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Post by sexlessw on Jun 24, 2010 6:50:25 GMT -5
Many of you are unfamiliar with my "back story". Suffice it to say, it is like yours with a few twists and turns. There is a certain "sameness" to all our stories, but all are flavored with our past experiences.
The past two weeks I have been NC with Aspen my POA. Going NC from Aspen is not like going NC from many of your POAs. I was never in constant contact with him. No daily phone calls. No daily emails, texts, meetings. He claims not to have a cell phone or a computer. I see him infrequently at work and that is ONLY IF I MAKE MYSELF available to him when I'm there. I have a choice and I take it.
This bout of NC is not as debilitating as the last bout of NC. And that bout wasn't as debilitating as my first bout with my first AP. But the withdrawal still bites in. And there is pain. And doubtful thoughts. And obsessive conversations ringing in my head.
The last time I did NOT send him a FOAD letter. That was a mistake. I transfered job locations to detox from him. I made myself invisible to him. I never asked about him. I never mentioned him. I did me work and realized I wasn't such a bad person. I made plans for my house, my son and did a few "blunting" activities (watched DVDs, took a dance class, studied two foreign languages, continued working out).
It took nearly two years, but I began to feel like my old self. Yet I am still in a sexless marriage. I accept this and have moved through it. My DH isn't going to change and no amount of doing things for him will change him. I made peace with this and about my DS's mental disability. At the same time, I "own" the reasons I stay married.
What happened? How did I get back here? "You may ask yourself 'My God, what Have I Done?'" Two F2Fs with Aspen and it was on again. When you're missing sex in your life and a charming (not a good quality), attractive, funny, seemingly "caring" man re- enters, and you still have feelings for him some of us eat the crumbs. I ate the crumbs. I thought it would be different after I heard his "take" on what happened.
For a while I stayed the course. I played the aloof woman he could chase. It's been pure h*ll. We communicate by me leaving a note in his mailbox telling him what time I'll call him. He's usually home. This time he was better at returning my phone calls. Big deal. We would get together and have sex.
We never went out. Last time we went out. He suggested it a few times, but I couldn't quite fit his schedule. What do you want - I'm the married one here. He hasn't asked me since, and I'm too scared to bring it up for I am afraid of "losing" him. Then again, you can't "lose" something if you never fully had it.
This time with counseling and at long last READING about love addiction, I realized what Aspen is. He is a living symbol of Pia Mellody's Love Avoidant. The last time we were together, he wasn't "in the moment". A classic Love Avoidant step. He went behind his wall of no intimacy, least of all for me or any other woman.
That was a moment of clarity for me. I actually IDENTIFIED what was going on - which is better than I would have done in the past.
There are other aspects of Aspen which are irksome and inmature for a man pushing 50. That's him and I can't change it. I'm not present in his life. I'll never be present in his life. He is like a fortress. He brings you to the gates, he walks in, closes and locks the door, and leaves you walking around and around seeking entrance. I'll never be able to scale the Aspen fortress. I'll never be able to open those doors to fully be part of his life. Married or single.
Today I accept it all. This was all about the sex, the conquest, the hit he got from luring me back in. Did I mention the sex? Some easy pickins' for him. I'm not somebody's easy sex fix. Although I said all I wanted from him was sex just to "keep" him. I accept I kept my walls high too, thinking I could do it. And Today that hurts too much. That isn't me, love addict or not.
It's been 15 days of NC.
This weekend I am going to be alone. I'm going to be cleaning my house. I'm going to be journaling about Aspen. I'm going to work out. I'm going to be crying. That I know. I'm going to be going back and forth about sending my FOAD letter and going hard core NC. I'm going to think again about transferring job locations. Yet I'm really getting sick of doing that - that just gives Aspen power over me. I'm going to be asking God/HP and you kind people for guidance.
That is where I am.
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Post by quinn on Jun 24, 2010 10:01:28 GMT -5
Thanks for this post Sexless. I have heard most of your story before, but in bits and pieces. Reading it all in one post is helpful (both in terms of seeing my POA in yours, and in understanding where you are in your recovery.)
