Post by serenity on Sept 16, 2010 8:55:02 GMT -5
It states in many books that children learn to self esteem first from their major care givers. When this is dysfunctional care verbally or non verbally the child believes they are “less than” people. From what I have learnt in my therapy I understand I felt less than at a young age and that my core formative years from 0-3 were severely dysfunctional.
This was not physically dysfunctional although the handing over of myself to the au pair would have made me feel tossed about from one carer to the next but it was deeply mentally dysfunctional. When my mother went into the clinic to be treated for depression I know that when I visited her with my father and brother that she would have been unable to give me the love and attention I needed because she was depressed and in pain that she could not deal with.
The image I now have of me looking to my mother for attention and knowing that she would have turned away from me not to hold eye contact and distracting me with doing colouring by her is traumatic. This is where I first learnt that I was less than. I am now facing the reality that I cannot generate the feeling from within me that I have value.
This is evident in a lot of my behaviours towards myself. I don’t look after my best interests and speak what is on my heart as often I am confused by my feelings and cannot be sure what I am feeling because I suppress my feelings so much that I can’t feel them anymore and I have to unlearn that way of feeling or non feeling.
And I ask my higher power to help me by admitting that I need help from him and understanding that I am powerless over others and I hand myself over to god to guide me and love me.
Thank you god for giving me the presence of mind to get to this place in my recovery and I pray that you bless me with the courage and strength to keeping growing and learning and taking good care of myself daily. Mindfulness meditation is really helping and I wish to keep up a routine of at least 12 minutes meditation each day until I can get to an hour a day.. Another challenge, excellent.
I also pray that I will look after my own needs on my own for the next two years and not fall into a relationship because I am lonely or longing for something which will only hinder my growth, please help me lord to stay single for 2 years and get myself well so that I can find someone who is my mr right when I am mature enough to cope with it. God bless.
