Sadness and need for nurturing

[g]

I realised again in the early hours of this morning just how fragile I was when my husband got sick.

I broke down and lost it as soon as he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I would cry whenever I was alone but also in public at times. I would wait till he was asleep and then cry my eyes out trying to stifle the uncontrollable sobbing that took over my whole body and I'd awake every morning with that lump still in my throat.

A few days after diagnosis, my h had to ask me to be strong for him as he said he would not be able to get through the operation as he was so terrified and he really needed me to be strong for him and the girls. So I pulled myself together and put on this wonderful act of being in control and determined to do everything just right. I poured all my energies into researching his condition and finding a reputable surgeon. Obsessively...

After my h's successful operation we were all elated even tho he had some neurological deficits but fortunately he made a very speedy recovery. It was such a pleasant shock to our systems as we had been preparing ourselves for the worst and we didn't talk about what had happened or attempt to face the emotions we were burying.

Inevitably, depression set in for him when the initial euphoris wore off and he started to distance himself from me. He was so avoidant and just closed himself off from the fear and eveything else around him. What hurt more than anything I think was the fact that he would no longer look into my eyes. So important for me.

Then my mask started to crack and I started to fall apart too. I tried to find ways to get my h interested in me again. I was desperate to feel desirable and lovable but at the same time I was a little vulnerable girl in the body of a grown woman.

I wanted mummy love and attention. I craved it so much. At the same time I wanted s intimacy with my partner and was being denied it for the first time in 2 decades.

When my poa came back into my life he offered me a shoulder to cry on and at the same time made me feel young and desirable again, I just didn't have a hope. I was ALIVE again ( I didn't know that being high felt like that ) and over the moon because I was having such strong feelings after months of numbness.
I told poa again and again that he had brought music back into my life. A will to live and love again, mind body and soul. I had no idea that every time I crashed that that was the flipside of the coin. The highs were unbelievable but the lows were so bad I felt I'd die if my POA got angry with me or didn't contact me for a day. every second without contact was unbearable actually. And it was as if I was being denied the air that I breathed. I had no idea at the time that I was an addict. None whatsoever. I was convinced there was something very wrong with me and began to suspect I was possessed, such was the incredible pull my poa had over me.


If anybody had asked me one day before I started emailing my poa if I would ever have cheated on my h, I would have shouted 'NO WAY' and I would have been shocked anyone could even imagine I was capable of such a thing.

POA was in the right place at the right time or the wrong place at the wrong time depending on how you look at it. It was meant to happen. I was dying inside and I had to hit bottom to start living again.

I'm so grateful for recovery and to all of you here for helping me day after day to get healthier.

I know I can come here when I'm sad and that I will feel the warmth of the embrace of this fellowship. I get nurturing here every day.

It doesn't matter that there are only a few of us. I think HP is giving us time to get our website and msg board together so that when we do get newcomers we'll be better equipped to help others and give back what we have received.

G

[serenity]

I have no way of knowing what it must have been like for you hon dealing with your h's illness and having to be strong and not being able to so needing to be loved by someone else. I would like to think that if i was ever in this awful situation that i would now allow God to fill me with his love and support but deep down i doubt this because of how painful it would be.

I know God heals our pain if we take it to him but its so hard to trust when you feel so alone and cannot see Gods gusiding hand. I takes a lot to get into that spiritaul place and ask for his hand and sometimes we just have the strength to do it as so addiction/depression etc takes over.

One thing that keeps me strong today is that Gods light cannot be taken over by darkness, there is no room for the darkness when he is filling us up x

[g]

My faith was so strong at the time of my h's op and I really did surrender the outcome to God.

As I had put everything in God's hands , when one of the surgeons we consulted told me he was God when he was holding a scalpel when operating ,that itself made me decide not to allow him to carry out the operation.

People were there for us and there were prayer groups praying for us constantly both on my side of the family and on my h's. Believe me, I felt as if I was being carried and I remembered the Footsteps prayer over and over when I wondered sometimes where all my strength was coming from.

We were so elated when my h recovered and it was like a second honeymoon for us . I honestly think the pink cloud disappeared after a couple of months and reality set in. We realised that our lives had been changed forever and that we would be haunted by the possibility of a recurrence. Thoughts of dying came over us again and again. My daughters were behaving selfishly and my h was having violent mood swings and everything just became so unmanageable for me.