Your description of Aspen as a fortress—"He brings you to the gates, he walks in, closes and locks the door, and leaves you walking around and around seeking entrance"—is such a perfect image of the SW POA.
Going two years without contact and then getting lured back scares me. I can completely see how that would happen though, living a sexless life and then running into the funny, charming, "caring" POA again and thinking it will be different. Of course in retrospect it is always so obvious that the POA just wanted the conquest, but at the time it started it's so easy to lose sight of that. Your story reminds me to stay on guard. No matter how disgusted I am with my stbx right now, I have to be cautious of contact with him even years into the future.
Congrats on finally reading Pia's book and being able to IDENTIFY what was actually happening with you and POA. And congrats again on 15 days of NC. You said you regret not sending the FOAD letter last time so I'm wondering what's stopping you from doing it now?
Your encouragement in me leaving stbx has been enormously helpful for me. Please keep posting and PM me if you want so I can return the support.
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Post by trout46 on Jun 24, 2010 12:28:34 GMT -5
Just a short post from the land of muddy trout streams:
Sexless, I have learned so much from you about the absolute importance and the possibility of (as in, I CAN DO IT!) hard core N/C, that I am confident you know what to do, and how to do it. That said, we're addicts, and when our addiction is triggered and/or active, it can be amazingly difficult to put into practice that which we know we have to do.
You sound strong, centered, and resolved. (I feel as though I am still trying to get there, but I do see progress.) Fifteen days of HC N/C in a situation like yours where you work with your POA is a real accomplishment. Congrats on that accomplishment, and on the insights you have gleaned from Pia's book.
Reading your message, as well as Quinn's, helps me to see that HP works through muddy trout streams sometimes. I brought a couple of books with me (Pia's included), so, slowthat I might otherwise be sometimes, I see my HP's writing on the wall, and I know how to spend my time waiting for the streams to clear.
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Post by primrose on Jun 24, 2010 14:08:58 GMT -5
Sexless, v big hug dear woman. Am happy for you that you've got to 15 days. You do deserve so much more than crumbs from a charming avoidant. Has taken me 2 years too to get over my EMA, can understand if it's taken you that long what a draw Aspen must be for you. Chasing a man while pretending not to or controlling the amount of the chase, limiting it to once in a whenever, is still chasing and hurts like hell. Very best while you go through it. P. X
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 24, 2010 16:23:27 GMT -5
Quinn: I underestimated the pull I had towards Aspen. The sexual hold he had on me. And when you are celebate for over three years, trust me, you will feel the pull when it comes walking up. I thought that since I'd transfered it would be easy for me to re-engage with him. Yet the fortress remains.
Why didn't I send a FOAD letter in Sept 2006. Sending a FOAD letter was my *prior* way of acting. I thought that if I just walked away, dignity with silence on-going, NC in place, I wouldn't NEED to send him a FOAD letter. I thought I'd change my method of operations. Which didn't work. [FOAD letter for me means: Door. Shut. Locked. Key. Tossed. Away.]
If I don't send it, that means I'm holding on to H-O-P-E for one last hook up. One last hit of his attention. If I decide to send it I'll send it on Monday.
I saw him at work yesterday - not because I sought him out, but because I had job duties which took me to where he temporarily was. He said hello to me and walked past. Such a beautiful, sexual man - my embodient of cruel masculinity.
NC remains in place.
Trout46: Thanks for the post. You know more than the average poster...ho ho ho.
Primrose: Thank you too. EMAs take years to get over. I don't care what part you play in the triad - MW, OW, BS. You're right. It's taken something out of me to maintain my distance. OTOH, Aspen gave me a push, a bit of life, that was missing. Sadly, that bit of life is ebbing and I feel it must end.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 24, 2010 16:50:41 GMT -5
sexlessw: Thanks for posting your story and being so transparent in your description of your POA and the effect he has had on you. I read it in small print on my blackberry this morning and I was immediately sad for you as the cruel reality of your POA's fortress sunk in. Very good description of the walls around an avoidant POA.
