'Old friends, new friends' and how we change.

[g]

My child is so needy. She wants company and she wants people to like her. She also knows sge can be a real pain in the neck and retreats into her dreamworld when she wants to protect herself from feelings of rejection.
Growing pains today. Have been out all morning with my shopaholic friend. I so admired her before but now my feelings of intolerance to her are growing. Her materialism and superiority complex is rather annoying. Never noticed it until I got into recovery.
Trying to get more positive feelings back for her but it isn't easy.
Need time with people who share my values and understand my predicament but seriously at risk of isolating and wanting to be only with my daughters or with 'friends' only in order to socialise. Can you socialise without feeling empathy for the people you are around? Can I be friends with people but not want to share their trials anf tribulations?
Why do I feel so close to all of you in recovery but so avoidant with those around me?
Scratching my head don't really expect anyone to answer my q's but I'm really wondering why I'm like this. Used to take on all my family's and friends' pain in real life but now there's a wall up. Not so with all of you.
G

[g]

Thanks Phoenix.
I never thought I was judgmental before or superior to others, but maybe I was. No, I definitely was. How could my so called friends have been my friends before otherwise? We'd spend hours shopping and planning stuff together. I've never been happy gossiping but I know I did it on occasion.
I really can't stand it tho when people tear others to pieces. And its usually just for the hell of it.
I'm finding it hard, really hard to spend time with anyone these days. Prefer my own company more than ever before. And of course interacting with all of you when that is possible.
G


Moonlight, your turn to move your post!

[Rilly]

Our friends come on many levels. Sure, I have lots of names on my friends list on facebook. But some are just acquaintances. Some were good friends when I was in school. Some are friends I talk to on a regular basis, but it is limited to a movie I saw or how far I ran during my workout. Then there are those friends that you trust enough to share problems with. They are rare. If you are married, then the main confidant would be your spouse.

However, there are many things that I share in these forums that I don't talk about with my wife. It is not that I am hiding anything, but some things, like how I cheated on her, our not great topics. As a fellowship we have a common purpose for being here. We understand each other in a way that people without the disease do not.


Rilly

[moonlight]

I've copied this from the other thread:

Hi Greta
I have had the same experience, have lost friends that I didn't feel connected with anymore. And I've gained a lot of friends as well. I think it's probably wise to start looking actively for new female friends that are open en trustworthy. And as to the old ones: I think your secret is also putting up a wall. I can't judge of course if they are trustworthy, but you don't really give the friendship a chance either when you don't share your main topic in life (the recovery). Possibly there's someone that can be trusted? Who knows, maybe she'll tell you a secret of hers as well or about private feelings, so that the friendship can go to a deeper level. But of course it's your call.

I just got offered extra work from a very unexpected side. I'm overwhelmed with surprise and happiness, but have to be real careful how much and what kind of food I'm going to put on my plate. It's not really big!

[sexlessw]

"Friends" - here is where being a love avoidant comes in for me.

I believe people come through our lives at various times. We become close, we share intimacy (not sexual), life drifts us away. This happens IRL on the job, during vacations, troubled times, and within our own families. Then, the common bond that we shared disintegrates. Which is OKAY.

We DO NOT need to hang on to every single person who has passed through our lives. We share, we grow - and at the end - the place where many of us are getting to - we DO NOT JUDGE them. We've become people who know how to become intimate and establish good boundaries.

You are making me reflect upon people who have come in and out of my life. I've cut ties to a few close friends (one is springing to mind - the best FOAD letter I ever wrote). I look back upon these people fondly for we shared things. They helped me become me. And I know I loved them deeply.

There are others, thru my adoption advocacy work, who contacted me in tears because of trauma. I stayed in contact with some for many years - but once they achieved the goal of actually finishing an adoption, our bond was severed. I actually had one lady say to me "If it hadn't of been for you SexlessW, I never would have been able to adopt my daughter from Eithiopia - not after the pain and misery I went thru with my Guatemalan experience."

My DH said about the above: "That's good. That means we have helped people and they are carrying on with their lives." Isn't that what we all want to do and achieve.

[g]

