Disintegrating The Aspen Bond

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So we've got you to thank for that lovely little acron sexless!
EUM is 'Emotionally Unavailable Man'. I first saw that one used on Baggage Reclaim.
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[iwillsurvive]

sexlessw: Thanks for inventing POA. It has helped me to de-personalize my POA. Excellent device. Thanks also for explaining Aspen. The name sounded a little romantic to me and threw me off.

You said maybe all I've known is pain in my relationships and I wish it were that easy. I've really had some wonderful, loving times over the years and it is those memories that make it so hard to walk away. I'm definitely familiar with the EUM and have even married two of them.

Thanks again for posting on this subject. You have opened my eyes. I hope you're doing well this week. Best wishes.

[sexlessw]

Folks: Thanks for explaining EUM. "Baggage Reclaim" - I've heard of that. Does that baggage go around on the baggage caurosel at the airport of our hearts?

IWillSurvive: I re-read your last post to me about your recovering. Your actions sound almost - dare I write this - Love Avoidant - much like mine can be too. "Aspen" = romantic. OMG - never ever thought of that. I'm laughing, because his idea of a "romantic" gesture is to give you a leaf from a plant or a pack of gum! Quite the antithesis of a romantic dude. I think the defunct paper company is more his description.

If there hadn't of been any "good times" with them, we never would be as sad as we are when things end. Another Proust quote: "As for happiness, that is useful to us in one way: by making unhappiness possible."

How am I doing this week - avoided Aspen at work for the most part. He had to drive past me on Friday and didn't look at me. Good. Somebody who I don't really trust said he was asking about me. For a few hours I was flying HIGH on that information. Then I began to think. "This person may know the history between Aspen and I - he may be pulling my leg. If Aspen really cared how I was, where I'd been, why I've been hiding out - he'd call my cell phone and leave a message. Or else he's feeling horny, knows I'll bite and then I'll be his easy lay again. It's THAT SIMPLE."

The rest of the day (I had to work a double shift) I sat sadly. I didn't cry, but the information that I had before about him stands and hold TRUE. His ACTIONS show me what he is. I will always BELIEVE his actions. I will never DOUBT his actions.

OTOH, my actions are showing him where I stand. I'm not fretting about him puncturing my silence like he did before. Somehow, he's so darned predictable. Which is information I have to my benefit. The shadow of his fortress stands in the distance, but I will not approach it.

Today I'm doing okay. I still have those Aspen faux convos running around my head, but no urge to leave my note in his mail box for a bit of length. I have an urge to write something here which is crass, but I'll leave it.

The withdrawal isn't as acute this time, but more chronic. I'm not sitting here wondering what he's doing for it doesn't matter.

Half of me wants him to feel my silence again - to make HIM shriek in it like I shriek in it. The other half of me knows that NC is NOT a weapon. NC is a tool to help us break these bonds. Either way, whatever my silence is saying to him can't change him. That's on him.

Today I'm still. Thanks to any and all who have read thru my meanderings.

[primrose]

So true Sexless that NC isn't a weapon, although I have used it like that. When I cut off from my parents for 5 years I did it and kept powerful by being angry and had thoughts of them being hurt and I was GLAD. My NC with my POA was much more authentic. I couldn't bring myself to summon up any anger to wield, I was done, the anger was spent. I just felt the unbearable sadness. I'd spent 5 years of NC spitting bile in the direction of my parents, my POA didn't get much if any fury, I'd pretty much drained that pool. I'm hoping this last withdrawal is the last I'll have to feel in my life. I've really had enough of going into mourning over someone who isn't dead. I don't want any more POAs.

Sounds like you're doing well with yours, v big hug for the pain of it. Aspen sounds pretty to me too, but these things are personal. My sponsor didn't like me calling my POA an "ugly old toad" she said I was eroticising him being unattractive and she was right. I did eroticise the fact that I found him a bit revolting. A brute in a suit. So now he's just my qualifier or POA (thanks for that, it works well) If Aspen as a name feels right to you, it's right. I like the "asp" in both names actually, makes me think of Cleopatra. Best. P.

