I used to journal faithfully last year, and found it to be a valuable process. For some reason I haven't gone back to it, but realize that I should. I spend a lot of time posting on the LA sites, but I don't have the kind of temporal record that a journal provides. Much harder to look back and study the development of my issues, and how my thoughts and feelings have changed. You have inspired me to commit to journaling again. (Too many people in my life have suggested it for me to ignore their thoughtful suggestions any longer.) Thank you!!

[iwillsurvive]

Not sure if you'll find this relevant, rickfaith, but here's my experience with two on-again, off-again relationships. My ex-h/POA and I separated but continued to see each other for about six months. He filed for divorce but put it on hold. After the six-month period, he moved back in and I naively thought everything would be fine. Six months later, he left again with no explanation.

I was so devastated by the separation, reconciliation and separation/divorce (like trout's situation), that I became very depressed and then sick with mono. Six months after the mono, I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of ovarian cancer. I mention the mono and cancer because I learned that depression suppresses the immune system and viral illnesses such as mono often precede a cancer diagnosis.

I was very addicted to this ex-h/POA. He was the one who just emailed me and for the first time, I didn't respond. It's been eight years since we've been together, but it took six years to truly get over him. This POA strung me along with flirtation and suggestions that he wanted to be with me.

I only wish I had known about LA during the many years I mourned our marriage. I was embarrassed to still be hung up on him for so long after our divorce. My family and friends were frustrated with my attachment to him. It was a kind of torture. I finally, finally have no interest in that POA. It's like the Wizard of Oz, who when exposed says, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." I no longer see this POA through the lens of love addiction.

For me, the "spell" was broken when I met another man last year who "trumped" the ex-h/POA. I don't recommend this as a way to get over someone, but it did work in this case. Unfortunately, the "new guy" turned out to be emotionally unavailable as well so I went through a period of grief over him.

The person I became involved with after the "trump" man turned out to be an active alcoholic (although functional) and also emotionally unavailable and self-centered. We dated for several months, broke up in October and then got back together at Christmas time. We broke up again in March. The first break up hurt, but the second break up was more painful and led me to seek help. I ended up here (which, of course, is good).

In the future, I'm going to be very careful before I reconcile with someone following a break up.

[primrose]

You know Rick, she can get well on her own, she really can. She doesn't need you to do it. You're not her teacher or therapist or guide. I hope you find the right path for YOU with this, her healing is not your responsibility. Being someone with superior knowledge in a relationship is a red flag for me because any "I'm the grown up, you're the child" stuff feeds my narcissism and conversely my worthlessness so fast. My husband is the same. We have to look at the power dynamic a lot in our marriage because it's been such a source of pain for both of us. I know you've got lots of recovery and therapy time under your belt, but you're early in your LA recovery, and she has none, that could be hard for you because the slogan "they'll make us sick before we make them well" is so true I think. I hope you can get the support you need to get you through that. I spent many a long year fighting about power with my husband, with both of us swinging between wounded child and critical parent, not having a clue what was going on. Trying to get well in a relationship where both people needed help was such a struggle for me. I hope it'll be easier for you now that she's willing. If you chose to stay of course. Big hug. P.

[quinn]

I had never heard the slogan "they'll make us sick before we make them well." This is so true. I spent my entire 20 years with POA trying to be his savior. I was going to fix his depression, his anxiety, his drinking, his sad lonely childhood, his communication difficulties, his inability to love. I often have to remind myself he is not my HP, but I must remember just as much that I am not his HP. It was never within my power to change any of this. The only thing I accomplished was to make myself sicker.

As for reconciliations, I understand the need to try again Rick, "just to so you know." My POA and I had several break-ups and then trying again and we always ended up in the same exact place. This included years of individual therapy and couples therapy. Each time I thought he was unhappy enough and that he had hit bottom and was ready for real change. Each time I was so ridiculoulsy wrong. Maybe it will be different for you. I hope it will be. But in the meantime, I agree with Prim. Her healing is not your responsibility and even if it were, it is not within your power to heal her. I hope you can stay focused on YOU and what you need while the two of you try again.

[recovery1st]

Good Thread.
Like your post Quinn.
Isn't that the truth! I never made my H better & I never made my qualifier better...but me...wow...what a toll it took trying.

When my patience, endurance, effort, energy, forgiveness, overlooking, giving, serving, availability, perserverence is used to BE an HP (the one that will be the difference in them & win their will over theirs) or because my will is theirs as my HP, I will come up empty everytime...sometimes come up owing!

I'm finding that my will turned to my HP, which is doing neither of the above, I grow, heal, find strength & motivation. A way better deal than the old way.

Yes RickFaith, we are no longer alone in our recovery. Much thanks for that each day. It was awful feeling that way alone & not even know what was wrong with me. It was scary. Today our bad ideas can be replaced with good ones when we share them too.

