Bullying and LRAs

[g]

Bullying seems to come up again and again on these boards. Does the feeling of being excluded by our peers make us particularly susceptible to looking for attention and validation? I was wondering just how much that affects us as LAs
I was teased at primary school mainly by
The boys because of my olive skin. I always wanted to be blonde and fair skinned like many of my classmates and did actually consider myself as 'less than'. I don't obsess over it but I know that feeling is there. I was teased because I was muscular due to the sports I practised. 'Fat legs' was my nickname at primary ( one boy who called me that in particular but I'll never forget that). Another one was specky four eyes cos of my glasses.
I was a bit of an ugly duckling during my early teens and I think that's how I feel about myself to this day.
Being a very intelligent chid also caused me to be excluded, envied or teased. Hmmm I didn't care about being excluded for being special tho.
As I got older I cared less about what people thought about me but suffered for my sister. She's just a year older but has always looked younger than me. Petite, really slim, not academic and very popular with all the boys. My polar opposite actually. But she was picked on at highschool. Her group of closest friends turned on her and sent her the most offensive letter I've ever read. She had a nervous breakdown as a result and had to get psychiatric help. I was always the strong one ( or I pretended to be) and looked out for her throughout our teen years. I'm still very protective of her as a matter of fact.
Don't know where I'm going with this post but I'm in a weird mood this morning after a lot of reflection and discussion with our therapist friend last night.

Think I'm just realising that there is nothing wrong with being 'different' from most people. Conforming to stereotypes or standards that I don't naturally identify with just leaves me feeling trapped. I'm not 'less than' at all. Just 'different from'. And I don't want to be the same as everyone else.

[trout46]

Coincidentally, I was interviewed by a journalist doing a story on bullying earlier this summer. She sought a "sociological" explanation of the prevalence of this phenomenon, at least in the States. (I claim zero expertise on bullying; just happened to be individual she called that day. Could have been any of my many colleagues at the university.)

Not claiming a "rocket science" insight here, but I told her that bullying was really a social phenomenon. Bullies play to their audience--usually the bully's friends; but could also be the victim's friends; even a group of peers not associated with either the bully or his/her victim. Remove the audience from the encounter, and the bully is far less likely to to act out.

Assuming you accept that analysis, what would be the implications for defusing bullying within the fellowship? First and foremost, bullying behavior and the bully must not stand to gain any social recognition from others. If and when acts of bullying occur in posts, it is important that the bully not be fed with social recognition--which could take the form of fearful reactions, deferential comments toward the bully, or any other comments/actions that feed the bully's ego.

Beyond that, I really feel that the administrators should consider developing some guidelines for dealing with a range of troublesome behaviors that are all too likely to occur in any on-line fellowship, including ours. How should we as individuals and administrators respond to an act of bullying? Other troublesome behaviors and comments are even more likely to take place on our board. How should we approach members' acting out their L and R addictions? When should a post be removed? When should a member be warned or terminated for conduct which undermines the stability of the functioning of the board?

Good question/post Greta. These and related matters are things that WILL occur from time to time. I propose that the admin. group develop some tentative policies for these scenarios, post their suggestions, and open it for discussion in the fellowship.

Have to go catch a plane.

[g]

Great post Trout. I wasn't referring to the fellowship at all but thought about bullying earlier when I read Primrose and Moonlight's posts. I thought the topic deserved a separate thread.
I do see your point tho and think we do need guidelines for the board. Looking forward to continuing this discussion with all our members.
Have a safe flight and journey home!
G

[iwillsurvive]

Interesting topic greta. Reading your history of being teased over various external issues you had no control over reminds me of how teasing and bullying are so irrational and destructive. I experienced some of what you've described and it was very hurtful.

I've always thought that bullies look for weaknesses and insecurities. They can smell fear the way dogs and other animals detect fear. For someone like me who lacked self-esteem, I most likely communicated (without knowing) that I was a victim.

I came from a family of seven children and some of the bullying/teasing from siblings was worse than what I experienced outside my home. Sadly, some of that behavior continues even though we're all near 50. My brother-in-law said we behaved like the people on Survivor, creating alliances with one sibling or another. I think I've been kicked off the island for telling the family secrets in recovery. Oh well.

So, for me the way out of being batted around by the next bully is to work on boosting my self-esteem while recognizing my value and releasing my insecurities to God. It's the work I'm doing now on LRA on this board and elsewhere.

Trout, I really appreciate your input about bullying and especially your thoughts about how we need some safeguards on this board to stop bullies in their tracks. We need boundaries and especially because we're all human and in recovery for addictive behavior. We all have weaknesses and areas of woundedness that no doubt will be triggered. Glad you want to establish guidelines for the board greta. Sounds very healthy to me.

[rickfaith]

thats why i am so against crosstalk and giving advice...encouragement yes..advice no...unless asked for... we are all hypersensitive and we have to aware we are all capable of creating voltalie situations when we get caught in our head noise and our 'stuff'.

a guy in aa here always gives advice after each speaker...he is 80 years old...gives advice especially to attractive females... if you get my drift...a little unresolved stuff there maybe... anyway, it crates volatile situatilons as a few members have left feeling humilated at being singled out and told what to do in front of a crowd...lets face it ...crowd stuff is what helped make us sick...the humilation from bullying, shame, abuse, etc.

[serenity]

The thing that makes my Coda meetings so safe is that we state 'No cross talk and no advice to be given, if you want to talk to somebody about what they've sharded, do so after the meeting asking their permission first'.

[sexlessw]

Okay - I have to ask - sorry for the T/J - what is "Cross talk" - in the context you are describing?