Not that I should feel sorry for Aspen, but it is sad that people like him also create a self-imposed prison where love does not reign.
Your marital situation sounds painful as well. Now I understand your screen name.
Congratulations on your 15 days of NC, especially since you work with this temptation. I also have not sent a FOAD letter to my POA. I never really said goodbye, but I was hoping silence and time would do the trick. Or, maybe I didn't have the courage to slam the door shut.
Have you discovered whether Aspen is symbolic of someone who played an important role in your childhood? For me, this discovery has helped to take the charge out of my POA -- although I still struggle.
Take good care of yourself. Treat yourself as if you were a beloved friend or child or ... you get it. The more we love ourselves, the less we are willing to take crumbs or any other mistreatment from a POA.
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Post by primrose on Jun 25, 2010 2:08:07 GMT -5
Sexless, I know what you mean about a POA giving you a bit of life. My POA arrived all sparkling at a time for me when I was at my lowest. It was a real re-run of when my father took me out of my mother's depressing world at 12 and dazzled me. But it really hurt at 12 and it really hurt at 35. It turns into such a toxic dance. I think one of the worst things for me about being avoidant myself and having been involved with an avoidant, is knowing that a time of closeness will inevitably be followed by a time of withdrawal. BECAUSE of the closeness. Intimacy is the very thing that means the next thing that will happen is a stepping away, scorn, contempt, disinterest. I've done it so many times myself and hijaked love. So when my POA looked at me with scorn straight after he'd been at his most open and affectionate, I knew what it was. But I was hooked all the same and chased as I was repelled. I knew. I understood. And I had my walking away shoes to put on and look super calm as I did that. No tearful goodbyes from me. No chance. But my avoidance had stopped protecting me from my real pain. My underlying abandonment was flooding my conscious mind and I might have looked detached and amusing on the surface, and confused the hell out of my POA who expected the doe eyed goodbye he was used to from women, but inside I was opening to the hell of LA.
My avoidance is just a shield, a defense against pain. It has made me look strong in my life because I often haven't cared much and walked and never looked back, but that's a false self. It's not truly who I am. I developed it because I needed it to survive as a child. Underneath that detachment is something much more complex and vulnerable. Very best with your withdrawal Sexless, it must be so hard to see your POA. I didn't have to deal with that myself, find people who manage LC incredible. Best. P.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 25, 2010 6:28:15 GMT -5
IWillSurvive:
Thanks for your kind, understanding post. "The fortress". Do you know why I call him the fortress? One of his manoevers to get me to him 4 years ago was to tell me "You have a wall" - and he showed me where that wall was, holding his hands breast level - "this high and you won't let anybody in."
As I came to know him and read Pia Mellody's books, it hit me: He is FORTRESS with NO WALLS - just a circular parameter. I told him that, and he agreed.
No, I don't feel sorry for Aspen either. Funny you should mention "prison" - but that's TMI for a public post. However, do you know how many women Aspen has treated like this? How many women who would have loved him? Cared for him? (one should not care FOR - one needs to care ABOUT). He has that effect on women. But once he has us, he just can't merge with us. And I KNOW IT. Yeah. Sexless marriage. What a lie to live.
You wrote: "I also have not sent a FOAD letter to my POA. I never really said goodbye, but I was hoping silence and time would do the trick. Or, maybe I didn't have the courage to slam the door shut." That is EXACTLY where I am. But when I didn't slam the door shut 4 years ago - guess what. HE CAME SLIMING BACK IN. And I let him.
You asked: "Have you discovered whether Aspen is symbolic of someone who played an important role in your childhood?" Yes, as a matter of fact!! MY MOTHER!!! And he resembles some aspects - physical aspects - of my father. Ta-da.
I do my best but I've faced the fact the problem lies within my marriage and me - not Aspen. But I stay for various reasons.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 25, 2010 6:36:29 GMT -5
PrimRose:
I am like you - avoidant. Not for the same reasons - but maybe for the same reasons. When I read Pia Mellody's Love Avoidant signs - I thought "Wow, that's so Aspen." Then I stopped. "Wait! That's ME too!"
