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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 21, 2010 11:23:13 GMT -5
Anger has always been troublesome for me because I associated it with violence and abuse. I have been afraid of it in myself and others. Now I am learning to see it as a warning light on the dashboard of my car. Anger is a message that there's something I need to address. Anger is not bad. It is what I do with my anger that can be destructive. Stuffing it will make me sick and I've already had cancer. Dumping it on those around me will destroy relationships and cause me to feel shame. Anger can also show me that a part of me I don't want to own is being reflected in someone else's behavior. In that way its a mirror.
I'm feeling anger toward someone right now. I see this person's behavior as manipulative and dishonest. I am going to ask my HP to reveal to me what that means.
When guidelines are developed concerning how we treat each other in this fellowship I hope we all keep in mind that we can choose to process our feelings without attacking others. When we are triggered maybe we can take some time to think and work through our feelings before posting or messaging from a place of anger.
Your thoughts my dear friends in LRA recovery?
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Post by quinn on Jul 21, 2010 12:18:21 GMT -5
Iwillsurvive,
I don't know if I've misread this, but it sounds like you're saying you're angry with someone on the board. And you're hoping we can develop guidelines that will prevent us from attacking each other. I haven't read any posts though that sound like they are attacking anyone (and I do read every single one) so I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding your message or if I've missed a post. Or maybe you're referring to PMs?
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Post by g on Jul 21, 2010 12:53:57 GMT -5
IWS, I've had problems with anger for much of my life, but recovery really has helped me so much with it.
I no longer feel anger gripping me the way it used to. It would make me lose control and I'd end up being ashamed of my behaviour. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and seeing the rage on my face as I shouted at my daughters helped me a lot to realise that the way I was reacting was not good for anyone. Not good for me in primis.
I may still get angry at times but I feel as if I'm able to step out of myself and observe the anger for what it is. Pure energy.
Its been a driving force for much of my life and I've achieved some very positive things when under its influence. Probably because of that fight or flight reflex we all have when we feel we are being attacked. As I've grown my ability to act rather than react has also improved greatly.
This very board came into being because of that reflex reaction. I didn't get lost in fear and anger but managed to channel all that energy into something positive and to think lucidly and efficiently about a possible solution to an urgent problem.
I think our HP wanted this fellowship to come together because too many things happened in such a short space of time without premeditation.
We are obviously still a work in progress but one thing binds us here. The knowledge that we are all here with a willingness to recover from LRAA.
Nobody is perfect or recovered and we don't accept finger pointing or judgemental behaviour from any of our members.
We all live in glass houses. Each and every one of us. So stones should be dropped before they are cast.
My turn today maybe, who knows whose turn it will be tomorrow.
Love to all you fellow LRAs. We can feel safe in the knowledge that noone will be singled out or ostracized in this group for no reason.
May this fellowship become stronger with every passing day so that we all have a better chance of recovery. Our HP is guiding us every step of the way.
G
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 21, 2010 17:19:23 GMT -5
Quinn - No I'm not angry with someone on this board. In fact, my anger has subsided. Sorry for any confusion. Yes I am concerned with some communication that came via PM. When I don't resist my anger and ask it what it wants, I find that its power dissipates.
Greta - Thanks for sharing about your experience with anger. Parenting definitely pushes buttons at times. I used to get so mad about the messes they would leave when they were teens. Now they have their own houses. I'm not sure why the messiness bothered me so much. I will ask my HP for that insight as well.
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Post by trout46 on Jul 21, 2010 21:33:29 GMT -5
Great topic and post IWS! I've sort of just lived with the anger issue for a part of the day today, as I wasn't sure what to say about how I do anger. The truth is that in my second marriage, I rarely acted out my anger. When I did, however, it was over the top!
The healthier and saner I am becoming, and the more honest I have become in my sharing and posts, the more I can see that my ex and I used to do a lot of joint expressions of anger, especially about some of our colleagues who drove us (particularly me, since I was the administrator of the group) crazy. This would be our typical pattern every day after work. Go home, make strong drinks, stand in the kitchen, and let it rip!
I often thought, while ex was talking, that she was over the top, but that I was obligated to support her by joining her in the bitch session. Some of these were incredibly intense (on her part) expressions. I can distinctly remember thinking that I was sure glad that it wasn't me in her crosshairs! Based on these routine experiences with her, I know without any doubt that she has and will continue to tear me to shreds for a very long time. (Perhaps I'm being very self-centered in thinking this way--taking myself too seriously--but I very much doubt it.
I was so codependent, fearful (of many things, including losing her), and fundamentally needy, that I would stand there for two hours trying to keep up with her, all the while wondering how she could possibly be so intensely angry with the things other people did or said. The one thing I rarely did was express my anger at her, despite the fact that she often made me angry. I wouldn't take her on. Over time, I had such a reservoir of anger that I became, or at least acted out passive-aggressively, and I have always hated people who did that!
None of this was apparent to me until pretty recently. The power of repression, denial, avoidance, and other Freudian ego defense mechanisms were well exercised in my past. Now, whenever someone starts a post on something like this topic, I can clear enough of the dense underbrush to see who I was, how I behaved, and what I was after or avoiding.
Recovery is truly a remarkable experience!
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Post by sexlessw on Jul 22, 2010 6:06:01 GMT -5
IWillSurvive:
I chuckled at your comment about parenting making you angry - now, that is the truth.
On a serious note - I'm not the most angry acting person, but I understand anger's internally destructive powers.
What do you now do to understand your anger?
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Post by g on Jul 22, 2010 6:28:14 GMT -5
One of the things I used to do a lot was stuff my anger like you IWS.(still do sometimes but I recognise it almost immediately, take a deep breath, count to ten or twenty or thirty and then try to engage my brain in what I'm doing rather than be driven by emotions)
I used to be angry with my coworkers or my boss or the uni system or whatever and I'd come home with all that anger still raging inside me. Adrenaline seems to stay in my system for a very long time. Use of cortisone for long periods of time also added to chemical imbalances and a heightened state of alertness.
I was quick to fly off the handle (you are warned to avoid stress when you use cortisone) and would snap at my daughters for no reason. Horrible parenting skills at times but being a mother is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to learn to do. I now try to think first what I'm angry about and act accordingly rather than just ranting and raving for no reason. At times I just need some me time. a relaxing bath, a massage or some soft music to get me out of my bad mood.
Loving my kids too much led me to want them to be perfect all the time and that is a very tall order for anyone.
I also relate to the tidy house syndrome . I'm not the tidiest person in the world but boy, when I'm in those kind of moods I feel I desperately need to declutter.
Decluttering my head is the same kind of thing I suppose. So whether it's sorting out my thoughts, or cupboards, or the fridge, getting rid of useless stuff in my head or around the house is sometimes really necessary for me.
A kind of 'clearing out' to allow me to feel less stressed by external factors. Anybody relate or am I just being a looney today?
G
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