Broke NC after four months ...

[jfriend]

Well, after four months - and a VERY hard last few couple of weeks ... I broke my NC. I was going to the store yesterday and I saw her in her car. I actually honked and waved ... and it was clear she saw me. I couldn't even go to the store - I just got a decaf coffee and headed straight home. When I got home, I sent her a text message - something to the effect of, "Nice to see you - it's been a long time!" She texted back, and then we spoke on the phone. She basically let out a lot of anger towards me - I've definitely been on her mind. She's been upset/hurt over the way I treated her during my relapse. As I've shared, I relapsed on pain pills from September to the end of March - and she was practically living with me during September through December. Until I ended it at the beginning of January. So, on the phone, she reminded me of many mean things I said, etc. I sincerely apologized for everything - I took full responsibility. We both admitted that we'd been thinking about each other lately; however, she has a lot of anger towards me. We spoke for about an hour, agreeing that we'll have to speak more about it in the future. Then, this morning, while getting blood drawn for my diabetes test ... I ran into a couple we went to church with last year. They asked about her, and I told her we were no longer together. This prompted me to text her and she texted back, etc. She said there were things which clearly needed to be said and asked me to breakfast tomorrow. I have a friend coming into town tonight (and staying at my place), so I told her I couldn't. But, I told her I missed what we had before I relapsed (which is actually true). She said she "missed some things, too." The final text (and embarrassed to admit this, but I want to be honest), I simply said, "You know we had something special"; whereupon she said, "I know we did, and I wasn't the one who seemed to forget it."

Anyway, those are the details - and for some silly reason, I felt the need to share them with you all. I'm definitely in full addict mode right now - feel like sending another text just to get a "fix", etc. It's funny, last night I thought to myself, "She took NO responsibility at all for any problems in our relationship". And, I was determined not to contact her again; however, this morning ... well, after I ran into those people, I guess that was just an excuse to text her.

I guess I just want (almost NEED) to know she cares about me. And, I think I can hang my hat on that and get on with things. And, I'll admit, part of me would like to get back together ... because I truly DO miss what we had last summer. I'm amazingly lonely, tired of being depressed, and would like to have someone love me. So ... that's about it, folks.

I'm pretty embarrassed, but I also feel the need to come clean with everyone on her. Feedback is welcomed.

j

[knowlove]

Hi Jfriend,
I applaud your coming here and being honest. I know from experience this is not easy. I too have been where you have been and know the high feeling and need to reach out and find easy excuses to contact.
All I can say is do not look at your past relationship with rose colored glasses. Make sure you know exactly what you are getting yourself into and why. We are all here for each other and do not judge. Just dont want to see you get hurt.

[iwillsurvive]

Hi jfriend,

Just logged on and saw your post. I'm glad you came on the board and let us know about the contact with your POA. Of course, we all understand how lonely it can be during NC and withdrawal. Last year I was also very busy and thought I was having a good time. In my case, it was the beginning of a downward spiral. Like knowlove, I'm concerned for you and your welfare. Glad you have a friend visiting right now. I have a friend coming in tomorrow and really looking forward to that. If you have a higher power or can imagine one, try to reach out to him/her and ask for help. Being grounded in the love of God as you understand him will help you not to act out this addiction. I'm here for you as are many others. We truly care about you.

[trout46]

Wow, jfriend, that was a huge experience. She has obviously been carrying many intense feelings about you, and it is understandable that you are having the reactions you've had, and I'm sure will continue to work through. Knowing that you are in "full addict mode" is a good thing to keep in front of you right now. It's great that you'll have a friend with you to share this all with. I hope you'll stay close to the board, and very close to your HP.

[g]

Hi jfriend.
Glad you were able to share your experience with us. You admit you are now in full addict mode. So at least you can identify what that desperate need for contact is doing to you.
What has just happened to you takes me right back when I was clutching at straws and trying to hold onto my POA. The anxiety, racing pulse, the high during contact, the crash as soon as the contact was over, the need to reestablish contact immediately in order to say one last thing, the loneliness and neediness not allowing me to think rationally.

Mine was an EMA, a triangle, and very different from your situation as my r/s was doomed to end. It was killing me to stay in that emotional limbo with my POA. But my addict just could not let go.

As I said, your situation is VERY different from mine. You do have a chance of reconciliation and of having a life together.

But one thing sticks out in your post and I can't remember you ever writing about it before.
You said that your POA took NO responsibilty for any of the problems in your r/s. Your rational brain has finally admitted it is NOT all your fault that things went wrong in your r/s.

I'd think about that if I were you because recognising that we are not to blame for everything that happens in our relationships is a very big step. It was an important realisation for me in any case.

Hand it over to your HP jfriend. Keep posting and sharing and perhaps you will be able to think more clearly and not be driven solely by your addict.
G

[CJ]

JF - You should not be embarrassed to post what happened. No one thinks any less of you. This must be a very difficult time for you. When I am really caught up with the obsession, I try to find something to do to distract myself, preferably away from surroundings that remind me of Poa. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn't. Take care of yourself.

[miztex]

JF,
Boy, have I been there. It is great that you came clean here; no one here will throw stones. Just a quick thought. What do you want her to say to you? What do want to be different than it was? Burn these thoughts into your brain and remember them when you are with her. But don't expect her to follow your script. Just know EXACTLY where your boundaries are. Good Luck! Obsession sucks, so go to the book store, ride go karts, or talk to a friend. We will be here for you.