You left your POA (an MM - am I correct?) like I left my 1st AP. Boy, that was a night. Walked out. Never looked back, but that night into the early morning, I wanted to die and be reborn as somebody else.
Aspen got my tears twice. Can you imagine? Yes, he got my tears. That says what it was all about to him. He came, he saw, he conquered. But he will NOT get my anger. He will not get a tearful scene from me. Let the other Aspen Hens give him that fix.
What all signs pointed to was two Avoidants circling one another. Classic Pia Mellody, step by step.
LC - I may have to make it another bout of NC with a transfer across the river. That's hilarious b/c Aspen, king of avoidants, told me that by transferring I was "Running away instead of solving the problem." What a luno!!!
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 26, 2010 0:19:14 GMT -5
sexlessw: Wow. I find it very interesting that Aspen used the "you have walls" line to reel you in. I guess there's a predatory aspect to SW POAs and they have proven methods -- like acting like they care about our intimacy issues. I don't get "he is a fortress with no walls." What does that mean?
I don't know how many women have gone through the Aspen wringer, but it reminds me that serial relationship vampires (of either gender) should have to register in a system similar to sex offender registration. A friend of mine who dated my second ex-h/POA before I met him said he left a trail of maiden's bones.
So if Aspen is symbolic of your mother and reminds you of your father in some ways, is that why you have such a strong attachment to him? Hope you don't mind me asking. I'm just starting to learn more about the relationship between infant attachment styles and adult attachment issues.
I'm sending you virtual hugs because I know this must be a difficult time for you. I hope it is the beginning of a new found freedom. Actually, I hope that for all of us LAs.
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Post by primrose on Jun 26, 2010 4:44:58 GMT -5
Aspen got my tears twice. Can you imagine? Yes, he got my tears. That says what it was all about to him. He came, he saw, he conquered. But he will NOT get my anger. He will not get a tearful scene from me. Let the other Aspen Hens give him that fix. What all signs pointed to was two Avoidants circling one another. Classic Pia Mellody, step by step. Yep, I really relate. Was the same for me. Inherited from my mother a wall so high no one can get through when it's up. My mother used to say with intense satisfaction "your father has NEVER seen me cry" and when I was with my POA I saw how submissive his wife and mistress were and I thought "you're having a laugh if you think I'm that kind of woman, just you try, you'll have such a battle for supremacy on your hands". But being able to walk and be as cool as can be on the surface is just guff for me. It's not from a place of strength, it's from narcissistic desperation. And it's a lie. My father never saw my mother cry, but she was still broken hearted, and I told my POA that I walked away from him with such ease because I looked at his mistress and vowed that I'd never ever be a woman like her, truth is, I AM a woman like her. I AM. How did I manage to tell my POA that I walked away from him with ease? Because I walked back of course. I'm an Aspen hen for sure. I just happen to be a hen who's pretending not to be. So much of my narcissism (avoidance) was tied up with rejecting being a woman and rejecting being submissive because I despised it. I craved strength and autonomy. And I believed I was strong because I used contempt to keep myself strong. If I felt contempt for my POA I must be strong right? Well, that's what I thought. But contempt for me is just a way of me not admitting my own submissiveness. It's a way of holding off the reality of what I really am inside. And inside I have been incredibly vulnerable. I built such a high avoidant wall because inside I have no defenses, I am a small child with no way of protecting herself. With my POA I found an avoidant who out-avoided me. Maybe I got tired of the walls, I don't know, maybe the walls were weak because my husband had been so ill and I'd been bullied at work, whatever it was, my defenses weren't strong and so my POA got through to that small child with no way of protecting herself. You know, now, I'm glad that happened. I'm glad because the avoidance isn't really me. The walls kept me safe for a long time, but they also kept me seperate. I was contemptuous of "weak" people, I was arrogant and grandiose. I just felt superior, as every good narc does! I think for me embracing my own split-off weakness and submissiveness (that happened in withdrawal) was a very positive thing for me. If I KNOW I am a gentle vulnerable soft weak person, if I can accept that in myself, I don't have to keep proving over and over again to my POA that I am "Never ever going to be THAT kind of woman". Part of my compulsion to be with my POA was to prove to him that I was as strong as him, maybe stronger. A kind of "I can take it" impulse. Inside I was dying, but on the outside I showed that I really didn't care. Quite bizarre really, but then it makes sense in terms of my childhood. I was so split off from my own womanliness and bit by bit I've reclaimed it. I despised my mother more than anyone growing up and then I despised women who were like her and ultimately, that means I despised myself. As I despise myself less now (still working on that) I have less need to destroy myself by being treated very badly by a man while looking at him with scorn while he does it and pretending to myself that I'm better than his other women because I can tough it out. Phew, long post! I always like writing to you sexless, I think because you're avoidant too it helps me a lot. P.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 26, 2010 22:58:05 GMT -5
IWillSurvive and Others: Tonight instead of sitting home moping after work, I WENT OUT TO A COOK OUT. Wow. With other people. Unfortunately, although I had a nice time reconnecting with people - it was with people from Aspen's location. Remember, I worked with them for 6 years. As I was sitting listening to a conversation, Aspen's name came up. "Yeah, that one woman upstairs BBBB - she was with Smith, Jones, Johnson, ASPEN, Lopez, Rodriguez..." I felt a twinge - an Aspen hen. The rest is directed towards IWillSurvive: I'm seeking freedom - even though I cried my eyes out at work before the cookout. The walls comment - that was key - for he's told me exactly what I was. For he saw himself in me - and knew who to manoever to get to me. It worked. "Acting like they care about our intimacy issues". Key word "Acting" not "Feeling" Ah, Fortress with no walls - as being he's CIRCULAR - a totally circular walled off fortress - not 4 walls, but an encompassing circle of never ending bricks which will not be breached. You wrote: "I don't know how many women have gone through the Aspen wringer, but it reminds me that serial relationship vampires (of either gender) should have to register in a system similar to sex offender registration." I don't know how many ladies have been Aspen-Wringered either. I know of at least three. I've never talked to them about it. As for "Serial relationship vampires" and a registry, well, you know there IS one on the Internet. Maybe not officially, but it's out there. And I wouldn't be a vengeful, wronged Scorpio if I hadn't already gotten Aspen's photo and a phenomenal write up about him on that site. www.dontdatehimgirl.com August 2007 it went up. And if you google his name in quotes and the town we live in, that profile is the FIRST thing that pops up. Boy. THAT FELT GOOD. Did you ever talk to any of the other "maiden bones" besides your friend when she dated your 2nd xH? You asked, which is fine with me: "If Aspen is symbolic of your mother and reminds you of your father in some ways, is that why you have such a strong attachment to him?" Yes. That is it in a nutshell. I could not put it in any other way. One thing about studying attachment issues: those are HUGE in adoption. I find it an interesting fact that here I am as a Love (avoidant) Addict understanding attachment from a non-adoption perspective. [Note to othe readers: I understand that we should not seek vengence towards our POAs, but I held back alot of anger and hurt with respect to Aspen. That DDHG profile was one way I got him back. I don't feel guilty about it. However, if he finds out about it and blows a gasket - I own what I did]
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 26, 2010 23:14:07 GMT -5
PrimRose: How sad I'm an avoidant! In all seriousness, when I first read Pia Mellody's Six Emotional Cycles of the Love Avoidant, I first thought, "OMG! That's ASPEN! Wow! That's HIM!" Then I stopped and re-read all six. 3, 4 and 5 were ME. I felt stunned. Did you really walk away cooly from your xMM? Or did it truly hurt you - by hurt I mean crying on the floor, fetal position, wanting to be reborn and wishing hellfire and damnation to befall him? Did you EVER let on to him that you'd been that hurt by him? An Aspen hen - let's build our own coop! DID you ever let on to xMM that you were truly devastated by the NC? Or have you maintained that it was "easy"? I let Aspen know when we reconnected how devastated I was by going