Told POA Off

[iwillsurvive]

Let's just say I'm in touch with my anger. I never told my latest POA what I really thought about him, but he pushed and I unleashed the fury.

On Saturday night when my friend was visiting, POA says he got a phone call from my blackberry. If he did, I find that interesting because he is not on my contact list. Still, I do sometimes accidentally create a speed dial and maybe I did that when I called him in early July after drinking three margaritas on an empty stomach.

So, POA leaves me a rude voicemail and then an email about the Saturday night phone call and how it caused him "great difficulties." I replied and let him know the great difficulties he has caused me. Here's what I wrote:

"This is the second time you have complained about great difficulties and I have to say that your narcissistic behavior caused me a lot more trouble than you have experienced.

Your new gf sounds very insecure and should be since she is with an alcoholic who doesn't keep his word and is narcissistic as well. You could choose to get well but instead you deny your issues and behave like you are at an endless frat party.

How can you help your son when you are abusing alcohol? I think I know how you lost your medical clearance and your wife. You are lost. It is sad.

BTW, you gave me an STD. I haven't had sex with anyone else since I met you. You treated me with utter disregard at the end and it broke my heart because I believed you.

Now the STD and the betrayal are a lot more trouble than your girlfriend's insecurity and jealousy. She certainly doesn't have to worry about me because you have destroyed any fond feelings I ever had for you."

Feels good to get that out. POA's son is a drug addict. He was a pilot but doesn't have medical clearance to fly anymore. I'm guessing it was alcohol-related but he was very secretive about that and other things. We were in an exclusive relationship when I got the STD (a minor one) just before I broke it off.

I have never told him what I really think of him. Now I feel like I took my power back. Soon, I want to be neutral toward him. He doesn't deserve my energy or attention.

[primrose]

Hope that felt clearing P.

[iwillsurvive]

Yes it did prim. I also went to the gym and worked out the physical aspect of my anger. The POA/narc helped me in a way because he hit the button that unleased my anger toward my dad and him. I didn't stuff it this time and get depressed or sick. I feel lighter today.

[knowlove]

Good for you IWS. I am so glad you got out your feelings towards him and his whining because your cell "supposedly" called him. Cells usually call back the person you LAST spoke with. MY H's does it all the time and my old one used to.
It is always about them isn't it? Hope this felt like a great weight off your shoulders. I need to start exercising more and doing things to help me health wise, plus it does take out a lot of worry, frustration, etc off the mind.
When do you leave on your trip? You must really be looking forward to that. Very happy your daughter and SIL are doing much better!

[iwillsurvive]

Thanks knowlove! Yes, he's totally out of my blackberry now, but I may have accidentally assigned a speed dial letter or number to him. It was the first I knew of it. The blackberry sometimes does this even though I've never purposefully put anyone on speed dial. Of course, as a narc he thinks he is soooo incredible that I am just lost without him.

I think he will leave me alone now because he'll be afraid I'll tell him other things he doesn't want to hear. And if I see him around town, he will know that I am no longer under his spell. For that, I'm grateful. Actually, I'm glad he showed up in my life to shine a light on the things I needed to address in love and relationship addiction but I'm not going to tell him that. I will no longer feed his ego.

Back to working on me and not wasting energy on a POA. We're leaving early Sunday for Hawaii and I'm very excited. The island I'm going to has a special significance as a place of healing for me. I went there for a week by myself 20 years ago after my husband choked me. I'm staying in the same hotel and looking forward to being in that beautiful place.

[knowlove]

After your H choked you? nice guy huh?
Sounds like a fabulous trip for you to enjoy and I bet is is absolutely beautiful! Happy you are doing things for yourself. I find I get frustrated and angry with myself because I do so much for everyone else and I do what others want and then get resentful because I am all about pleasing everyone else. Think this is huge reason i have POA, because he is for me and me alone. Something no one can take away or dominate or tell me what to do and when or how. make sense?
Taking away the power and giving it back to yourself is very important and I think it is what you need to do for your self esteem and benefit!

[iwillsurvive]

Hi knowlove,

Yes, it was h number two and a very tough situation but I learned a lot because I had to be in counseling the entire marriage just to cope.

I have the same problem with people pleasing and doing for others while not taking care of myself, but I am changing that dynamic. My daughter invited me so I could provide babysitting, but I have a separate car and hotel room so that I can make sure I take care of myself. I am paying my own way and have offered to babysit for one dinner and a half-day zipline tour. I'm trying to stick to these boundaries. My daughter came to expect me to rush over whenever she needs a babysitter and I live an hour away and have other things to do in my life. It's tough changing my behaviors but it is rewarding too. I encourage her to take care of herself as well and especially to take time to be alone without her h and baby.

I think I get why you're with the POA but I also think that relationship harms you and keeps you back from growth in recovery. Of course, I know it is tough to let go of something/someone you enjoy when so many people are taking from you.

I definitely had a pattern of over-giving and then getting angry because I was so tired and stressed. As I take responsibility for what I choose to give, I am feeling less angry and more centered. It is a good feeling.

Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, taking back the power from POA was an important step for me. It is respecting myself and not putting up with people who don't act respectfully toward me. I'm the only one I can change, but as I make different decisions, others are changing too. Very cool. This is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.

[knowlove]

IWS I know what you say to be true. I am asking God to make a way for me to get out of this. It is hard but I am not naive either. I am not high on it as I see exactly what it is. I started putting boundaries up as well but still not great at saying no. Much better but still long way to go. I feel bad or guilty if I say no.
When I do say it it does feel good because i know I am taking back control and doing what I need to for me.
My parents come in two weeks. That always brings anxiety as they stay with me for two weeks after staying with my aunt for one week. My mom does nothing and I end up waiting on her and and foot and cleaning up after her because she doesnt lift a finger and when I make dinners I have to make something plain because they are fussy. I made chicken picatta once and they sniffed their noses at it. Whatever. I try to make the best of it. I could tell stories from now till labor day or more about how they are.
Anyway, I am glad you are learning and growing in recovery. I still am but with different things. Working on inner child right now. Think this is a major factor in my addiction so need to bring her out and try to change feelings from childhood.

[iwillsurvive]

knowlove, working with my inner child has been key for me too. I realized during withdrawals this spring that I had been rejecting her and trying to suppress her and she always found a way to get control. I started to talk to her like she was my beloved child and to nuture her and soothe her. That's when I began to feel like I wasn't in an internal war with my inner child's wishes competing with the wishes of my more mature self. I stopped scapegoating my inner child and started embracing her with empathy and love. At first, I treated her like I treat my own children and now it is more separate. Very powerful. I'm so grateful for this piece of recovery.

[g]

I needed to read this inner child stuff today. Mine wants some TLC very badly.
G