It's amazing how afraid of being alone I was...when I had spent my life alone in reality.

Have a great connection with your HPs today LA friends!

[quinn]

"Patience, endurance, effort, energy, forgiveness, overlooking, giving, serving, availability, perserverence." Wow, that's a great list Recovery. This is so exactly how I thought of myself and what I most prided myself on in my relationship. I was taught to be all of those things by a narcissistic mom so it has always come naturally to me and seemed that it was simply what was required if I was going to have a partner, or even friends. It's a really difficult mindset to change. I keep thinking that if I don't embody all of those qualities everyone will abandon me and I will be alone forever. Because why would someone love me if I'm impatient, tired, lazy, unforgiving, selfish, unavailable, and giving up? It's hard to figure out.

[rickfaith]

Part of getting used to me is getting used t the fact that there will always someone who will betray and try to F me. My solution to that is just dont let them ever again. I have lost so many pretend friends this year. As a LA that used to hurt a lot, now it is more like... well, who needs em? Last nite at an AA meeting a guy said, don't relive old hurts, and live in grace and mercy. I liked that so much i write it down. Sometimes i will confront those who hurt me, other times I just let them go because, they are not worth it, its not worth it to my sobriety. In LA people dont seem to use the word sobriety often. I like the word for it means I can have some peace of mind if i work for it, or just let go the negative and weak things that try and bring me down. My weaknesses are deep rooted...this year I found the core of me...the real, true core. It was not easy finding and facing that. But I am a better man for it...I am stronger, deeper...still exhausted from being a caregiver, but wiser for the hurt and betrayals, and the facing of my infancy issues. I am sure i will never be the same man again, not the one who kncoked and knocked on her door...and so desperate. I know deep down i wont do thjat again. I am not sure if her and I wil make it...but i am staying a little longer to try. I have new aawareness...my mental exhasution over the death of my father and taking care of my mother is still there, maybe not as bad as it was, but it isnt healed. But I know I have grown in that i will not let myself go down the codependent love addicted road to the point where i was this past year. Yes, I am sure i will be codependent love addicted again and perhaps always at times...but...not to the depths of despair and close to death, for this addiction almost killed me. I wont go back that far today because i dont need to. I have learned, i have grown and have new tools for this core issue. Grieving my inner infant has been so awesome...and thx to whomever posted the infancy issues information...or where ever i googled it...i dont even know...but it jumped off the page...i had done tremndous amoiunts of inner child work over the years...but never the infant specific work...but i cried so hard...kin therapy, for that little boy who was all alone in an isolated hospital, and didnt bond with his mother or anyone....and it was his memories that made the adult live in terror of abandonment. Healing is worth it. I am worth it. The hell with the ones who hurt me, I can recover, grow, heal, and i can be healthier than those around me too. I have outgrown some sick people and its time to move forward.

[not2bforgot10x]

I wanted to post an entry I posted on here earlier that I also posted on another board (I am feeling desperate right now). I am about to start getting used to myself this weekend.

I am writing because I am about to leave behind my addiction (toxic relationships) for the very first time in my life, which involves leaving my recent partner (a binge alcoholic, former addict, food binger, relationship addict, etc) and our home. I will be moving to another state, back where I had gone for school.

We will be 8 hours away. My question for those who have been in recovery, or simply possess knowledge on the issue is, should my recent partner and I (we have decided to break it off when I leave) still attempt to be friends? She has stated she wants to be friends and "build a friendship," but she is not in recovery (namely for alcohol), and doesn't think she has a problem. At the very least, she is not willing to admit she has a problem.

...This has caused me a lot of pain, and is part of the reason I am leaving; in addition to the fact that I see I have a problem myself -- attracting unavailable partners and toxic relationships.

My question (reason I am writing) is... when I leave here this weekend, do I cut off contact from her? What is your personal experience with this? ie, should two addicts not talk for "X" amount of time? The other thing I thought about was cutting off contact and telling her not to contact me until she seeks help, ie: goes to AA? Would it be fair of me to say this? ie, is this stating a boundary? ie, "I desire to not be contacted until you have made an active commitment to recovery."

I will be going to Alanon, and though I do not drink at all, I may go to AA just because it's more about having a problem (which I feel I do, with relationships) than Alanon, which often just believes people "care too much." I identify my "caring too much" as an addiction... paralleling drug and alcohol addiction.

At any rate, what would someone with years of experience in AA say to someone who is in my situation?

Feel free to ask any clarifying questions.

Update- I think I have decided that "No contact" (NC) would be best, but I am still leaving it open for discussion. At any rate, I am going to need a lot of support right now.

Anyone who has yahoo messenger and/or is willing to give out their phone # would be great, as I might need to utilize it. I am much more of a computer person though, so messenger may work better!

Thanks!