NC on him - that was when we talked and he held me as I cried. Sound familiar: "So much of my narcissism (avoidance) was tied up with rejecting being a woman and rejecting being submissive because I despised it. I craved strength and autonomy. And I believed I was strong because I used contempt to keep myself strong. If I felt contempt for my POA I must be strong right? Well, that's what I thought. But contempt for me is just a way of me not admitting my own submissiveness." True: Not only your POA but Aspen fits this: "With my POA I found an avoidant who out-avoided me." The POA gets in when we DO NOT KNOW they are getting in. They sense the door openned. You wrote: "I'm glad because the avoidance isn't really me. The walls kept me safe for a long time, but they also kept me seperate. I was contemptuous of "weak" people, I was arrogant and grandiose. I just felt superior, as every good narc does!" The one difference between you and I was a specific event in my life: the baby's death in Russia. I no longer felt contempt of people after the baby died. That single event changed my outlook, but that's outside of this board. I am the latter part of your post, not the former: "If I KNOW I am a gentle vulnerable soft weak person, if I can accept that in myself, I don't have to keep proving over and over again to my POA that I am "Never ever going to be THAT kind of woman". Part of my compulsion to be with my POA was to prove to him that I was as strong as him, maybe stronger. A kind of "I can take it" impulse. Inside I was dying, but on the outside I showed that I really didn't care." Again, that is where I am right now with Aspen - proving to him how "strong" I am, how I do NOT cling to him, how I can take or leave him. Leaving is looking like a better option every day - isn't that a PRIORITY? Glad you like to write to me PrimRose - there are a few differences in our "back story" but ultimately, I'm believing there is no such thing as "strength". Maybe something other than "strength". Day 17 of NC from Aspen. Not certain about that FOAD letter yet.
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Post by primrose on Jun 27, 2010 5:46:53 GMT -5
Hi sexless, I walked away and didn't feel a thing for a couple of days, and then was on the floor. That's my pattern. I don't feel a thing once I've got my fix. I feel very very calm and I have no desire to be with the person, I'm gone. Then the agony kicks in 2-3 days later. Very weird, but that's what I am. I poured my heart out to my POA, first time I ever did that in my life I think. I hit the avoidant switch with him and became a love addict. A very ambivalent love addict, true, but I was more vulnerable with him than I ever had been in my life before. I am a hen I embrace being a love addict. It used to repulse me, but I'm making peace with it now, getting to know my own nature and not being afraid of my hen-ness, hehe! Does my POA know I was devestated by NC? No. He doesn't. I don't think he would understand that level of pain because he's avoidant, so I never told him. I know I didn't understand it myself when I was avoidant. He understands longing because he's a SA. and he longs and obsesses, but he caps it with his many addictions. I was a plaything for him, not a real person. Am sure I was a "special" plaything to him, but in the sense that some kittens you play with are adorable. Poor sad man, he couldn't empathise with his wives when they divorced him, not much chance he'd understand my pain. I think you're right about the POA getting in when we don't know that they are. My POA had been chasing me for a year. I hadn't even noticed. He got me when I was at my most vulnerable. I'm so so sorry that you lost a baby sexless. I can understand that ending your contempt for people. I have had a slower loss of contempt, somewhere in between my husband getting ill and being on my knees over my POA, it has gone. I am very sad to know you lost a child. That is a terrible thing. Oh I agree that leaving is much better than staying to prove you are strong! It's like climbing into a bear pit compulsively. Going round the world looking for zoos with poor security so I can wake up some furious beast to let it know I'm not scared of it. Just dumb. My POA is a scheming power addict, do I need to prove to him that I am capable of being just as powerful and do I need to prove to him that I can outsmart him? Maybe I could just have a cup of tea and sit in the sun instead... but no, I had to find the most narcissistic creature I possibly could and spend my time showing him I didn't care at all about him, when I really really did. Crazy. Am happy for you you're on day 17, yay! Very best. P.