[iwillsurvive]

Sexlessw: you're right. A part of me is avoidant. And I also am a CLA. I loved your description of Aspens version of romance. Too funny. Glad you're doing well. Thanks for your input. Iws

[trout46]

Sexless: Glad to hear that your are doing a whole lot better. I was struck by the comment about NC as a weapon, which of course, it is not. As you note, it is simply a tool, a mechansm that facilitiates our need to keep our POAs presence away from us while we work on diffusing the intense addiction. (At least that is how I have understood and used my continued period of hard core N/C.)

However, I can very well see how our POAs, in some situations, could interpret (or want to interpret) the N/C as a weapon--an "I'll teach you a lesson" weapon). In fact, I would not be surprised if my ex has come to believe that at times. (Of course, the other--better--possibility, is that she isn't thinking about me at all, because she isn't a LA, and has simply moved on.) To the extent that I would seriously want her to interpret my N/C as a weapon, I would have to own up to a huge ego problem, and the fact that I am not doing the kind of work I need to be doing.

In fact though, I am making progress. I can live a breathe without constantly having a huge knot in my stomach. For many months, that was not the case. I know I still have about 5 or 6 weeks of absolute N/C in front of me (which will be followed by a period of forced LC), and I find myself working harder every week with the hope that I can evolve to place whee she just doesn't matter any longer. (Nirvana for a LA!!)

[knowlove]

Trout that did happen to me once before with someone I loved and cared deeply about. I had hard core NC even though I "saw" him at work. I ignored him because I had to. I knew it was my only way out and felt I would surely die a slow painful death if I did not do this 9I literally felt he was slowly killing-I lost tons of weight, barely ate or slept, was on pills for stomach problems and had to go on an anti- depressant). I worked really hard at working past my feelings and I did it! I have had relief from my addiction and I cannot tell you how freeing and wonderful it felt. I cannot say I did not care at all but I didn't have anymore obsessions or worries. I felt free. I know I can have this again. The problem was this was 15 years ago and I didn't know at the time that it was addiction. I thought I fell for him and needed to get out of the R as it was toxic to me (not intentionally but he is a huge SW and has left a long line of hurt women behind). I feel blessed to have gotten out alive. Time, work, effort will all help you accomplish this. I was extremely obsessive, more so than I may have been (notice the MAY) in any other relationship. It was definitely by far the most toxic and painful. Just wanted to let you know trout, it is possible. If I can do it pffffffffffftttttt.....................anyone can ;D

[sexlessw]

Greta: Yeah. I own up to coining the POA term. Usually it's used to mean "Power of Attorney". I am glad that it has caught on - and others are using it.

PrimRose: I'm with you. I hope (and will strive by my ACTIONS) that Aspen is MY last POA. Who needs these withdrawals? They are debilitating after years have passed.

IWillSurvive: Darn, another love avoidant - as soon as you wrote out various traits in your post I said "I RESEMBLE THOSE REMARKS".

Today I am still again. I was feeling sad for thoughts of my never having sex again came flodding thru. Never having Aspen touch me again also came thru. I am missing him on some level - but haven't broken NC. He's on vacation, so that is good.

FWIW you guys latched on to something I wrote. NC as a weapon. So, instead of discussing it here, I'm going to start a separate thread under "General". NC can indeed be a weapon against somebody. I'm going to get to that tomorrow, tho.

[primrose]

Sexless, am sorry you are mourning the loss of sex, that is very very painful. Well done for not breaking NC. I look forward to reading your new thread, sounds v interesting. P.

[sexlessw]

PrimRose: If Aspen wanted the ride twice, there will be others in my future who will want the same ride. Thing is, do I want to be riden?

I'm thinking out my NC as a Weapon topic.