Instead of letting go and letting God at that stage I checked out of real life and turned to my POA. I let him question my faith and my upbringing (we had gone to highschool together and he had rebelled against the Catholic teachings at 14). I started to question the merits of fidelity and monogamy as I listened to the ravings of a self confessed philanderer. I let myself be brainwashed and for the first time in my life turned my back on God

I was not proud of myself at all and my conscience kept tormenting me no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I needed my fix no matter what and I couldn't seem to get that from God. Only my POA seemed to be able to calm me and soothe me. But the rollercoaster of emotions and the extreme highs and lows took their toll on my mental health.

I couldn't go near a church or look at an image of Christ because my shame was so intense but I carried on living my life of sinful adultery. (My poa never referred to it as a real relationship. Friendship with fun was what he called it often)

Then the highs were no longer coming, the void was unfillable and I was sinking deeper and deeper. I couldn't be with my poa but I couldn't live without him either and my depression was making me have suicidal thoughts. I really could not see a way out. Hitting bottom was almost a relief as I couldn't take one more hour of that emptiness and despair.

When I finally discovered there was such a thing as Love Addiction - a series of coincidences and God's guiding hand led me to this knowledge - I suddenly started to get my life back. Now God is firmly back in my life too. I try to go to church regularly but my faith (my understanding of God) allows me to pray at home and to still feel my spirituality is being taken care of. I don't really know what God is but I just accept that there is one and that is enough for me.

I'm filling my life with His love and being thankful to Him for all I have. Every morning I wake up and try to think of what I should be grateful for and that helps me so much to keep everything in perspective. Yes, filling the void with love for and from our HP is key.
G

[primrose]

G, relate so much to your story as you know. I was so strong through my husband's surgery, radio and chemo, but I was crying standing up making food in the kitchen and wiping my tears away as I served out dinner. My POA was there at just the wrong time and I would NEVER have thought I'd have been unfaithful, or even that I had the capacity for a full scale obsession. I had to relearn who I was because of my addiction. It ripped me open emotionally. Like you I'm glad it did. I don't believe in god and probably never will, but I do surrender and trust and I know that's a very different path from addiction, but I couldn't have surrendered my narcissism without having been humbled by love addiction. Without the pain of being with my POA, I would never have had the chance to heal the way I have. I feel very blessed now to have been through so much pain, and to have had so many safe places to process it. I have been, and am, extremely lucky. P.

[lotus]

I'm am thankful for my last POA. He's the one that made me hit rock bottom and finally get into recovery. I would probably be still suffering at a higher than rock bottom level if it weren't for him.

[g]

Oh yes love addiction was needed for me to be humbled.

I had been addicted before in my life without knowing what it was, but it took my h's illness, my suspicion he had been unfaithful and the danger of losing him one way or the other to open that childhood wound again.

The needy, lonely, ugly duckling 16-year-old was back...but there was also all the grown up and wordly wise, sensual me that wanted to prove to the guy that had dumped me 30 years before that I was now worth it. I just opened the door to him and let him rip me apart emotionally and sexually. Wow. What a lesson in humility I got. The lesson of a lifetime

G

[serenity]

This is a great reminder to me to have gratitude for my qualifier coming into my life. I don't feel it today as i'm feeling disgust about choosing to be with him. In my dream last night I was at a party with him and he was flirting with a girl and said he loved her like it was a normal thing to say to a friend.

I went up to him and wanted to scream at him for doing this but i didn't want to be seen as the crazy girlfriend so i just sucked up the anger and turned it on myself for being with him in the first place.

All of a sudden i was then on holiday with a girlfriend and flirting with peter andre who was trying to convince me he was gay but i was adamant he would like me.

I'm feeling quite unsexual at the moment if thats a word as i haven't seen a guy that i find attractive for a while now. There was a guy at church but people keep telling me he's mean and not nice to women so thats helped stop fantasing about him. Sometimes there are guys at a meeting that i find attractive but that hasn't happened for a while now so i'm jsut stuck with me and thats where God wabts me to be right now!

[knowlove]

I find many people I know have trouble "letting go and letting God" because it is our natural instinct to worry. If we didn't worry though, we wouldn't need God. I believe 100% HE will take away my suffering, pain, addiction but I do not always know HOW to hand it over and surrender. We can want to do it but do not know how. I can tell a huge difference in my life when I am close to God and when I feel like there is a wall up.
I believe God makes a way for us and puts people in our lives, for whatever reason. We all learn, everyday, from our experiences and I believe this is what life is about. Some of us have easier lives than others but at one time or another everyone has struggles and issues.
Serenity, I think when God feels you are ready, you will find a nice man. Maybe at this time HE wants you to focus on yourself and recovery and finding happiness within yourself? I know it is what I need to do! I am learning so much about myself, things I never realized. I never thought I looked to others to make me happy but I sure do! Hardest part is figuring out how NOT to.