I open my home up for my friends. That's what I did with our dance group 3 yrs ago. We regularly went out dancing at weekends together, had dinner together once a week, had two dance lessons together a week. I've been their tourist guide, interpreter and holiday organiser as a way of expressing my affection to them all. Going as far as guaranteeing holiday bookings on my credit card based on trust.
One couple has disappeared from the group. I took it personally when they asked for a receipt for a couple of hundred dollars when I had booked a holiday for them costing almost 2K. I swallowed the lack of trust first time. Second time they did it I decided not to put myself out for them any more. There was also an incident in which the woman humiliated me in public by telling me to free up the seat I had just sat in because it belonged to her partner. Am I acting like a little schoolgirl by taking this stuff personally? Well. What you see is what you get with me.
I can be the most open loving giving person in the world then WHAM! You betray my trust more than once and you're unlikely to see or hear from me again. This little vent is due to my friend's behaviour at our dinner party last night.
I got confirmation from the people who are likely to become my clsest friends IRL. Our therapist friend and his wife.
HP brought us back together 3 yrs ago when my h got sick. C had the same brain tumour as my h and opened doors to one country's best surgeons. We had known each other for over ten years cos his wife taught my daughter and because our kids went to school together. Round that table last night there were all the people who have contributed to my h's life being saved but also affected my moral judgement and contributed to me finding even the thought of an EMA being acceptable. Not playing victim. Was given confirmation that some of people in our group are dragging us down and that h and I need to be with people who contribute to our personal growth and don't drag us down. C was discreet when he told us how he felt about one friend in particular but made it clear I have to distance myself from her as she is extremely troubled and in desperate need of professional help.
I knew she was 'bad for me'. I now have to make some painful decisions about our social group.
I must say that over the past few months I've stopped taking on her pain and avoid getting into deep discussions with her. She's LA thru and thru but sucks the blood out of me if I let her. It turned into a group therapy session last night bu 90% of the discussion was about her.
Have to meet up with C and his wife again today so that my h gets some one on one attention.
I'm exhausted tho and mosquitoes and allergic reactions are making me feel really run down. Roll on winter.
G

[g]

So difficult to write and edit posts from my bberry.10 days with no internet connection at home has really affected my posting and interactions. My bberry is a useful tool but it causes me stress and frustration too. Pls forgive my typos and disorganised writing.
G

[rickfaith]

sometimes we can become ovber analytic and hard on ourselves too.... I am my own worst enemy, i have been trying these last few monbths to examine what i call "How my brain actually thinks" .... for want of better term. I have been noticing just what it does, how and when it does it and why, and is it needed or neccesary..... try it...! It is Amazing how much psychological babble we got going on up there...i believe that THIS is a breakthroiugh for me! To see that not only is there a wounded inner child kinside...that needs emotional and spiritual help and nourishment, there is a damaged mind that learned to mentally think useless, uneeded, and damaging thought patterns!! For example... the dark cloud syndromes.... nothing will work for me, no one likes me, i cant, i wont, they dont, i am ugly, i dont desreve good things.... Than...as a result of those thoughts... I start to ,live that bull-loney! Without even knlowing i am doing it.... I am sabataging mhy own life...my own prescious earth time is being hammered by old patterns and old ways of thinking that are sooo powerful, deep, insideous, hideous, and appear out of nowhere like a train... rushing and roaring on a tyrack of frightening proportions...but my LRA friends... I DONT EVEN NEED TO RIDE THE DAMN TRAIN! I just do it unknowingly...useless wasted time suffering with psych bable in my head controlling my life... fear babble, doom babble, gloom babble... self destructive babble... ugly... (Thats not true!...I am a handsome man) Stup[id, (not true!!) have a high iq! peploe are talking aboput me and are agaisnt me.... (NO!!! most people are caught up in their own crap, and really have l;ittle or no time to spend on me!) So what if they do they dont make me, I do! But, the mind bable is controlling my life... like a virus in the drive!

Soooo... I am learning that when the babble hits.... try and go for a walk...walk through it, or rest, sleep, pray, do something that i am putting off and i will always feel better.

Thats my two cents worth... you will either relate or...get me committed!


xo

[rickfaith]

by the way...the babble is hard to hear or see or find...it is a part of my minds patterns and it takes work to see and corerect it. i been working at it for months now...and i tell ya... having the words to describe things is great.... psychological noise, fear babble, frightening train rush thoughts. Expose them...heal them...change... be better to me.

[rickfaith]

Its hard when my inner child throughs his fear messages around...and then the noise inside my brain starts churning out bad thoughts which turn to bad feelings...and sometimes even when i am alseep. The trick is to change the thought.

[CJ]

I hear you Rick. Just when things seem to be coming around, those voices fight for attention. They are the worst at night for me also; 3am seems to be the magic hour. My former therapist told me that this is very common with depression and other disorders; seems to be a physiological basis for troubling thoughts to appear in the middle of the night. Frankly, just wish they would have some manners and make an appointment during business hours.

[rickfaith]

they doan care man.... they jest thawghts... my best Gump impression on thawghts.

[serenity]

I've used Tolle's techniques of being the 'watcher' of my thoughts and it really helped me when i was in withdrawal. Its odd isn't it how the brain starts to behave when depression sets in. I used to wake at 6am without fail and it would feel like dooms day everyday. Our minds are amazing and the fact that we truly get to choose what we think is the best gift God has given us.

My prayers are keeping me sane at the moment, just being able to say God i am powerless over this person or these thoughts is such a relief.

[lotus]

It's important NOT to take on other people's pain. I too seem to be honing in on the character defects of other since recovery. It helps me figure out what kind of friendship I want with different people. Before, my decisions on who to be friends with was not logical at all. It seems like we have to meet a lot of people out in the "real world" before we can find those that we really connect with and who are also spiritually fit as we are or are striving to be.