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 27, 2010 8:07:29 GMT -5
PrimRose:
Thanks for being here with me this AM. I'm alone for the weekend, but I am going to be calling a gal IRL who knows all about this Aspen insanity. She heard my entire tale 4 years ago - poor woman! But she listened and heard me crying and sobbing after a certain Aspen incident 4 years ago.
Regarding the baby: That's a long story. A really LONG STORY. That one incident changed my life - made me realize what I was made of. I was never the same after it. Yet, the baby's death opened other doors for me - doors which led me to understand myself better than ever.
You wrote: "I walked away and didn't feel a thing for a couple of days, and then was on the floor. That's my pattern. I don't feel a thing once I've got my fix. I feel very very calm and I have no desire to be with the person, I'm gone. Then the agony kicks in 2-3 days later. Very weird, but that's what I am."
Okay, well, for me, the clamness remained IF I KNOW I'M GOING TO SEE HIM again. But after a week goes by, I get antsy, then I would go and see him when he came to my work location and it would start again.
I cry when I know I need to end it. Heck, I've been crying and sad intermittently since September. My logical mind KNEW what was happening, but my sexual, junkie mind craved more of him. And the logical mind said, "He can't offer you any more than he can offer you. Accept what he can give." Which isn't much. Sexual Junkie Mind said, "Okay Logical Mind, let's try that". It ain't working.
One wonders what they gained when they got us to "cave" to them emotionally. Like your xPOA, Aspen had been clocking me for years at work. But because of certain factors, we NEVER worked together. Then one night we worked overtime together. He was up in my stuff - give me your number, here's my number, my marriage all of a sudden came up - and I let it slip I was in a sexless marriage. Before I could stop them, my tears began to flow - and that is when Aspen swooped in - and injected me. All over my confession.
Point: "Does my POA know I was devestated by NC? No. He doesn't. I don't think he would understand that level of pain because he's avoidant, so I never told him. I know I didn't understand it myself when I was avoidant. He understands longing because he's a SA. and he longs and obsesses, but he caps it with his many addictions. I was a plaything for him, not a real person. Am sure I was a "special" plaything to him, but in the sense that some kittens you play with are adorable. Poor sad man, he couldn't empathise with his wives when they divorced him, not much chance he'd understand my pain."
Aspen to a "T". Plaything, not understanding others pain, pain of withdrawal - yet he did say he "heard" my silence when I went total NC on him the first time. Or did he? Who knows. That's not my problem anymore.
Your xPOA had WIVES? You think he would have learned AFTER his first divorce. Man, that's just odd how people marry so much - far outside of my ken.
You wrote: "I agree that leaving is much better than staying to prove you are strong!" Bear pit indeed! See, the thing is, when I told my mother I was transferring my job location b/c of Aspen, she said, "Why? Why do that? Heck, I'd show up for work, looking good, making him know he was missing something by NOT being with me." Others (including Aspen) said similar things "By leaving you are not facing the problem - you need to stay, it's good for you hear, blah blah blah".
IRL PrimRose, THEY DON'T GET IT. They DON'T UNDERSTAND that if you stay and are in LC, the POA is going to crawl in and GET YOU AGAIN. I don't have the - strength - to be in the same location as any POA. I have to hear about them. I have to see them. I have to hear their voice. But most devistating if you stay: you HAVE TO RECEIVE INFORMATION ABOUT THEM - and my heart could not take all that. For I cannot rid myself of them that easily. I loved them all too deeply for that.
By walking, it's an action telling them: I can walk and I walk for myself. You do NOT control my life. Hear my SILENCE forever. Period.
Once you walk, there is nothing left to prove. Your silence says it all - have the cup of tea, take a trip, take a walk - for once you are gone, the only person you can care about is yourself. NC is never a game of "getting them back". The only "getting back" I needed to do was get MYSELF back.
Sorry for the ramble. Day what - 18 of NC. But who's counting.
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